mindset

Decision Debt

What it’s costing you, and how to get out of it

Last week I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months.

For weeks prior to that I hemed-and-hawed, obsessing over the details…is this what I want? Is now the right time? What should I say? How should I say it? How will he react?

When we spent time together I made things awkward by hiding my feelings and pretending everything was okay when I knew it wasn’t. When I was alone I replayed the same questions on an endless loop in my head.

I couldn’t sleep, I was too tired to go to the gym, and I was consoling myself with food.

I was exhausted.

I was thinking the thoughts in my head but avoiding making a decision, and being in that loop made an already uncomfortable situation even worse.

Decision Debt is the mental, physical, and emotional cost of avoiding a decision we know needs to be made. Whether it’s a relationship, work, or other life circumstance, our unmade-decisions keep us spinning, cost us energy, and – most importantly – produce no results.

Why We Leave Decisions Unmade

I let indecision sabotage my time and energy because making no decision felt safer than making the wrong decision, even though I was miserable in the meantime.

Inaction is based on scarcity and fear – scarcity that there is only ONE right decision, and fear that we might make the wrong one.

But that’s primal brain thinking.

Our primal brain has 3 objectives: avoid pain, seek pleasure, and use the least amount of energy. It convinces us that staying miserable in the cave is still safer than exploring outside of it.

From the view of my primal brain, my impending break up was a life-or-death decision that there was no coming back from. I didn’t trust that I knew what I wanted or that I knew how to make it happen.

Fortunately, we also have a a prefrontal cortex…the logical part of our brain that knows how to step back and consider information and data. It removes the layers of drama and is a much more solid place to make decisions from.

In my logical brain I knew I couldn’t continue with the current relationship because pretending I was happy left me feeling frustrated and resentful. I was afraid of hurting my boyfriend by speaking up, but staying quiet was hurting both of us, it was just a slower process.

How To Escape Decision Debt

Unmade decisions require energy and produce no results.

Making a decision moves you forward.

When you find yourself stuck in an indecision loop, try these 4 steps:

Instead of running a problem over and over in your head, write it down. Getting it out of your head and onto a page helps to engage the prefrontal cortex and makes the problem easier to see.
Ask yourself “If I know I’ll be happy either way, what would I choose?” In my case, if I knew I would be happy whether I was with my boyfriend, or without him, what would I choose? Don’t overthink it, go with the first answer that comes to you.
After you have your answer, write down your why’s. You have to like your reasons. Liking your reasons for your decision gives you confidence, which you’ll need for the next step. (Note: THERE ARE NO ‘SHOULD’S’ ALLOWED IN THE DECISION MAKING PROCESS. If I hear you using the word ‘should’ to make a decision I will come find you and shake you by the shoulder’s until you delete that word from your vocabulary)
Have your own back. You’ve decided what’s best for you (only YOU know what that is), and you like your reasons. If you have those two things, no one else can talk you down.

And here’s the best part – even if the decision you make doesn’t produce the results you wanted, or expected, at first – YOU’RE STILL MOVING FORWARD BY MAKING A DECISION.

Last week I did finally make the decision to tell my boyfriend I wasn’t happy and I wanted to break up.

We had a good, productive conversation, and he said some things that really made me think.

Plot twist, after a few more conversations I decided to give our relationship another try. (The reason for my change of heart isn’t important, let’s just say it has something to do with my habit of shutting down in a relationship when I feel like someone is getting “too close”. But that’s a story for another day!).

I used the same decision-making process for staying that I used for leaving: I wrote out my thoughts (I had much more to consider after the conversation with my boyfriend and some soul-searching), I liked my reasons, and I had my own back for those reasons.

None of us has a crystal ball. We can only make our decisions based on a hypothesis of what we think the result might be (logical brain), and what we believe what will be best for us.

I’m not saying we should only think from our logical brain, but it bears trying out when we can’t seem to make a decision otherwise.

As cliche as it sounds, we won’t know we’re taking the right action until we take it.

We can spend our energy spinning in indecision for days, weeks, months, or even years. Or we can decide to take the first, best action, and begin moving forward.

It might be the right step on the first try, or we might use that first result and decide to pivot. Either result is infinitely better than hiding in indecision.

The more you make conscious, deliberate decisions, the easier they are to make.

Confidence breeds confidence.

Stop living in Decision Debt, and start making the choices that move you forward.

Discover What’s Possible

Life Isn’t Fair—But You Can Still Create Your Own Happiness

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

If life were truly fair, many of us would be in trouble.

Have you ever secretly envied someone because they have more than you? More money, a
nicer house or car, a better body, or a better job?

