The Day I Walked Away at the DMV — and What It Taught Me About My Fear of Confrontation in Midlife

by Vicki Pike

After dragging my feet for weeks, I finally went into the DMV to transfer the title on my car.

My paperwork had already been submitted and approved online, and the instructions said I could either mail them in (mail an original pink-slip? I don’t think so), or bring them in to an office.

I chose the latter.

When I arrived at the DMV that afternoon I was in luck, there were maybe 3 people in the waiting room, and no one in line.

I was called up to the window and handed my paperwork to the DMV representative, letting them know what I needed. They took it without looking up from their computer.

My expectation was they would confirm the originals, enter everything into the system, and I would walk away feeling accomplished. In my mind it was already done.

But I could tell right away that wasn’t going to be the case. My confidence took an immediate dive.

After flipping through a few of the pages the rep asked “Didn’t they say to mail the originals?”

I said “Yes, that was one of the options. The other was to submit them in person”.

They rep didn’t respond, and instead continued to flip through the paperwork. Still not looking at me.

I sensed they were less than thrilled.

After a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, I heard myself say “So, would it just be better to go home and mail in the originals?”.

“Yes, that would be better” they said, eagerly handing back all of my paperwork and returning to their computer screen. I could practically feel their relief.

I actually THANKED THEM, then turned around and went home. Paperwork still in hand. Mission still not accomplished. Self-confidence tanked.

On my way home I told myself that it was easier to just leave…that I was “keeping the peace”, and avoiding the hassle of standing around and waiting for them to file the paperwork.

But those were lies.

In truth, I left to avoid confrontation.

It felt ‘safer’ to shut down and walk away, than to risk the potential reaction of speaking up for myself.

After all, what if I was wrong? What if they got upset with me?

What if they didn’t like me?

It was fear, and the uncertainty of another person’s reaction, that made me abandon my purpose.

And it wasn’t the first time.

THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOOK

From a young age I’ve believed that confrontation was scary and unpredictable. I never knew when one innocent sentence or action from me could provoke someone else to anger, or worse.

Not always, but often enough.

As a result I became an expert at people-pleasing and reading the room, I knew when to back down and stay quiet.

I also learned that I could sometimes influence another person’s reactions by my words and demeanor. The less confrontational I was, the better the chance I had of avoiding fear, or pain (and maybe even the risk of rejection?).

But I’m in my fifties now.

And after many years (and thousands of dollars) of coaching and self-help discovery, I’ve come to understand myself much better – what drives my actions and causes my results – and I’ve gained a confidence in myself that I’ve never had before.

But this.

My fear of confrontation still lurks beneath the surface.

It’s why I put off going to the DMV for weeks in the first place.

It’s why I put off responding to my apartment manager after they over-charged me hundreds of dollars in “repairs” that were not my responsibility.

It’s why I stay in relationships long after it’s time to leave.

It may feel safer to stay small, and quiet, and not speak up for myself in the simplest of ways, but it doesn’t serve me in the long run.

It keeps me stuck, and unproductive.

And I’ve come too far in my life to feel like that anymore.

What I want to feel is confident and empowered. I want to be respectful to others, but also respectful to myself, and speak up for what I want.

CHANGING THE NARRATIVE

The truth is, I don’t know what the DMV rep was thinking. I don’t know their reason for not wanting to process my paperwork…maybe they were already late for their lunch break? Maybe they were short-handed and no one else knew how to enter everything into the system?

Maybe, it had nothing to do with me.

The bottom line is: how someone else acts isn’t within my control.

How I react, is.

Normally, when I sense a possible confrontation, my nervous systems prickles up. …I become flushed and anxious, triggered into an instant fight or flight response.

But it’s just a conversation. Just words.

Nothing has gone wrong, and I know I’m capable of reasonable thought.

Instead of giving into fight or flight, what I might have done instead was stay present, take a deep breath, have patience, and trust myself.

I could have suggested taking a number and waiting in the lobby until someone else could help me. Or politely point out the case number on the paperwork to let them know that everything was already approved and just had to submit the originals under that case number.

I could have put more effort into standing up for myself, instead of walking away to “keep the peace”, while secretly feeling like I had been rejected.

The truth is I rejected myself first by not even trying.

But that doesn’t have to be the case anymore. I’m aware now of why I feel what I feel. And the next time I feel my fight or flight response starts to prickle up, I can recognize it, take a breath, and change my reaction.

In doing so, I change my own narrative.

And so can you.

We deserve to stand up for ourselves, and have our own back.

And when we start taking ourselves seriously, others will do the same.

Discover What’s Possible

Confidence, Self-Esteem, and the Missing Piece: Inner Authority

Photo by Jordan Donaldson | @jordi.d on Unsplash

I typically write about self-confidence – what it means and how we can build more of it.

