Life Isn’t Fair—But You Can Still Create Your Own Happiness

If life were truly fair, many of us would be in trouble.

Have you ever secretly envied someone because they have more than you? More money, a
nicer house or car, a better body, or a better job?

Most of us probably have, because we’re human and have access to the internet.

The reality is, for everything in our lives that we feel isn’t good enough, someone else has even less. Just take a look around…you can always find someone else who has less money, no house or car, or a disability.

So do we really wish life was fair?

It’s About Us, Not Them

When we say “life isn’t fair”, what we really mean is “I should have more than I do”.

That type of thinking comes from our own scarcity mindset, and it keeps us from creating the happiness we think we’re missing.

For example:

Thought:
“That’s not fair.”

Feelings We Generate From That Thought:

Anger
Resentment
Self-pity

Actions We Might Take When Feeling Those Feelings:

Indulge in negative emotions
Shut down or withdrawal
Seek more evidence that life isn’t fair

Here’s What We’re Not Doing While Stuck in Those Feelings:

Taking care of ourselves or our mental health
Looking for ways to improve our situation
Appreciating what we do have

The Result:
We’re the ones being unfair to ourselves.

The reason we focus so much attention on someone else’s situation is that taking responsibility for our own circumstances feels so much harder (it actually isn’t), but it’s the work we need to do if we want to be truly happy.

We Create Our Own Happiness

Happiness is within our power to create.

Looking outward isn’t the answer.

What someone else has or doesn’t have is irrelevant to our situation. It’s not their life that’s causing us pain, it’s our thoughts about their life. And thoughts can be changed.

The first step to creating our own happiness is recognizing when we’re in a scarcity mindset.

Most of us have had negative mindsets running on autopilot in our brains for years (yours truly included), but it is possible to change that.

We need to recognize when we’re choosing negative thoughts, and intentionally choose a thought that feels better in our bodies. Instead of the default thought “I don’t have enough”, which feels horrible, try something that feels more neutral such as “This is what I have right now”, “This is just my starting point”.

It’s a matter of re-training our brains. When we find our brain reverting back to the scarcity thoughts, gently re-direct it to the new thoughts we’re trying to cultivate. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Second, get to work. Write a list of what you have in your life that is enough. It could be “I have a job”, “I have a roof over my head”, “I have a body that has accomplished ‘x’”, or “I have family and friends that I love, and who love me”.

Try to come up with at least as many positive aspects of your life as your perceived negative ones.

Third, and most importantly, work on improving your relationship with yourself.

You have enough.

You are enough.

Give yourself credit for everything in your life you’ve accomplished and built so far, no matter how big or small. Look at all you’ve created, what you’ve accomplished, and ways you’ve helped other people.

Your old, negative thoughts have occupied your brain for years if not decades, so be patient, we won’t adopt new thoughts overnight. For the best results, write them in a journal every day to remind yourself of the intentional thoughts you’re choosing to think now.

Using our perception of other people’s lives to beat ourselves up doesn’t serve us. It may feel easier now, but it only holds us down in the long run, and prevents us from creating our own happiness.

Instead of focusing on how unfair the world is to us, we need to focus on how unfair we are to ourselves.

That’s where we need to start.

I love you, and I believe in you.

Discover What’s Possible

You Can’t Get a Positive Result From a Negative Emotion

Stop trying to shame yourself into success

Photo by Man Chung on Unsplash

When was the last time you celebrated yourself after a failure?

Or gave yourself a pat on the back when you didn’t achieve your goal?

I know it sounds counterintuitive…doesn’t rewarding failure only encourage more failure?

Maybe you’ve set a goal to go to the gym 3 days a week, but only made it once.

Or you promised yourself you wouldn’t eat that cupcake during the office party, only to find yourself holding the empty wrapper without remembering having picked it up in the first place.

Once we’ve determined we “failed” everything else is downhill…we mentally beat ourselves up with our familiar, negative thought loops:

“I knew this wouldn’t work”

“I’ll never lose the weight”

“I can’t do this”

“Why do I even try”

“I’ll never be good enough”

Those thoughts leave us feeling dejected.

When we feel dejected we start to avoid and procrastinate. We double up on overconsumption because, why not? We’ve already screwed up, we might as well go all in.