Most of us probably have, because we’re human and have access to the internet.

The reality is, for everything in our lives that we feel isn’t good enough, someone else has even less. Just take a look around…you can always find someone else who has less money, no house or car, or a disability.

So do we really wish life was fair?

It’s About Us, Not Them

When we say “life isn’t fair”, what we really mean is “I should have more than I do”.

That type of thinking comes from our own scarcity mindset, and it keeps us from creating the happiness we think we’re missing.

For example:

Thought:
“That’s not fair.”

Feelings We Generate From That Thought:

Anger
Resentment
Self-pity

Actions We Might Take When Feeling Those Feelings:

Indulge in negative emotions
Shut down or withdrawal
Seek more evidence that life isn’t fair

Here’s What We’re Not Doing While Stuck in Those Feelings:

Taking care of ourselves or our mental health
Looking for ways to improve our situation
Appreciating what we do have

The Result:
We’re the ones being unfair to ourselves.

The reason we focus so much attention on someone else’s situation is that taking responsibility for our own circumstances feels so much harder (it actually isn’t), but it’s the work we need to do if we want to be truly happy.

We Create Our Own Happiness

Happiness is within our power to create.

Looking outward isn’t the answer.

What someone else has or doesn’t have is irrelevant to our situation. It’s not their life that’s causing us pain, it’s our thoughts about their life. And thoughts can be changed.

The first step to creating our own happiness is recognizing when we’re in a scarcity mindset.

Most of us have had negative mindsets running on autopilot in our brains for years (yours truly included), but it is possible to change that.

We need to recognize when we’re choosing negative thoughts, and intentionally choose a thought that feels better in our bodies. Instead of the default thought “I don’t have enough”, which feels horrible, try something that feels more neutral such as “This is what I have right now”, “This is just my starting point”.

It’s a matter of re-training our brains. When we find our brain reverting back to the scarcity thoughts, gently re-direct it to the new thoughts we’re trying to cultivate. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Second, get to work. Write a list of what you have in your life that is enough. It could be “I have a job”, “I have a roof over my head”, “I have a body that has accomplished ‘x’”, or “I have family and friends that I love, and who love me”.

Try to come up with at least as many positive aspects of your life as your perceived negative ones.

Third, and most importantly, work on improving your relationship with yourself.

You have enough.

You are enough.

Give yourself credit for everything in your life you’ve accomplished and built so far, no matter how big or small. Look at all you’ve created, what you’ve accomplished, and ways you’ve helped other people.

Your old, negative thoughts have occupied your brain for years if not decades, so be patient, we won’t adopt new thoughts overnight. For the best results, write them in a journal every day to remind yourself of the intentional thoughts you’re choosing to think now.

Using our perception of other people’s lives to beat ourselves up doesn’t serve us. It may feel easier now, but it only holds us down in the long run, and prevents us from creating our own happiness.

Instead of focusing on how unfair the world is to us, we need to focus on how unfair we are to ourselves.

That’s where we need to start.

I love you, and I believe in you.

Discover What’s Possible

How To Feel Like You Belong – Finding Confidence in Any Situation

Picture by author

It was my first time playing drums in front of other people, and I was terrified.

I was 46 years old and had been playing for just a few years. Up until then, I had only played alone in my garage. Then one day my brother-in-law challenged me to join a program put on by a local music store. Anyone could sign up for the program, no matter their skill level, and at the end of the program, we would all get to play 5 songs on stage at a local venue.

I know I wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been presented as a direct challenge.

When the day came for tryouts I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I forced myself to walk into the building from the parking lot, the whole time wishing I could turn around and run back home. I mean, no one would notice if I left? No harm, no foul. But I’d have to admit to my brother-in-law that I chickened out, and that was enough to keep me moving forward.

There were roughly 50 musicians crammed into two rooms…guitarists, bass players, drummers, and singers, all milling about. Most of them were around my age.

I walked in not knowing anyone and having no idea what to expect.

I expected everyone to stare at me – a 4’11” female, almost 50 years old, carrying a pair of drumsticks in my purse. In my head they were thinking “Who does she think she is?”. “Oh look, she thinks she’s cool, carrying drumsticks in her purse”. “She probably can’t even play”.

Of course, I only thought they were thinking that because that’s what I was saying to myself.

When I walked up to the front desk to sign my name on the list my hand shook so badly I couldn’t even read my own signature.

I looked for somewhere to stand while I waited. I found a spot up against the wall, half hidden behind the door frame. I stood there and quietly surveyed the rest of the room.

At first, I was convinced everyone would stare at me because it was clear to them (and myself) that I did not belong in that room.

But that wasn’t the case.