But this week during a Google search I came across the word ‘self-esteem’. Of course I’ve heard the term a thousand times, but I always assumed that self-esteem and self-confidence were the same thing. So I got curious and started digging.

Turns out they’re not.

Self-confidence = trusting in one’s skills or abilities.

Self-esteem = a sense of one’s own worthiness as a person.

Seems simple enough? But I felt like there was something in between that was missing. So I decided to pursue it further (yes, because I’m that kind of nerd).

Let me give you a recent example from my own life.

I started drumming in my 40’s. I’m self-taught and obviously don’t have the skills (yet) of someone who has been playing their whole lives. But I have confidence in my skills because I can already play at a certain level, which gives me a personal “proof of concept”.

And, even though I trust my skill level, performing in front of people still requires self–esteem to believe I’m good enough, or worthy enough, to occupy a space on stage with other musicians.

Here’s where I encountered the gap between the two:

Last weekend I had the opportunity to hang out downtown with my friend Michael, who I rarely get to see. He had been invited to a “front porch jam”, and thought I might be interested.

In case you’re not familiar: a front porch jam is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of guys (mostly guys) set up various instruments on someone’s front porch, and play music together. This particular house stood about one story above the sidewalk at the entrance of a cul-de-sac. By mid-afternoon, there were more than 100 people on the street and sidewalks watching the musicians play. Lawn chairs, coolers, and adult beverages were in full force.

At this jam, the hosting band played some of their songs first. After they finished, they invited other musicians to come up and play.

I hesitated for just a second, then my friend nudged me, so I raised my hand. The band leader waived me up.

I climbed up the stairs and sat down at the kit.

Every drummer has their own kit that they’re used to, so this one was foreign to me. One of the cymbals was set up so high I had to extend my arm up almost fully to reach it (I’m 4 ’11, so basically child-sized).

Jams are spontaneous, so we didn’t talk about what we were going to play. Normally, the guitar or bass player plays some notes, or a ‘riff’, and everyone else follows. I listen for a rhythm and do my best to fill in the drums. I also try to pay attention to the bass player because we need to be in step as the rhythm section.

I had no idea if I could play with these guys that I’d never met before, I just knew I couldn’t overthink it because my nerves would take over and my playing might fall apart.

So I took a breath and just told myself that, no matter what, I would figure it out.

And I did.

I held the beat, added a few drum fills when it sounded right, and mostly just stayed on lock with the rest of the band. The guitar players took turns playing their solos (if you know, you know), and I hung in there with the drums.

Once I felt like I knew what I was doing I looked down at the crowd and noticed several people smiling, nodding along, and taking videos of us on their phones. I knew we sounded good.

It was the only song I got to play – the original drummer was anxious to reclaim his throne – but as I started walking downstairs, each of the guys in the band smiled and shook my hand. The lead singer introduced himself, asked my name, and said he hoped I’d be back (like I’d be able to stay away after that!).

As I walked back down to Michael, I felt amazing. Like I had crossed an invisible line I hadn’t known I was there.

Later that night I was thinking about what that moment came down to. Was it confidence? Was it self-esteem?

I was confident enough to believe I could hold my own with the other musicians. But I wasn’t thinking about being “good enough” to be on stage with strangers. The thought that pushed me forward was: “Whatever happens I know I’ll figure it out”.

It didn’t feel like pure confidence, but it didn’t feel like self-esteem either.

It felt like something in between – an inner authority.

Like a grounded, internal permission to trust who I am and that, no matter what, I’ll land on my feet. I can adapt and move forward, whatever the situation.

I’m a firm believer that our feelings, actions, and results, are all determined by one thing – our thoughts. We have a thought, which causes a feeling that drives our actions. And it’s our actions that create our ultimate result(s). In everything.

So whether it’s confidence, self-esteem, inner authority — they all begin with a thought.

“I believe in my skills.”
“I believe I’m worthy.”
“I’ll figure it out.”

It’s our thoughts that carry us forward to our results.

And the good news is, thoughts aren’t written in stone. They can be changed. And we can choose our new thoughts with intention.

Because in the end, the way we think about ourselves is what lifts us up — or holds us back. And that’s not something we should leave to chance.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S.: If you’re ready to build real self-confidence, deepen your self-worth, and trust yourself in the moments that matter — let’s talk. This is the work I do with clients every day, and I’d love to help you find your own inner authority.

The Power of Choice: Deciding Our Emotions Ahead of Time

Photo by Wei Wang on Unsplash

I grew up hating parties.