The result is our efforts DO fail, just like we knew they would, and we end up building more evidence for all of the negative thoughts we were thinking in the first place.

We will never get a positive result from a negative thought.

Some of us might be able to shame ourselves into a few small successes, but I can promise you the journey won’t be enjoyable, which means it won’t be sustainable.

Mentally beating ourselves up keeps us stuck in the same negative thought loop–behavior that got us to where we are right now, with the unwanted results of overeating, over-drinking, or overconsuming.

We cannot shame ourselves into success.

In order to achieve the results we want, we need to become the person who can achieve those results.

In order to become that person who achieves those results we need to change our current (negative) thought patterns. We have to manage our minds to become the person who achieves those results.

–No more beating yourself up.

–No more focusing on past failures to determine your future result.

Who you were in the past does not dictate who you are capable of becoming.

Is your goal to lose weight? Eat better? Get healthy? Then figure out what steps a successful person would do to reach that goal, and do them.

Make sure to include a plan for what will happen on the days you ‘fail’ to execute those steps.

If getting up at 5 am every day to go to the gym isn’t realistic, then try 3 days at 6 am. Or set a goal to start walking every Saturday morning. Be creative, what would be a winning formula to help you get closer to your goal? Figure out those steps then plug them into that formula.

Think of it as math, not drama.

Then, celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Give yourself love and grace on the days you fall short because at least you’re trying. Then get up and get after it again the next day, because that’s what a successful person would do.

Think of the steps in your formula as non-negotiable. You need to commit to showing up, not just for your current self, but your future self. The future you who has already achieved that goal already exists, and she is waiting for you at the finish line.

The only true failure is quitting. Everything else is just a learning curve.

Celebrate yourself for trying, for committing to your future self, and know that you’re one step closer to becoming the future you that achieves your goal.

Manage your mind, to manage your results.

Discover What’s Possible

It’s Like Spring Cleaning, But For Your Brain

Photo by Leohoho on Unsplash

It’s Like Spring Cleaning – But For Your Brain

Here in California, we’re beginning to have faith that spring is on the way…the temps are beginning to inch upwards and we’re seeing fewer and fewer rainy days (contrary to popular belief it does rain in California).

It’s the one time of year I actually feel inspired to clean my apartment.

I get to open windows, let fresh air in, clean out cobwebs, put away heavy things, and shine light into dark corners.

So that got me thinking – spring cleaning our homes is “normal”, like a tradition.

But what if we applied that same tradition to our brains?

Might sound weird I know, but stay with me.

Throughout the Fall and Winter, we’ve endured cold, rain, sometimes snow, and fewer hours of sunlight. We’ve closed our homes and covered ourselves in layers of blankets and warm clothing.

We’re mammals so hibernating is in our DNA, we’re conserving energy. But it can also cause things like seasonal depression and eating habits that result in extra weight. Just like our homes need an airing–out and a refresh to wake everything up, so do our brains.

So what might that look like?

For myself, it looks like getting the sun on my face as soon, and as often, as possible. Going outside for a walk, journaling with the windows and doors open.

It looks like shining a light on the negative thoughts that tend to harbor in the corners of my mind, the ones that have built up during the colder, darker days.

In order to shine a light on those negative thoughts, we first need to find and acknowledge them.

For me, that’s journaling.

I don’t do anything fancy. There’s no expensive, color-coded, store–bought journal. I just grab a plain notebook and a pen, and get all my thoughts out of my brain and onto paper.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I write it all down, with NO judgment. We’re all human, we all have ugly thoughts. But thoughts are optional, just because we have one doesn’t mean we need to agree with it, and we definitely don’t need to keep it. We can just write it down, and let it go.

Many of us have negative thought loops that play on automatic repeat in our heads unchecked:

I’m not as smart as other people
I’m too much
I’m not enough
I’m too different

We’re been thinking these thoughts for so long we’ve accepted them as facts.

But that’s a lie.

They’re just thoughts. And thoughts are optional.

We can change them, we just have to decide to put in the work.

By work, I mean take a few minutes to LOOK at those thoughts and figure out which ones are hurting you. Write them down, and bring them into the light of day so they can no longer hide in your subconscious.