No one noticed me at all. I was invisible.

I didn’t know if that was better than feeling judged by everyone, or worse?

I stayed in my hiding place while group after group of musicians went up and played their songs.

And I listened. I listened to the drummers who played before me, silently judging their skills against mine.

I noticed there was a repeating pattern…a lot of the bands played the same song, and there happened to be an odd–timing in the chorus that (I felt) the other drummers were missing.

Finally, it was my turn. When I sat down at the drum kit my mouth was as dry as my mom’s pork chops. Of course, the kit was too tall for me because it was meant for an adult-sized person, I practically held my arms over my head to reach the top cymbals, and the snare and toms were set way too high, but I was determined to make it work.

When we started the song my body took over. When I’m playing my mantra is “Don’t think, just play”, so I listened closely to the music and let my body react. The part in the chorus that every other drummer missed came up, so I relaxed into it and played the song like I heard it in my head, the way I thought it should be played.

The whole thing was over in an instant, and I was ecstatic.

I JUST PLAYED THE DRUMS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND I DIDN’T DIE.

When I walked away from the stage my hands were shaking for a totally different reason.

I fucking did it.

I even heard a guitar player walking in front of me say to his friend “She’s the only one who played it right.”

I was on cloud – not even 9 – more like 150.

I remember getting a couple of fist-bumps on my way out, but I don’t remember speaking to anyone.

After tryouts, we were all placed into different bands, and we only had 4 practices before going on stage in a local venue for a concert.

On the day of our concert, the room was filled with mostly friends and family, but well over 100 people in attendance.

When it was time for my band to get up on that stage, there was no taking away my joy. I wasn’t scared at all, I was so excited, I just wanted to GO!

My playing wasn’t perfect, I made a few mistakes during our songs on stage (we all did at some point), but I knew without a doubt that I belonged up there. I enjoyed every second and couldn’t wait to do it again!

When we finished our set I practically floated off stage. People were whooping and clapping, it was the happiest I’d ever been. I hadn’t even made it back to the green room before 3 guys walked up to me and asked if I would be the drummer for their band.

That was more than 10 years ago I’ve never looked back. Now I’m playing in two local cover bands, one classic rock and one 90’s, grunge rock (my dream!).

I can’t imagine how different my life would be now if I had listened to my fear and never taken that chance.

Our Feelings Don’t Come From Our Circumstances

A woman recently told me “…I get to an event and feel completely out of place or get ignored.”

In my case, I sought out being ignored. I was so uncomfortable being in an unfamiliar situation I literally tried making myself invisible.

The reality is that it isn’t the circumstance that makes us feel awkward, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance that cause our feeling of awkwardness.

I walked into that room afraid everyone would think I didn’t belong because I already believed I didn’t belong, and my brain was looking for evidence that I was right.

When we believe we don’t belong we act self-conscious and nervous. Then, we avoid eye contact and (in my case) try to blend into the wallpaper.

And when someone does talk to us we’re so self-conscious that we bungle our words (my social life in a nutshell).

The result we create is WE ARE AWKWARD. We create that reality by believing it first, and then acting accordingly, so our brain can prove that we’re right.

It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way

What if you could decide ahead of time how you want to feel at the event?

Decide you’re going to enjoy yourself because you like the people, or were interested in the event itself.

Decide to keep your eyes up, say Hi to people, or find something interesting to look at or experience. You could make it your mission to find someone else who looked lonely or awkward and strike up a casual conversation. Or start by complimenting their outfit, or picking out something you both have in common.

And yes, you might bumble the conversation (at first), but everyone has at some point. Just laugh it off but keep going.

Most importantly, don’t make it about YOU. Focus on other people, be curious about what they like, how they think, and who they are. Not everyone has to become your best friend, or you theirs, but everyone has a story and you might meet some really interesting people!

There are no rules, and we don’t have to force ourselves to go out and do all the things. We can enjoy staying home just as much as going out.

Either option is fine, just make sure it’s intentional.

Discover What’s Possible

You Can’t Get a Positive Result From a Negative Emotion

Stop trying to shame yourself into success

Photo by Man Chung on Unsplash

When was the last time you celebrated yourself after a failure?

Or gave yourself a pat on the back when you didn’t achieve your goal?

I know it sounds counterintuitive…doesn’t rewarding failure only encourage more failure?

Maybe you’ve set a goal to go to the gym 3 days a week, but only made it once.

Or you promised yourself you wouldn’t eat that cupcake during the office party, only to find yourself holding the empty wrapper without remembering having picked it up in the first place.