My experience with them has always entailed the following:

Small talk
Avoiding small talk
Avoiding eye contact
Seeing how long I can go without putting my foot in my mouth or tripping over my words
Finding the nearest family pet to distract myself while still making it seem like I’m participating in a group activity

If I did talk myself into attending a party — out of guilt, obligation, or a genuine desire that, ‘this time’, I would show up and wow people with my conversational prowess — it would always end with me regretting my decision.

I felt like people were judging me for being awkward. I felt unlikable because no one talked to me or included me in their conversations, I could leave the room and no one would even notice.

But I understand a lot more now than I did back then.

Back then I didn’t realize that I was creating my own result.

Before going into any party I already held the belief that I wasn’t as good as everyone else and that I didn’t belong.

That belief made me extremely self-conscious.

Feeling self-conscious caused me to hide from attention, avoid eye contact, and rethink every word coming out of my mouth.

Those actions created the result that I didn’t belong.

(Can you say ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’?).

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

What I finally know now, is that I can decide ahead of time how I want to feel at that party.

Instead of going into it looking to get validation that I’m liked or accepted, I can focus my attention on giving connection. Being truly curious about other humans, getting to know their life stories, and their personalities, and not making it about me.

When I decide ahead of time that my purpose for showing up is connection and keeping an open mind to see what the event brings, those thoughts allow me to feel more relaxed

When I’m relaxed, I act more like myself.

And when I’m acting more like myself, I create the result of belonging.

Instead of basing your self-worth on the reaction of other people (which you have no control over), you can take control by deciding ahead of time how you want to feel. Choose the thoughts that will cause you to take better actions, show up with intention, and create a better result.

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How To Feel Like You Belong – Finding Confidence in Any Situation

Picture by author

It was my first time playing drums in front of other people, and I was terrified.

I was 46 years old and had been playing for just a few years. Up until then, I had only played alone in my garage. Then one day my brother-in-law challenged me to join a program put on by a local music store. Anyone could sign up for the program, no matter their skill level, and at the end of the program, we would all get to play 5 songs on stage at a local venue.

I know I wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been presented as a direct challenge.

When the day came for tryouts I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I forced myself to walk into the building from the parking lot, the whole time wishing I could turn around and run back home. I mean, no one would notice if I left? No harm, no foul. But I’d have to admit to my brother-in-law that I chickened out, and that was enough to keep me moving forward.

There were roughly 50 musicians crammed into two rooms…guitarists, bass players, drummers, and singers, all milling about. Most of them were around my age.

I walked in not knowing anyone and having no idea what to expect.

I expected everyone to stare at me – a 4’11” female, almost 50 years old, carrying a pair of drumsticks in my purse. In my head they were thinking “Who does she think she is?”. “Oh look, she thinks she’s cool, carrying drumsticks in her purse”. “She probably can’t even play”.

Of course, I only thought they were thinking that because that’s what I was saying to myself.

When I walked up to the front desk to sign my name on the list my hand shook so badly I couldn’t even read my own signature.

I looked for somewhere to stand while I waited. I found a spot up against the wall, half hidden behind the door frame. I stood there and quietly surveyed the rest of the room.

At first, I was convinced everyone would stare at me because it was clear to them (and myself) that I did not belong in that room.

But that wasn’t the case.

No one noticed me at all. I was invisible.

I didn’t know if that was better than feeling judged by everyone, or worse?

I stayed in my hiding place while group after group of musicians went up and played their songs.

And I listened. I listened to the drummers who played before me, silently judging their skills against mine.

I noticed there was a repeating pattern…a lot of the bands played the same song, and there happened to be an odd–timing in the chorus that (I felt) the other drummers were missing.

Finally, it was my turn. When I sat down at the drum kit my mouth was as dry as my mom’s pork chops. Of course, the kit was too tall for me because it was meant for an adult-sized person, I practically held my arms over my head to reach the top cymbals, and the snare and toms were set way too high, but I was determined to make it work.

When we started the song my body took over. When I’m playing my mantra is “Don’t think, just play”, so I listened closely to the music and let my body react. The part in the chorus that every other drummer missed came up, so I relaxed into it and played the song like I heard it in my head, the way I thought it should be played.

The whole thing was over in an instant, and I was ecstatic.

I JUST PLAYED THE DRUMS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND I DIDN’T DIE.

When I walked away from the stage my hands were shaking for a totally different reason.

I fucking did it.

I even heard a guitar player walking in front of me say to his friend “She’s the only one who played it right.”

I was on cloud – not even 9 – more like 150.

I remember getting a couple of fist-bumps on my way out, but I don’t remember speaking to anyone.

After tryouts, we were all placed into different bands, and we only had 4 practices before going on stage in a local venue for a concert.

