Photo by Jordan Donaldson | @jordi.d on Unsplash
I typically write about self-confidence – what it means and how we can build more of it.
But this week during a Google search I came across the word ‘self-esteem’. Of course I’ve heard the term a thousand times, but I always assumed that self-esteem and self-confidence were the same thing. So I got curious and started digging.
Turns out they’re not.
- Self-confidence = trusting in one’s skills or abilities.
- Self-esteem = a sense of one’s own worthiness as a person.
Seems simple enough? But I felt like there was something in between that was missing. So I decided to pursue it further (yes, because I’m that kind of nerd).
Let me give you a recent example from my own life.
I started drumming in my 40’s. I’m self-taught and obviously don’t have the skills (yet) of someone who has been playing their whole lives. But I have confidence in my skills because I can already play at a certain level, which gives me a personal “proof of concept”.
And, even though I trust my skill level, performing in front of people still requires self–esteem to believe I’m good enough, or worthy enough, to occupy a space on stage with other musicians.
Here’s where I encountered the gap between the two:
Last weekend I had the opportunity to hang out downtown with my friend Michael, who I rarely get to see. He had been invited to a “front porch jam”, and thought I might be interested.
In case you’re not familiar: a front porch jam is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of guys (mostly guys) set up various instruments on someone’s front porch, and play music together. This particular house stood about one story above the sidewalk at the entrance of a cul-de-sac. By mid-afternoon, there were more than 100 people on the street and sidewalks watching the musicians play. Lawn chairs, coolers, and adult beverages were in full force.
At this jam, the hosting band played some of their songs first. After they finished, they invited other musicians to come up and play.
I hesitated for just a second, then my friend nudged me, so I raised my hand. The band leader waived me up.
I climbed up the stairs and sat down at the kit.
Every drummer has their own kit that they’re used to, so this one was foreign to me. One of the cymbals was set up so high I had to extend my arm up almost fully to reach it (I’m 4 ’11, so basically child-sized).
Jams are spontaneous, so we didn’t talk about what we were going to play. Normally, the guitar or bass player plays some notes, or a ‘riff’, and everyone else follows. I listen for a rhythm and do my best to fill in the drums. I also try to pay attention to the bass player because we need to be in step as the rhythm section.
I had no idea if I could play with these guys that I’d never met before, I just knew I couldn’t overthink it because my nerves would take over and my playing might fall apart.
So I took a breath and just told myself that, no matter what, I would figure it out.
And I did.
I held the beat, added a few drum fills when it sounded right, and mostly just stayed on lock with the rest of the band. The guitar players took turns playing their solos (if you know, you know), and I hung in there with the drums.
Once I felt like I knew what I was doing I looked down at the crowd and noticed several people smiling, nodding along, and taking videos of us on their phones. I knew we sounded good.
It was the only song I got to play – the original drummer was anxious to reclaim his throne – but as I started walking downstairs, each of the guys in the band smiled and shook my hand. The lead singer introduced himself, asked my name, and said he hoped I’d be back (like I’d be able to stay away after that!).
As I walked back down to Michael, I felt amazing. Like I had crossed an invisible line I hadn’t known I was there.
Later that night I was thinking about what that moment came down to. Was it confidence? Was it self-esteem?
I was confident enough to believe I could hold my own with the other musicians. But I wasn’t thinking about being “good enough” to be on stage with strangers. The thought that pushed me forward was: “Whatever happens I know I’ll figure it out”.
It didn’t feel like pure confidence, but it didn’t feel like self-esteem either.
It felt like something in between – an inner authority.
Like a grounded, internal permission to trust who I am and that, no matter what, I’ll land on my feet. I can adapt and move forward, whatever the situation.
I’m a firm believer that our feelings, actions, and results, are all determined by one thing – our thoughts. We have a thought, which causes a feeling that drives our actions. And it’s our actions that create our ultimate result(s). In everything.
So whether it’s confidence, self-esteem, inner authority — they all begin with a thought.
- “I believe in my skills.”
- “I believe I’m worthy.”
- “I’ll figure it out.”
It’s our thoughts that carry us forward to our results.
And the good news is, thoughts aren’t written in stone. They can be changed. And we can choose our new thoughts with intention.
Because in the end, the way we think about ourselves is what lifts us up — or holds us back. And that’s not something we should leave to chance.
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P.S.: If you’re ready to build real self-confidence, deepen your self-worth, and trust yourself in the moments that matter — let’s talk. This is the work I do with clients every day, and I’d love to help you find your own inner authority.