Once we’ve determined we “failed” everything else is downhill…we mentally beat ourselves up with our familiar, negative thought loops:

“I knew this wouldn’t work”

“I’ll never lose the weight”

“I can’t do this”

“Why do I even try”

“I’ll never be good enough”

Those thoughts leave us feeling dejected.

When we feel dejected we start to avoid and procrastinate. We double up on overconsumption because, why not? We’ve already screwed up, we might as well go all in.

The result is our efforts DO fail, just like we knew they would, and we end up building more evidence for all of the negative thoughts we were thinking in the first place.

We will never get a positive result from a negative thought.

Some of us might be able to shame ourselves into a few small successes, but I can promise you the journey won’t be enjoyable, which means it won’t be sustainable.

Mentally beating ourselves up keeps us stuck in the same negative thought loop–behavior that got us to where we are right now, with the unwanted results of overeating, over-drinking, or overconsuming.

We cannot shame ourselves into success.

In order to achieve the results we want, we need to become the person who can achieve those results.

In order to become that person who achieves those results we need to change our current (negative) thought patterns. We have to manage our minds to become the person who achieves those results.

–No more beating yourself up.

–No more focusing on past failures to determine your future result.

Who you were in the past does not dictate who you are capable of becoming.

Is your goal to lose weight? Eat better? Get healthy? Then figure out what steps a successful person would do to reach that goal, and do them.

Make sure to include a plan for what will happen on the days you ‘fail’ to execute those steps.

If getting up at 5 am every day to go to the gym isn’t realistic, then try 3 days at 6 am. Or set a goal to start walking every Saturday morning. Be creative, what would be a winning formula to help you get closer to your goal? Figure out those steps then plug them into that formula.

Think of it as math, not drama.

Then, celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Give yourself love and grace on the days you fall short because at least you’re trying. Then get up and get after it again the next day, because that’s what a successful person would do.

Think of the steps in your formula as non-negotiable. You need to commit to showing up, not just for your current self, but your future self. The future you who has already achieved that goal already exists, and she is waiting for you at the finish line.

The only true failure is quitting. Everything else is just a learning curve.

Celebrate yourself for trying, for committing to your future self, and know that you’re one step closer to becoming the future you that achieves your goal.

Manage your mind, to manage your results.

Discover What’s Possible

It’s Like Spring Cleaning, But For Your Brain

Photo by Leohoho on Unsplash

It’s Like Spring Cleaning – But For Your Brain

Here in California, we’re beginning to have faith that spring is on the way…the temps are beginning to inch upwards and we’re seeing fewer and fewer rainy days (contrary to popular belief it does rain in California).

It’s the one time of year I actually feel inspired to clean my apartment.

I get to open windows, let fresh air in, clean out cobwebs, put away heavy things, and shine light into dark corners.

So that got me thinking – spring cleaning our homes is “normal”, like a tradition.

But what if we applied that same tradition to our brains?

Might sound weird I know, but stay with me.

Throughout the Fall and Winter, we’ve endured cold, rain, sometimes snow, and fewer hours of sunlight. We’ve closed our homes and covered ourselves in layers of blankets and warm clothing.

We’re mammals so hibernating is in our DNA, we’re conserving energy. But it can also cause things like seasonal depression and eating habits that result in extra weight. Just like our homes need an airing–out and a refresh to wake everything up, so do our brains.

So what might that look like?

For myself, it looks like getting the sun on my face as soon, and as often, as possible. Going outside for a walk, journaling with the windows and doors open.

It looks like shining a light on the negative thoughts that tend to harbor in the corners of my mind, the ones that have built up during the colder, darker days.

In order to shine a light on those negative thoughts, we first need to find and acknowledge them.

For me, that’s journaling.

I don’t do anything fancy. There’s no expensive, color-coded, store–bought journal. I just grab a plain notebook and a pen, and get all my thoughts out of my brain and onto paper.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I write it all down, with NO judgment. We’re all human, we all have ugly thoughts. But thoughts are optional, just because we have one doesn’t mean we need to agree with it, and we definitely don’t need to keep it. We can just write it down, and let it go.

Many of us have negative thought loops that play on automatic repeat in our heads unchecked:

I’m not as smart as other people
I’m too much
I’m not enough
I’m too different

We’re been thinking these thoughts for so long we’ve accepted them as facts.

But that’s a lie.

They’re just thoughts. And thoughts are optional.

We can change them, we just have to decide to put in the work.

By work, I mean take a few minutes to LOOK at those thoughts and figure out which ones are hurting you. Write them down, and bring them into the light of day so they can no longer hide in your subconscious.

Note that they are just thoughts, and then choose whether or not you want to keep them.