On the day of our concert, the room was filled with mostly friends and family, but well over 100 people in attendance.

When it was time for my band to get up on that stage, there was no taking away my joy. I wasn’t scared at all, I was so excited, I just wanted to GO!

My playing wasn’t perfect, I made a few mistakes during our songs on stage (we all did at some point), but I knew without a doubt that I belonged up there. I enjoyed every second and couldn’t wait to do it again!

When we finished our set I practically floated off stage. People were whooping and clapping, it was the happiest I’d ever been. I hadn’t even made it back to the green room before 3 guys walked up to me and asked if I would be the drummer for their band.

That was more than 10 years ago I’ve never looked back. Now I’m playing in two local cover bands, one classic rock and one 90’s, grunge rock (my dream!).

I can’t imagine how different my life would be now if I had listened to my fear and never taken that chance.

Our Feelings Don’t Come From Our Circumstances

A woman recently told me “…I get to an event and feel completely out of place or get ignored.”

In my case, I sought out being ignored. I was so uncomfortable being in an unfamiliar situation I literally tried making myself invisible.

The reality is that it isn’t the circumstance that makes us feel awkward, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance that cause our feeling of awkwardness.

I walked into that room afraid everyone would think I didn’t belong because I already believed I didn’t belong, and my brain was looking for evidence that I was right.

When we believe we don’t belong we act self-conscious and nervous. Then, we avoid eye contact and (in my case) try to blend into the wallpaper.

And when someone does talk to us we’re so self-conscious that we bungle our words (my social life in a nutshell).

The result we create is WE ARE AWKWARD. We create that reality by believing it first, and then acting accordingly, so our brain can prove that we’re right.

It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way

What if you could decide ahead of time how you want to feel at the event?

Decide you’re going to enjoy yourself because you like the people, or were interested in the event itself.

Decide to keep your eyes up, say Hi to people, or find something interesting to look at or experience. You could make it your mission to find someone else who looked lonely or awkward and strike up a casual conversation. Or start by complimenting their outfit, or picking out something you both have in common.

And yes, you might bumble the conversation (at first), but everyone has at some point. Just laugh it off but keep going.

Most importantly, don’t make it about YOU. Focus on other people, be curious about what they like, how they think, and who they are. Not everyone has to become your best friend, or you theirs, but everyone has a story and you might meet some really interesting people!

There are no rules, and we don’t have to force ourselves to go out and do all the things. We can enjoy staying home just as much as going out.

Either option is fine, just make sure it’s intentional.

Discover What’s Possible

You Can’t Get a Positive Result From a Negative Emotion

Stop trying to shame yourself into success

Photo by Man Chung on Unsplash

When was the last time you celebrated yourself after a failure?

Or gave yourself a pat on the back when you didn’t achieve your goal?

I know it sounds counterintuitive…doesn’t rewarding failure only encourage more failure?

Maybe you’ve set a goal to go to the gym 3 days a week, but only made it once.

Or you promised yourself you wouldn’t eat that cupcake during the office party, only to find yourself holding the empty wrapper without remembering having picked it up in the first place.

Once we’ve determined we “failed” everything else is downhill…we mentally beat ourselves up with our familiar, negative thought loops:

“I knew this wouldn’t work”

“I’ll never lose the weight”

“I can’t do this”

“Why do I even try”

“I’ll never be good enough”

Those thoughts leave us feeling dejected.

When we feel dejected we start to avoid and procrastinate. We double up on overconsumption because, why not? We’ve already screwed up, we might as well go all in.

The result is our efforts DO fail, just like we knew they would, and we end up building more evidence for all of the negative thoughts we were thinking in the first place.

We will never get a positive result from a negative thought.

Some of us might be able to shame ourselves into a few small successes, but I can promise you the journey won’t be enjoyable, which means it won’t be sustainable.

Mentally beating ourselves up keeps us stuck in the same negative thought loop–behavior that got us to where we are right now, with the unwanted results of overeating, over-drinking, or overconsuming.

We cannot shame ourselves into success.

In order to achieve the results we want, we need to become the person who can achieve those results.

In order to become that person who achieves those results we need to change our current (negative) thought patterns. We have to manage our minds to become the person who achieves those results.

–No more beating yourself up.

–No more focusing on past failures to determine your future result.

Who you were in the past does not dictate who you are capable of becoming.

Is your goal to lose weight? Eat better? Get healthy? Then figure out what steps a successful person would do to reach that goal, and do them.

Make sure to include a plan for what will happen on the days you ‘fail’ to execute those steps.

If getting up at 5 am every day to go to the gym isn’t realistic, then try 3 days at 6 am. Or set a goal to start walking every Saturday morning. Be creative, what would be a winning formula to help you get closer to your goal? Figure out those steps then plug them into that formula.