Note that they are just thoughts, and then choose whether or not you want to keep them.

But that doesn’t mean we can just change a negative thought to another, completely opposite thought. We can’t go from “I’m not enough” to “I’m amazing” because of a little thing called cognitive dissonance. Our brains won’t believe it so it will never stick.

Pick a thought that’s just slightly better than the previous thought.

“I’m not enough” could be “I am capable at some things” (then list at least five)

“I’m too fat” could be “My hair looks good today”, “I like my eyes”, or “I have a strong, capable body”.

Then practice that new, intentional thought. Write it down every day to remind yourself that this is the thought you’re deciding to think from now on. Give it just as much air time as you were giving your previous, unwanted thought.

Let go of the negative thoughts that have been hidden under layers of heaviness. Clean out your mental cobwebs, put away heavy things, shine light into the dark corners, and let the fresh thoughts in.

This spring, while you’re opening up and refreshing your space, remember to let some light and air into your brain as well.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S. Speaking of spring, I’m opening up my coaching to new clients starting in April of 2024. If it’s something you’re interested in or want to know more about, just email me or reach out to me on all the Socials, I’d be happy to chat with you!

Are You Still Choosing To Believe The Worst About Yourself?

(You can stop that now)

Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

When I was around 14 years old I shared a room with my sister. It wasn’t a big room but I enjoyed moving my bed and dresser around just to change things up whenever I got bored with the layout. The bed was heavy so it took a lot of shoving, pushing, and pulling to get it where I wanted, but it was always worth the effort.

One time I had spent most of the day rearranging my bed at the far end of the room, closer to the window, which gave me more space in the middle of the room. It was cozier, and I was happy with it.

When I was done I opened the bedroom door to proudly show my parents what I had accomplished.

My mom nodded and said it looked okay. My dad pointed out that I was blocking the heat from the baseboards because my bed was too close to it. I hadn’t noticed that but I said I was okay with it. We argued back and forth for a minute, and I don’t remember what else was said exactly, but our conversation ended with my dad yelling “Dummy!” at me before storming back down the hallway.

At the time I had a chip on my shoulder so I didn’t think anything my dad could say would bother me.

But my dad telling me I was dumb did bother me. It bothered me so much that I spent the next 40 years trying to prove him wrong, even though I secretly believed he was right.

I think I doubted my intelligence long before that moment, and my dad’s words just confirmed the thoughts I already had.

My brain was very good at providing evidence to back up my belief. I consistently got A’s in advanced English, and A’s and B’s in advanced biology, but those were easy to dismiss.

It’s the D’s and F’s I received in math class – everything from basic algebra to geometry – that my brain focused on. I would see “everyone else” around me (and by everyone I mean the 2 or 3 people who were good at math) answering questions like it all made perfect sense to them. Meanwhile, I stared at the jumble of numbers and symbols on my paper, holding back tears, because none of it made any sense to me and I was too embarrassed to ask for help.

I chose the smallest sample of what my brain had to offer and used it as evidence to prove my thought, and my dad’s words, that I was, indeed, dumb.

But why? Why do so many of us choose to believe the worst about ourselves?

Thinking back now it might have been that I was afraid of being smart. According to my primal brain smart people stood out. Parents and teachers expected things from them. If I wasn’t smart I didn’t have that kind of responsibility, no one would expect anything from me, and I could blend in and not get noticed.

Whatever the reason, I spent the majority of my life hiding, playing small, and not believing in myself. I never took the time to learn who I was and what I was capable of, so I was left with believing another person’s opinion of me.

Here’s the reality – negative words are just words, they only hurt when part of us believes them to be true.

Are you also believing – and finding validation for – something negative about yourself, and using select, outside opinions to confirm your internal bias? Have you been hiding and playing small, for whatever reason?

If you are, I can promise it isn’t serving you. And it isn’t serving the people around you who love you.

No one else is like you…no one before you was, and no one after you will be. You are, and will always be the only amazing, beautiful, unique, you. You deserve to know yourself and to share your true self with your loved ones around you.

You deserve to discover how capable you truly are, decide what you want and who you want to be, and then go out and create it.

Artist, writer, dancer, architect, investor, lawyer, teacher, it’s all open to you.

Discover What’s Possible.