But that doesn’t mean we can just change a negative thought to another, completely opposite thought. We can’t go from “I’m not enough” to “I’m amazing” because of a little thing called cognitive dissonance. Our brains won’t believe it so it will never stick.

Pick a thought that’s just slightly better than the previous thought.

“I’m not enough” could be “I am capable at some things” (then list at least five)

“I’m too fat” could be “My hair looks good today”, “I like my eyes”, or “I have a strong, capable body”.

Then practice that new, intentional thought. Write it down every day to remind yourself that this is the thought you’re deciding to think from now on. Give it just as much air time as you were giving your previous, unwanted thought.

Let go of the negative thoughts that have been hidden under layers of heaviness. Clean out your mental cobwebs, put away heavy things, shine light into the dark corners, and let the fresh thoughts in.

This spring, while you’re opening up and refreshing your space, remember to let some light and air into your brain as well.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S. Speaking of spring, I’m opening up my coaching to new clients starting in April of 2024. If it’s something you’re interested in or want to know more about, just email me or reach out to me on all the Socials, I’d be happy to chat with you!

Are You Still Choosing To Believe The Worst About Yourself?

(You can stop that now)

Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

When I was around 14 years old I shared a room with my sister. It wasn’t a big room but I enjoyed moving my bed and dresser around just to change things up whenever I got bored with the layout. The bed was heavy so it took a lot of shoving, pushing, and pulling to get it where I wanted, but it was always worth the effort.

One time I had spent most of the day rearranging my bed at the far end of the room, closer to the window, which gave me more space in the middle of the room. It was cozier, and I was happy with it.

When I was done I opened the bedroom door to proudly show my parents what I had accomplished.

My mom nodded and said it looked okay. My dad pointed out that I was blocking the heat from the baseboards because my bed was too close to it. I hadn’t noticed that but I said I was okay with it. We argued back and forth for a minute, and I don’t remember what else was said exactly, but our conversation ended with my dad yelling “Dummy!” at me before storming back down the hallway.

At the time I had a chip on my shoulder so I didn’t think anything my dad could say would bother me.

But my dad telling me I was dumb did bother me. It bothered me so much that I spent the next 40 years trying to prove him wrong, even though I secretly believed he was right.

I think I doubted my intelligence long before that moment, and my dad’s words just confirmed the thoughts I already had.

My brain was very good at providing evidence to back up my belief. I consistently got A’s in advanced English, and A’s and B’s in advanced biology, but those were easy to dismiss.

It’s the D’s and F’s I received in math class – everything from basic algebra to geometry – that my brain focused on. I would see “everyone else” around me (and by everyone I mean the 2 or 3 people who were good at math) answering questions like it all made perfect sense to them. Meanwhile, I stared at the jumble of numbers and symbols on my paper, holding back tears, because none of it made any sense to me and I was too embarrassed to ask for help.

I chose the smallest sample of what my brain had to offer and used it as evidence to prove my thought, and my dad’s words, that I was, indeed, dumb.

But why? Why do so many of us choose to believe the worst about ourselves?

Thinking back now it might have been that I was afraid of being smart. According to my primal brain smart people stood out. Parents and teachers expected things from them. If I wasn’t smart I didn’t have that kind of responsibility, no one would expect anything from me, and I could blend in and not get noticed.

Whatever the reason, I spent the majority of my life hiding, playing small, and not believing in myself. I never took the time to learn who I was and what I was capable of, so I was left with believing another person’s opinion of me.

Here’s the reality – negative words are just words, they only hurt when part of us believes them to be true.

Are you also believing – and finding validation for – something negative about yourself, and using select, outside opinions to confirm your internal bias? Have you been hiding and playing small, for whatever reason?

If you are, I can promise it isn’t serving you. And it isn’t serving the people around you who love you.

No one else is like you…no one before you was, and no one after you will be. You are, and will always be the only amazing, beautiful, unique, you. You deserve to know yourself and to share your true self with your loved ones around you.

You deserve to discover how capable you truly are, decide what you want and who you want to be, and then go out and create it.

Artist, writer, dancer, architect, investor, lawyer, teacher, it’s all open to you.

Discover What’s Possible.

P.S. If any of this resonates with you – I can help! Let’s connect and let me show you how to discover who you are and how to create your full, intentional life.

You’re Born An Individual, And You Die An Individual. You Deserve to Know Yourself During the In–Between

Caution: Tough love ahead

Photo by Hiroshi Kimura on Unsplash

If you’re in your middle age of life you may have been raised believing (consciously or unconsciously) that your value was determined by the opinions of the people around you. Pre-internet that meant your dad, your mom, siblings, friends, teachers, and co-workers.