Think of it as math, not drama.

Then, celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Give yourself love and grace on the days you fall short because at least you’re trying. Then get up and get after it again the next day, because that’s what a successful person would do.

Think of the steps in your formula as non-negotiable. You need to commit to showing up, not just for your current self, but your future self. The future you who has already achieved that goal already exists, and she is waiting for you at the finish line.

The only true failure is quitting. Everything else is just a learning curve.

Celebrate yourself for trying, for committing to your future self, and know that you’re one step closer to becoming the future you that achieves your goal.

Manage your mind, to manage your results.

Discover What’s Possible

It’s Like Spring Cleaning, But For Your Brain

Photo by Leohoho on Unsplash

It’s Like Spring Cleaning – But For Your Brain

Here in California, we’re beginning to have faith that spring is on the way…the temps are beginning to inch upwards and we’re seeing fewer and fewer rainy days (contrary to popular belief it does rain in California).

It’s the one time of year I actually feel inspired to clean my apartment.

I get to open windows, let fresh air in, clean out cobwebs, put away heavy things, and shine light into dark corners.

So that got me thinking – spring cleaning our homes is “normal”, like a tradition.

But what if we applied that same tradition to our brains?

Might sound weird I know, but stay with me.

Throughout the Fall and Winter, we’ve endured cold, rain, sometimes snow, and fewer hours of sunlight. We’ve closed our homes and covered ourselves in layers of blankets and warm clothing.

We’re mammals so hibernating is in our DNA, we’re conserving energy. But it can also cause things like seasonal depression and eating habits that result in extra weight. Just like our homes need an airing–out and a refresh to wake everything up, so do our brains.

So what might that look like?

For myself, it looks like getting the sun on my face as soon, and as often, as possible. Going outside for a walk, journaling with the windows and doors open.

It looks like shining a light on the negative thoughts that tend to harbor in the corners of my mind, the ones that have built up during the colder, darker days.

In order to shine a light on those negative thoughts, we first need to find and acknowledge them.

For me, that’s journaling.

I don’t do anything fancy. There’s no expensive, color-coded, store–bought journal. I just grab a plain notebook and a pen, and get all my thoughts out of my brain and onto paper.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I write it all down, with NO judgment. We’re all human, we all have ugly thoughts. But thoughts are optional, just because we have one doesn’t mean we need to agree with it, and we definitely don’t need to keep it. We can just write it down, and let it go.

Many of us have negative thought loops that play on automatic repeat in our heads unchecked:

I’m not as smart as other people
I’m too much
I’m not enough
I’m too different

We’re been thinking these thoughts for so long we’ve accepted them as facts.

But that’s a lie.

They’re just thoughts. And thoughts are optional.

We can change them, we just have to decide to put in the work.

By work, I mean take a few minutes to LOOK at those thoughts and figure out which ones are hurting you. Write them down, and bring them into the light of day so they can no longer hide in your subconscious.

Note that they are just thoughts, and then choose whether or not you want to keep them.

But that doesn’t mean we can just change a negative thought to another, completely opposite thought. We can’t go from “I’m not enough” to “I’m amazing” because of a little thing called cognitive dissonance. Our brains won’t believe it so it will never stick.

Pick a thought that’s just slightly better than the previous thought.

“I’m not enough” could be “I am capable at some things” (then list at least five)

“I’m too fat” could be “My hair looks good today”, “I like my eyes”, or “I have a strong, capable body”.

Then practice that new, intentional thought. Write it down every day to remind yourself that this is the thought you’re deciding to think from now on. Give it just as much air time as you were giving your previous, unwanted thought.

Let go of the negative thoughts that have been hidden under layers of heaviness. Clean out your mental cobwebs, put away heavy things, shine light into the dark corners, and let the fresh thoughts in.

This spring, while you’re opening up and refreshing your space, remember to let some light and air into your brain as well.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S. Speaking of spring, I’m opening up my coaching to new clients starting in April of 2024. If it’s something you’re interested in or want to know more about, just email me or reach out to me on all the Socials, I’d be happy to chat with you!

Are You Still Choosing To Believe The Worst About Yourself?

(You can stop that now)

Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

When I was around 14 years old I shared a room with my sister. It wasn’t a big room but I enjoyed moving my bed and dresser around just to change things up whenever I got bored with the layout. The bed was heavy so it took a lot of shoving, pushing, and pulling to get it where I wanted, but it was always worth the effort.

One time I had spent most of the day rearranging my bed at the far end of the room, closer to the window, which gave me more space in the middle of the room. It was cozier, and I was happy with it.

When I was done I opened the bedroom door to proudly show my parents what I had accomplished.