P.S. If any of this resonates with you – I can help! Let’s connect and let me show you how to discover who you are and how to create your full, intentional life.

Lost in Negativity: Rediscovering the Habit of Positive Thinking

Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash

We all know the benefits of maintaining a positive outlook – lower blood pressure, less stress, better mood, etc.

I even teach others how to improve their life by managing their thoughts.

Unfortunately, my bouts of positivity can sometimes be short-lived.

All might be well for a few days or even weeks at a time…I feel productive, I have a great attitude, I’m in happy hustle mode getting all the things done.

Inevitably, the “ick”, or negative thought loop, will start to sneak in:

“You know you’re doing this wrong. You didn’t finish what you started last time, what makes you think you’ll finish this? And even if you do no one will notice, so why do you bother?”.

My happy hustle mode quietly begins to wane and the negativity sets in. The next thing I know I’m sitting on the couch binge-watching Northwoods Law for hours, crying over lost hikers and injured baby animals.

It takes work for me to keep positivity in the forefront of my brain and I’ve turned that work into a daily habit. It’s when I break that habit that the ick starts to take over. As a result, I can sit in apathy and inactivity for days or even weeks.

Thankfully I’ve learned now how to recognize that pattern within myself. And while I can’t always stop it from happening, I can drastically shorten its effect.

Here are 3 steps I take when I need to get my brain back on track.

Step One – Stop the “ick”.

As they say, the first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging.

So the first thing I do when I find myself in a negative thought spiral is to stop beating myself up for being in a negative thought spiral.

If someone I loved was down or in a slump, I would never even THINK of layering more negativity on top of that, because that’s not how we treat our loved ones.

But that is how we treat ourselves.

So I think of something I would normally say to someone I love, and I say it to myself. Statements like “I love you and it’s okay to feel however you feel. It doesn’t make you bad, or wrong, or mean anything about you.” “You’re not doing life wrong.” I sometimes even give myself a little mental hug, just like I would hug one of my kids.

One thing I DON’T do is try to force myself out of the negativity. If I decide I want to feel bad for a few days, then I give myself permission to do just that. When I decide I’m tired of sitting on the couch I get my journal out and get back to doing some simple thought work.

Second step, write down your intentional thoughts. Every day.

Journaling needs to be a top priority for me if I want to stay in a positive thought cycle.

Every time I find myself in a downward spiral you can bet it started when I stopped making journaling a daily habit.

It doesn’t have to be anything involved or elaborate. My daily journaling takes maybe 10 minutes in the morning, depending on whether or not I do a full thought download (aka “brain dump”)..

Since journals can sometimes be pricey and complicated I started making my own using a small, plain, college-ruled notebook.

Each entry starts with a list of the “5 Things I’m Grateful For” that day (big or small). That prompt immediately takes my focus off of myself and puts it towards the good things I have going on around me, even if it’s just a really good, hot cup of coffee.

Next, I make a list of the “10 Ways I’m Living My Fullest Life”. These are 10 ideals I want to maintain daily to help me achieve my goals. It’s the same list every day, in order of importance, and written in the present tense. Here are the first two as an example:

I treat myself with love and respect.

This is a decision I committed to about a year ago, and I still have to write it down every day or I will forget it. When I’m treating myself with love and respect it’s impossible to also hold the belief that I’m not good enough. Writing this simple phrase is a sure-fire way to pull myself out of a spiral, I can feel a shift in my body as soon as I remind myself of that commitment.

The second item on my list:

I believe in myself and my clients

It’s another thought that I decided to adopt a long time ago, and another one I can easily forget if I’m not reminded daily. Just like my first affirmation, when I remind myself that I believe both myself and my clients have what it takes to show up for ourselves and improve our lives, I can’t also hold the belief that “this will never work so why bother”.

Last, but not least

The third step for living my fullest life is to move my body every day.

This can be anything from going to the gym and working hard for an hour, running a 5K, or just walking for 15 minutes.

Committing to moving my body can also be a double-edged sword for me…I love working out at the gym and I equally love getting outside and walking, hiking, running, kayaking, paddle boarding, you name it. It clears my mind, gives me a better perspective, and reminds me how strong my body is.