If they liked you, you were winning. If you served everyone around you well and did all the right things, you could feel like a good person. You could feel loved, appreciated, or valued.

But, what happened when your efforts backfired? When your friends or family didn’t appreciate your help, got upset because you did it wrong, yelled at you, or – worse?

How did that make you feel then?

Looking back over your life, how many years would you say you’ve spent turning yourself inside out to appease others, to “make them happy”, so you could feel valued and loved in return?

If you’re like me, the answer would be: “All of them”.

Changing yourself to make other people happy sounds like a noble pursuit, some of us even became experts. It seemed harmless – why wouldn’t we want to try and make others happy?

I’ll give you 3 reasons why:

It’s a moving target. People are human beings, so what worked yesterday might not work today. And when you don’t get the desired result on your first try, you have to scramble to become someone, or something, else. You have to keep trying different ways to fit yourself into their puzzle.
Technically, it’s mental and emotional manipulation. We try to say the right thing at the right time to the right person, so they’ll feel good and react in a way that makes us feel good in return. Even if we’re doing it with the best intentions, it’s not only inauthentic, it’s exhausting.
And the most important reason: By fitting yourself into everyone else’s puzzle, and becoming who (you think) they need you to be (yes, even to your kids), you will never get to know who you are. And, sadly, neither will they.

So, big deal, right? What does that even mean?

I believe we are put on this earth to help others, to love and support the people we come in contact with every day. But I also believe we are meant to discover what each of us is capable of, individually.

I believe every one of us has been gifted with different abilities and talents. Wouldn’t it be a tragedy if we lived our whole lives never finding out what we were capable of? Of finding out what our gifts and talents were that might allow us to help so many MORE people than we could even imagine?

You don’t have to stop loving and serving the people around you. But I would like to offer that you could be so much more to them by being more to yourself.

Start by getting to know yourself like you would a new best friend…what do you like? What do you not like? If you were suddenly on an island with no one else around would you know how to act? Or who to be? Would you feel freedom, or terror?

I’m not saying you have to quit your current life and become someone different (you were already doing that, remember? 🙂). And you don’t have to come up with some grand plan or make drastic changes to your current lifestyle.

I think a lot of us are afraid of finding out who we are, or who we could be. We mistakenly believe it’s better to let everyone else around us steer our ship for fear that we might make a mistake.

But the real mistake is never giving our true selves a chance.

Get to know yourself.
Then become accepting of yourself.
Then become loving to yourself.
Then become true to yourself.

Once you do that, you can be accepting, loving, and true to everyone else around you.

Be the example of what it means to be your own person, to live your life on your own terms.

Discover What’s Possible.

Lost in Negativity: Rediscovering the Habit of Positive Thinking

Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash

We all know the benefits of maintaining a positive outlook – lower blood pressure, less stress, better mood, etc.

I even teach others how to improve their life by managing their thoughts.

Unfortunately, my bouts of positivity can sometimes be short-lived.

All might be well for a few days or even weeks at a time…I feel productive, I have a great attitude, I’m in happy hustle mode getting all the things done.

Inevitably, the “ick”, or negative thought loop, will start to sneak in:

“You know you’re doing this wrong. You didn’t finish what you started last time, what makes you think you’ll finish this? And even if you do no one will notice, so why do you bother?”.

My happy hustle mode quietly begins to wane and the negativity sets in. The next thing I know I’m sitting on the couch binge-watching Northwoods Law for hours, crying over lost hikers and injured baby animals.

It takes work for me to keep positivity in the forefront of my brain and I’ve turned that work into a daily habit. It’s when I break that habit that the ick starts to take over. As a result, I can sit in apathy and inactivity for days or even weeks.

Thankfully I’ve learned now how to recognize that pattern within myself. And while I can’t always stop it from happening, I can drastically shorten its effect.

Here are 3 steps I take when I need to get my brain back on track.

Step One – Stop the “ick”.

As they say, the first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.

So the first thing I do when I find myself in a negative thought spiral is to stop beating myself up for being in a negative thought spiral.

If someone I loved was down or in a slump, I would never even THINK of layering more negativity on top of that, because that’s not how we treat our loved ones.

But that is how we treat ourselves.

So I think of something I would normally say to someone I love, and I say it to myself. Statements like “I love you and it’s okay to feel however you feel. It doesn’t make you bad, or wrong, or mean anything about you.” “You’re not doing life wrong.” I sometimes even give myself a little mental hug, just like I would hug one of my kids.

One thing I DON’T do is try to force myself out of the negativity. If I decide I want to feel bad for a few days, then I give myself permission to do just that. When I decide I’m tired of sitting on the couch I get my journal out and get back to doing some simple thought work.