My mom nodded and said it looked okay. My dad pointed out that I was blocking the heat from the baseboards because my bed was too close to it. I hadn’t noticed that but I said I was okay with it. We argued back and forth for a minute, and I don’t remember what else was said exactly, but our conversation ended with my dad yelling “Dummy!” at me before storming back down the hallway.

At the time I had a chip on my shoulder so I didn’t think anything my dad could say would bother me.

But my dad telling me I was dumb did bother me. It bothered me so much that I spent the next 40 years trying to prove him wrong, even though I secretly believed he was right.

I think I doubted my intelligence long before that moment, and my dad’s words just confirmed the thoughts I already had.

My brain was very good at providing evidence to back up my belief. I consistently got A’s in advanced English, and A’s and B’s in advanced biology, but those were easy to dismiss.

It’s the D’s and F’s I received in math class – everything from basic algebra to geometry – that my brain focused on. I would see “everyone else” around me (and by everyone I mean the 2 or 3 people who were good at math) answering questions like it all made perfect sense to them. Meanwhile, I stared at the jumble of numbers and symbols on my paper, holding back tears, because none of it made any sense to me and I was too embarrassed to ask for help.

I chose the smallest sample of what my brain had to offer and used it as evidence to prove my thought, and my dad’s words, that I was, indeed, dumb.

But why? Why do so many of us choose to believe the worst about ourselves?

Thinking back now it might have been that I was afraid of being smart. According to my primal brain smart people stood out. Parents and teachers expected things from them. If I wasn’t smart I didn’t have that kind of responsibility, no one would expect anything from me, and I could blend in and not get noticed.

Whatever the reason, I spent the majority of my life hiding, playing small, and not believing in myself. I never took the time to learn who I was and what I was capable of, so I was left with believing another person’s opinion of me.

Here’s the reality – negative words are just words, they only hurt when part of us believes them to be true.

Are you also believing – and finding validation for – something negative about yourself, and using select, outside opinions to confirm your internal bias? Have you been hiding and playing small, for whatever reason?

If you are, I can promise it isn’t serving you. And it isn’t serving the people around you who love you.

No one else is like you…no one before you was, and no one after you will be. You are, and will always be the only amazing, beautiful, unique, you. You deserve to know yourself and to share your true self with your loved ones around you.

You deserve to discover how capable you truly are, decide what you want and who you want to be, and then go out and create it.

Artist, writer, dancer, architect, investor, lawyer, teacher, it’s all open to you.

Discover What’s Possible.

P.S. If any of this resonates with you – I can help! Let’s connect and let me show you how to discover who you are and how to create your full, intentional life.

You’re Born An Individual, And You Die An Individual. You Deserve to Know Yourself During the In–Between

Caution: Tough love ahead

Photo by Hiroshi Kimura on Unsplash

If you’re in your middle age of life you may have been raised believing (consciously or unconsciously) that your value was determined by the opinions of the people around you. Pre-internet that meant your dad, your mom, siblings, friends, teachers, and co-workers.

If they liked you, you were winning. If you served everyone around you well and did all the right things, you could feel like a good person. You could feel loved, appreciated, or valued.

But, what happened when your efforts backfired? When your friends or family didn’t appreciate your help, got upset because you did it wrong, yelled at you, or – worse?

How did that make you feel then?

Looking back over your life, how many years would you say you’ve spent turning yourself inside out to appease others, to “make them happy”, so you could feel valued and loved in return?

If you’re like me, the answer would be: “All of them”.

Changing yourself to make other people happy sounds like a noble pursuit, some of us even became experts. It seemed harmless – why wouldn’t we want to try and make others happy?

I’ll give you 3 reasons why:

It’s a moving target. People are human beings, so what worked yesterday might not work today. And when you don’t get the desired result on your first try, you have to scramble to become someone, or something, else. You have to keep trying different ways to fit yourself into their puzzle.
Technically, it’s mental and emotional manipulation. We try to say the right thing at the right time to the right person, so they’ll feel good and react in a way that makes us feel good in return. Even if we’re doing it with the best intentions, it’s not only inauthentic, it’s exhausting.
And the most important reason: By fitting yourself into everyone else’s puzzle, and becoming who (you think) they need you to be (yes, even to your kids), you will never get to know who you are. And, sadly, neither will they.

So, big deal, right? What does that even mean?

I believe we are put on this earth to help others, to love and support the people we come in contact with every day. But I also believe we are meant to discover what each of us is capable of, individually.

I believe every one of us has been gifted with different abilities and talents. Wouldn’t it be a tragedy if we lived our whole lives never finding out what we were capable of? Of finding out what our gifts and talents were that might allow us to help so many MORE people than we could even imagine?