But it’s also something I can, and will, use against myself if I don’t achieve it (I’m looking at you damn Apple rings). I would also rather work out than do other things, like talk to other humans or try to craft the perfect blog post. So I just need to make sure that the reasons I’m moving my body that week are in alignment with the first two items on my daily list.

These are just 3 steps out of the 10 that I use to get my brain back into a positive thought habit. It would be wonderful if I could just wake up every day and have all these great thoughts and feelings generated automatically, without having to put in any work, but that’s just not how it is for me.

And that’s okay.

I don’t believe we’re meant to have “only good vibes”, or “no bad days”. I think life is more like 50/50 – 50% positive and 50% negative. And when my life is turning out to feel more 70/30 or 80/20, I know what steps I can, and need, to take to get my life back on track.

And now, so do you.

Discover What’s Possible

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Your Thoughts Are Not Facts

Learn how to tell the difference

Photo by Andrew George on Unsplash

Many of us mistake our thoughts for actual facts:

“I’ll never make that much money” (thought).

“I’m fat” (thought).

When we believe those thoughts to be true, we feel locked into our current circumstances:

“I’ll never make that much money” = “I’ll always be struggling financially”.

“I’m fat” = “I’ll never lose weight”.

But thoughts are not facts. They’re negative thought loops in our brains that we’ve believed for so long that they feel true in our bodies.

My own go-to thought is “I’m not good enough” = “Life will always be like this”.

It’s one of the top 3 lies my brain tells me every day.

The trick is to notice these negative thought loops and question them.

How might that thought not be true?

If you could make more money, how might you do it?

What could you do for yourself to make losing weight easily obtainable?

How might I already be good enough? How am I even defining “good enough”?

Recognize the difference between a thought and a fact.

Question the thought, is it serving you?

If not, change it.

You can learn to manage your thoughts.

Discover What’s Possible.

How To Stop Controlling The People You Love

(It’s killing your relationships)

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Usually, I write about people pleasing.

Why we do it, how it started, and how to stop.

Today is a little different perspective, however. Consider it a deeper dive.

As you may already know, people-pleasing is a skill we develop in childhood, as a means of self-preservation. We try to behave the “right” way to please others and control their emotions and reactions to feel safe and to keep the peace (you can read more about that here).

Theoretically, we should evolve out of people-pleasing as we get older because we no longer need to try and control others to feel safe. We’re more independent and have more agency over our own feelings.

Unfortunately, that’s usually not the case. If you grew up people-pleasing there was probably no one teaching you how to manage your feelings.

So, even as adults, we still believe we need to control the emotions and behaviors of others to achieve our desired emotions. We need them to behave or react in the “right way” in order for us to feel happy, loved, or accepted.

And this my friends, is called ‘having a manual’.

When we’re in a relationship with someone we (subconsciously) have a manual for that person with rules about how they need to act and what they need to say in order for us to feel our desired emotions, whether it’s love, appreciation, or respect.

And we apply those manuals to all of our relationships, friends, partners, parents, or children.

We tell ourselves:
“If my husband remembers my birthday or buys me something I really want, then he loves me. If he doesn’t, then he clearly doesn’t love or understand me.”
“My mom or dad needs to tell me they’re proud of me or that they love me so I can feel appreciated and loved”
“My grown kids need to text me or spend time with me so I can feel appreciated and believe I’m a good parent.”

What do all these examples have in common?

We’re giving control of our feelings over to someone else.
The people we are entrusting our feelings to are living, breathing human beings with free will

That is not a winning formula.

I love my kids unconditionally and with all of my heart, as I’m sure most parents do.

Now, ask me how many times I’ve let my children down…the times I forgot an important date or something they were supposed to have for school, or didn’t buy the right toy at Christmas or their birthday. My kids are grown adults and I still let them down.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them, or value them above anything else!

It just means I’m human. I’ve never been perfect and I will never be.

So why is it we expect other people to be perfect, and to not disappoint us? To say and do everything the right way, otherwise, we can’t feel loved and appreciated?

The real reason we feel disappointed

Most of us blame our feelings of disappointment on someone else because they didn’t say or do something that they ‘should’ have.

But that’s not the real cause.

Our disappointment comes from expecting them to act differently than they did.

For not following our manual.