Second step, write down your intentional thoughts. Every day.

Journaling needs to be a top priority for me if I want to stay in a positive thought cycle.

Every time I find myself in a downward spiral you can bet it started when I stopped making journaling a daily habit.

It doesn’t have to be anything involved or elaborate. My daily journaling takes maybe 10 minutes in the morning, depending on whether or not I do a full thought download (aka “brain dump”)..

Since journals can sometimes be pricey and complicated I started making my own using a small, plain, college-ruled notebook.

Each entry starts with a list of the “5 Things I’m Grateful For” that day (big or small). That prompt immediately takes my focus off of myself and puts it towards the good things I have going on around me, even if it’s just a really good, hot cup of coffee.

Next, I make a list of the “10 Ways I’m Living My Fullest Life”. These are 10 ideals I want to maintain daily to help me achieve my goals. It’s the same list every day, in order of importance, and written in the present tense. Here are the first two as an example:

I treat myself with love and respect.

This is a decision I committed to about a year ago, and I still have to write it down every day or I will forget it. When I’m treating myself with love and respect it’s impossible to also hold the belief that I’m not good enough. Writing this simple phrase is a sure-fire way to pull myself out of a spiral, I can feel a shift in my body as soon as I remind myself of that commitment.

The second item on my list:

I believe in myself and my clients

It’s another thought that I decided to adopt a long time ago, and another one I can easily forget if I’m not reminded daily. Just like my first affirmation, when I remind myself that I believe both myself and my clients have what it takes to show up for ourselves and improve our lives, I can’t also hold the belief that “this will never work so why bother”.

Last, but not least

The third step for living my fullest life is to move my body every day.

This can be anything from going to the gym and working hard for an hour, running a 5K, or just walking for 15 minutes.

Committing to moving my body can also be a double-edged sword for me…I love working out at the gym and I equally love getting outside and walking, hiking, running, kayaking, paddle boarding, you name it. It clears my mind, gives me a better perspective, and reminds me how strong my body is.

But it’s also something I can, and will, use against myself if I don’t achieve it (I’m looking at you damn Apple rings). I would also rather work out than do other things, like talk to other humans or try to craft the perfect blog post. So I just need to make sure that the reasons I’m moving my body that week are in alignment with the first two items on my daily list.

These are just 3 steps out of the 10 that I use to get my brain back into a positive thought habit. It would be wonderful if I could just wake up every day and have all these great thoughts and feelings generated automatically, without having to put in any work, but that’s just not how it is for me.

And that’s okay.

I don’t believe we’re meant to have “only good vibes”, or “no bad days”. I think life is more like 50/50 – 50% positive and 50% negative. And when my life is turning out to feel more 70/30 or 80/20, I know what steps I can, and need, to take to get my life back on track.

And now, so do you.

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Your Thoughts Are Not Facts

Learn how to tell the difference

Photo by Andrew George on Unsplash

Many of us mistake our thoughts for actual facts:

“I’ll never make that much money” (thought).

“I’m fat” (thought).

When we believe those thoughts to be true, we feel locked into our current circumstances:

“I’ll never make that much money” = “I’ll always be struggling financially”.

“I’m fat” = “I’ll never lose weight”.

But thoughts are not facts. They’re negative thought loops in our brains that we’ve believed for so long that they feel true in our bodies.

My own go-to thought is “I’m not good enough” = “Life will always be like this”.

It’s one of the top 3 lies my brain tells me every day.

The trick is to notice these negative thought loops and question them.

How might that thought not be true?

If you could make more money, how might you do it?

What could you do for yourself to make losing weight easily obtainable?

How might I already be good enough? How am I even defining “good enough”?

Recognize the difference between a thought and a fact.

Question the thought, is it serving you?

If not, change it.

You can learn to manage your thoughts.

Discover What’s Possible.

How To Stop Controlling The People You Love

(It’s killing your relationships)

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Usually, I write about people pleasing.

Why we do it, how it started, and how to stop.

Today is a little different perspective, however. Consider it a deeper dive.

As you may already know, people-pleasing is a skill we develop in childhood, as a means of self-preservation. We try to behave the “right” way to please others and control their emotions and reactions to feel safe and to keep the peace (you can read more about that here).

Theoretically, we should evolve out of people-pleasing as we get older because we no longer need to try and control others to feel safe. We’re more independent and have more agency over our own feelings.

Unfortunately, that’s usually not the case. If you grew up people-pleasing there was probably no one teaching you how to manage your feelings.

So, even as adults, we still believe we need to control the emotions and behaviors of others to achieve our desired emotions. We need them to behave or react in the “right way” in order for us to feel happy, loved, or accepted.