You don’t have to stop loving and serving the people around you. But I would like to offer that you could be so much more to them by being more to yourself.

Start by getting to know yourself like you would a new best friend…what do you like? What do you not like? If you were suddenly on an island with no one else around would you know how to act? Or who to be? Would you feel freedom, or terror?

I’m not saying you have to quit your current life and become someone different (you were already doing that, remember? 🙂). And you don’t have to come up with some grand plan or make drastic changes to your current lifestyle.

I think a lot of us are afraid of finding out who we are, or who we could be. We mistakenly believe it’s better to let everyone else around us steer our ship for fear that we might make a mistake.

But the real mistake is never giving our true selves a chance.

Get to know yourself.
Then become accepting of yourself.
Then become loving to yourself.
Then become true to yourself.

Once you do that, you can be accepting, loving, and true to everyone else around you.

Be the example of what it means to be your own person, to live your life on your own terms.

Discover What’s Possible.

Stop ‘Othering’ Yourself

How to Stop the Cycle of Compare and Dispair and Move on With An Intentional Life

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

“Othering yourself” was a term I heard the other day during a coaching call with the amazing Stacy Boehman.

It’s a habit I’ve been doing unconsciously my entire life, but that was the first time I’d heard someone assign it a term to it, and it really hit home with me.

Here’s an example of what ‘othering’ looks like in my life:

Two weeks ago I decided to walk to a local coffee shop during my work break.

I was wearing my usual leggings, sweatshirt, and Converse tennis shoes, with my hair in a bun. (I live alone and work from home, let’s just say the dress code around here has gotten extremely lax).

I know I didn’t look my best, but I felt comfortable and wasn’t looking to impress anyone, so I decided to go as is.

While waiting for my coffee a woman walked up to the counter to pick up her order. Her back was turned to me but I noticed her grey, ankle-length jacket, tan pants, leather boots, and coordinating purse.

The very first thought that entered my brain was “I’ll never look that put together.”

I suddenly felt dumpy, unattractive, and, less than. And just like that, my happy trip to the coffee shop quickly turned into one of self-judgment and disappointment.

Maybe a similar situation has happened to you?

You see someone running a half marathon, getting a promotion, or taking a sunny vacation,- basically every other post on social media – and you think “That will never be me”, “I’ll never be that good/pretty/successful/lucky”, fill in the blank.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten to know my brain better recently, so it wasn’t surprising that my first thought was to ‘other myself’. It was a familiar pattern that I’ve cultivated over the last 54 years.

But just because it was my first thought, doesn’t mean it had to be my final thought.

In this particular instance at the coffee shop, I was able to recognize the familiar thought spiral I was about to walk into, and I knew I didn’t want to go there. I understood it would result in me feeling sad or sorry for myself and I would carry that feeling into the rest of my day.

So instead of letting my brain run with the first, unintentional thought, I decided to take a step back and just get curious about it.

First, I knew it was just a thought, and our thoughts are optional.

Second, I remembered that I had consciously decided ahead of time not to change my clothes or upgrade my look just to go pick up coffee, and that decision had been fine with me.

Third, I reminded myself that, how another person chooses to show up for themselves at any given moment, HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with me.

But that’s automatically where our brains go, right? We see someone else’s life or appearance and we turn that around to somehow mean something about us.

Kind of silly, isn’t it?

Especially since we probably know nothing about that person or their life. We still judge ourselves for somehow falling short compared to them or their circumstance.

But the truth is we get to decide which thoughts we want to keep. And we don’t have to choose our first thought.

On my way home from the coffee shop that day I wondered what other thoughts I could think about this lovely woman’s outfit that wouldn’t put me into a negative thought/action pattern. It couldn’t be some rainbows-and-daisies meme regurgitated off an Instagram Reel, it had to be something from my own brain that I could believe. A thought that felt true in my body.

The new thought I chose was: I can look put together whenever I feel like it.

And then, to give my brain the evidence it needed (our brains are always looking for evidence, good or bad), I thought back to the times I’ve looked and felt good…like going out for sushi a few weeks ago, going to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving in a super cute outfit, and almost every day of my 33 years working in an office.

This new, intentional thought immediately made me feel better. I could literally feel the relief in my body.

But, more importantly, I got to retain authority over how I felt about myself, instead of giving that power over to someone else.

Our self-worth doesn’t come from how someone else looks or acts. It comes from our own thoughts about ourselves. And we can choose those thoughts just like we can choose an outfit.

It’s not always easy to recognize an unintentional thought and consciously change it to an intentional one. It takes practice, but it’s possible.

And, like anything else, the more you practice the easier it becomes.

The alternative is to continue allowing negative thoughts to run unchecked in the background of our brains (they’re sneaky that way), and continue to be at the effect of the compare-and-dispair cycle.

What are some intentional thoughts you want to think about yourself?

Write them down and keep them in your back pocket so you can take them out when you need to.

Consider choosing an intentional thought, so you can move forward with an intentional life.

Discover What’s Possible.

3 Steps You Can Take (Today!) to Beat Overwhelm as an Escrow or Title Professional

Few people outside the title/escrow business understand the hustle it takes to run a successful desk.

Maybe this sounds familiar to you:

You walk into your office Monday morning, Starbucks in hand, optimism in full effect, ready to conquer your workday.

Then you start scrolling (and scrolling) through emails.

And notice the red light blinking on your phone.

And the stack of files on the corner of your desk from Friday.

Overwhelm starts to set in, your shoulders start inching up around your ears, and your chest begins to tighten. It’s enough to make even the most dedicated of us want to run for our TikTok fyp.

You’re not alone!

When we spin out in overwhelm it’s because of our thoughts, and the feelings that those thoughts generate. Our brain is telling us that the tasks ahead are too much:

We’ll never get them all done (failure).
We don’t have an answer for that lender or agent (inadequacy).
We have to admit a mistake – even if we’re not the one that made it (vulnerability).

These unproductive thoughts lead to unproductive actions, which leads to more overwhelm.

But you can break that cycle.

Here are 3 steps you can take to start conquering overwhelm today.

Step 1: Get a Plain Journal or Notebook

Go into your closet and grab one of the seven journals that you started but never finished (or is that just me?).

Give yourself an hour for this exercise, and do it the same day/time each week. I find that Sunday mornings, coffee in hand, dogs next to me on the couch, is the best time for me. I’m in a relaxed state and thinking with the logical part of my brain (prefrontal cortex). You definitely don’t want to do this when you’re under pressure or already stressed.

Now write down all of the to-do items that wake you up at 3 o’clock every morning…the question you’ve been meaning to ask underwriting, the 1,000th email you need to send to the seller’s agent, your daughter’s soccer game that you volunteered to bring snacks for.

All of it.

You’ll want to start freaking out at the number of tasks on your list – but don’t! You don’t have to do any of it yet, or even at all if that’s what you decide. The point is to just get everything out of your brain and onto paper.

Step 2: STS (Schedule That Shit)

Go back into your closet, next to the stack of unused journals, and get out one of your unused monthly calendars.

It doesn’t need to be fancy or complicated, simple is actually best.

Open up your calendar for the upcoming week and schedule each task on your list.

Each task gets a time frame:

Email client – 7:30am – 7:45am

Walk at lunch – 12:30pm – 1:00pm

Stop after work to get soccer snacks 5:30pm – 6:00pm

Again, don’t panic! It’s your calendar, you’re in control. You get to decide what goes where, or even if it goes at all.

Schedule with kindness! Don’t sabotage yourself by planning an entire day, or days, of back-to-back tasks. You don’t need to be super-human to get it all done, just realistic.

For example, if you’re not a morning person, don’t schedule a gym session for 5 am. If you know your brain is typically dead by 6 pm schedule your high-functioning mental tasks before 3 pm, or, better yet, before work.

Pro tip: Schedule self-time FIRST. It can be as simple as taking yourself to lunch or dinner, even binge-watching Yellowstone (yes, you can still binge tv shows! Just schedule it). We know how quickly self-time goes by the wayside if we don’t make it intentional.

Also, think about delegating tasks when possible: order groceries online, use auto-pay for your bills, or even hire a house cleaner to come in once a month, if that’s feasible for your budget.

Step 3 – DO. THE. DAMN. THING.

Spoiler Alert: You will want to avoid this step.

Your brain will try to tell you it’s too hard or uncomfortable.

It will tell you to pick up your phone, head for the fridge, or go get more coffee.

Expect those thoughts. Be ready for them.

When they arrive just tell your brain to settle down, and then put on your big girl pants and get it done.

Five minutes of feeling uncomfortable beats two weeks of having that same task hanging over your head while you beat yourself up for not having done it.

Budget the time you think each item will take, then use ONLY that time, and move on. If you’ve underestimated how much time you needed then re-schedule another time to finish it.

Obviously, there will be circumstances outside of your control, but it’s your schedule, and you get to decide how to respond.

This isn’t about writing yet another to-do list, and it’s not about wearing our busyness as a badge of honor or feeling sorry for ourselves.

It’s about making decisions on purpose, then executing those decisions. We know what to do, we know how to do it, and we’re worth the effort.

Now, get to scheduling! I’d love it if you’d drop your comments below and let me know how this works for you, or if you have any questions!