And this my friends, is called ‘having a manual’.

When we’re in a relationship with someone we (subconsciously) have a manual for that person with rules about how they need to act and what they need to say in order for us to feel our desired emotions, whether it’s love, appreciation, or respect.

And we apply those manuals to all of our relationships, friends, partners, parents, or children.

We tell ourselves:
“If my husband remembers my birthday or buys me something I really want, then he loves me. If he doesn’t, then he clearly doesn’t love or understand me.”
“My mom or dad needs to tell me they’re proud of me or that they love me so I can feel appreciated and loved”
“My grown kids need to text me or spend time with me so I can feel appreciated and believe I’m a good parent.”

What do all these examples have in common?

We’re giving control of our feelings over to someone else.
The people we are entrusting our feelings to are living, breathing human beings with free will

That is not a winning formula.

I love my kids unconditionally and with all of my heart, as I’m sure most parents do.

Now, ask me how many times I’ve let my children down…the times I forgot an important date or something they were supposed to have for school, or didn’t buy the right toy at Christmas or their birthday. My kids are grown adults and I still let them down.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them, or value them above anything else!

It just means I’m human. I’ve never been perfect and I will never be.

So why is it we expect other people to be perfect, and to not disappoint us? To say and do everything the right way, otherwise, we can’t feel loved and appreciated?

The real reason we feel disappointed

Most of us blame our feelings of disappointment on someone else because they didn’t say or do something that they ‘should’ have.

But that’s not the real cause.

Our disappointment comes from expecting them to act differently than they did.

For not following our manual.

When I first met my late husband, Craig, what drew me to him was that he was the most easygoing, laid-back person I’d ever met. He could get along with anyone and rarely ever got upset.

After roughly ten years into our marriage, however, it was that same laid-back trait that I started resenting.

I became frustrated that he never had an opinion about what we did. He would always leave it up to me: “Whatever you want to do”, or “Whatever you think”.

Fast forward twenty-four years into our marriage, fourteen years after his diagnosis of primary progressive MS. By then he was confined to a bed and I had been caring for him for several years.

As his condition worsened I became more angry and resentful by the day. I felt like he wasn’t “trying hard enough” to care for himself, and that he was leaving all the work and decisions up to me. He was being too laid back.

My manual for him was that he needed to make more of an effort to care for himself so I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

I blamed my husband for my feelings. I was angry at him, at our situation, and at myself. I felt miserable and I was making everyone else around me miserable as well, including my husband and my kids.

A few months before my husband passed, when I began doing thought work, I finally saw what I was doing.

My husband wasn’t causing my anger and frustration.

It was my thought that he should be acting differently than he was.

That he should somehow be different than he had been in the almost thirty years of our relationship.

He should have taken control of the situation and been the one to make all the decisions and fight for a longer life.

The realization that I was angry at him for not following my unwritten, unexpressed manual was the most considerable relief I had gotten up to that point. My anger and resentment dissolved almost immediately.

Once I realized my husband was only being the same person he had always been, I could step back and look at our situation more objectively. I could understand he was doing the best he could and that he was only being the same person he had always been. The same person I fell in love with almost thirty years before.

By letting go of my manual for him, and how he “should” be handling his illness, I could let go of the manual I had for myself, for how I “should” also be handling it. I was able to give both of us grace and let go of my expectations. Each of us was handling the situation the best we could.

Losing my anger and resentment allowed room for the compassion, and also the grief that I had been stuffing down for that whole time.

Who are you holding a manual for?

If you grew up as a people-pleaser you probably have a manual for most of the relationships in your life. Sometimes it’s the only way we know how to connect with other people.

But I’d like to offer that you can let that manual go. It’s not serving you and it’s certainly not helping your relationships.

You will never get your mom to act how she’s never acted, or to (authentically) say what she’s never said.

You will never get your husband to do what he said he would do when he said he would do it if that’s not something he’s ever done.

You will never get your kids to act how you think they should act.

Trying to control our feelings by controlling other people just doesn’t work. Plus it’s exhausting.

Instead, learn to control what is within your power to control.

Look inside yourself. Get curious about why, why do you need someone else to act a certain way?

And what will you get to feel if they do?

Will you get to feel validated? Loved? Accepted?

My dear you don’t need someone else to make you feel that way, these are feelings you can give yourself – you can believe in yourself, you can validate yourself, and you can love and accept yourself.

That’s the work.

We are the only ones who can fill those buckets inside of ourselves, and it’s an option available to all of us, no matter where we’re starting from.

The more love and acceptance we have within us, the more we can share with those outside of us.

It’s a beautiful thing.

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