When I first met my late husband, Craig, what drew me to him was that he was the most easygoing, laid-back person I’d ever met. He could get along with anyone and rarely ever got upset.

After roughly ten years into our marriage, however, it was that same laid-back trait that I started resenting.

I became frustrated that he never had an opinion about what we did. He would always leave it up to me: “Whatever you want to do”, or “Whatever you think”.

Fast forward twenty-four years into our marriage, fourteen years after his diagnosis of primary progressive MS. By then he was confined to a bed and I had been caring for him for several years.

As his condition worsened I became more angry and resentful by the day. I felt like he wasn’t “trying hard enough” to care for himself, and that he was leaving all the work and decisions up to me. He was being too laid back.

My manual for him was that he needed to make more of an effort to care for himself so I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

I blamed my husband for my feelings. I was angry at him, at our situation, and at myself. I felt miserable and I was making everyone else around me miserable as well, including my husband and my kids.

A few months before my husband passed, when I began doing thought work, I finally saw what I was doing.

My husband wasn’t causing my anger and frustration.

It was my thought that he should be acting differently than he was.

That he should somehow be different than he had been in the almost thirty years of our relationship.

He should have taken control of the situation and been the one to make all the decisions and fight for a longer life.

The realization that I was angry at him for not following my unwritten, unexpressed manual was the most considerable relief I had gotten up to that point. My anger and resentment dissolved almost immediately.

Once I realized my husband was only being the same person he had always been, I could step back and look at our situation more objectively. I could understand he was doing the best he could and that he was only being the same person he had always been. The same person I fell in love with almost thirty years before.

By letting go of my manual for him, and how he “should” be handling his illness, I could let go of the manual I had for myself, for how I “should” also be handling it. I was able to give both of us grace and let go of my expectations. Each of us was handling the situation the best we could.

Losing my anger and resentment allowed room for the compassion, and also the grief that I had been stuffing down for that whole time.

Who are you holding a manual for?

If you grew up as a people-pleaser you probably have a manual for most of the relationships in your life. Sometimes it’s the only way we know how to connect with other people.

But I’d like to offer that you can let that manual go. It’s not serving you and it’s certainly not helping your relationships.

You will never get your mom to act how she’s never acted, or to (authentically) say what she’s never said.

You will never get your husband to do what he said he would do when he said he would do it if that’s not something he’s ever done.

You will never get your kids to act how you think they should act.

Trying to control our feelings by controlling other people just doesn’t work. Plus it’s exhausting.

Instead, learn to control what is within your power to control.

Look inside yourself. Get curious about why, why do you need someone else to act a certain way?

And what will you get to feel if they do?

Will you get to feel validated? Loved? Accepted?

My dear you don’t need someone else to make you feel that way, these are feelings you can give yourself – you can believe in yourself, you can validate yourself, and you can love and accept yourself.

That’s the work.

We are the only ones who can fill those buckets inside of ourselves, and it’s an option available to all of us, no matter where we’re starting from.

The more love and acceptance we have within us, the more we can share with those outside of us.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Discover What’s Possible

Emotional Independence: How to Let Go of External Validation and Own Your Feelings.

In other words, how to stop being a chameleon.

How it started

If you were a child that was raised in a volatile household you may have learned to adopt certain habits as a means of self-preservation…

Habits like trying to behave the right way, say the right things or even make yourself invisible in order to avoid unwanted, negative attention. The kind of attention that might result in anger, fear, or pain.

As children we obviously didn’t have the power to change our circumstances.

So instead, a lot of us became masters of changing our thoughts and our actions in order to avoid that negative attention, to avoid ‘rocking the boat’.

We learned how to think and act in order to control the only thing we thought we could – other people’s actions and emotions.

In the process, our brains developed an equation: Act the right way = achieve the desired result:

Be the good girl = feel seen.
Get good grades = receive positive attention and praise.
Make someone else happy = feel loved and appreciated in return.

Through years and years of that repetition we developed the belief that controlling other people’s emotions was the only way to control ours.

How it’s going

While these behaviors may have served us when we were kids, many of us are still holding onto them as adults.

How many of us as parents look to our kids for validation? While they’re young we want them to feel happy, “fit in”, or get good grades. Not just because we love them, but because we believe it means we’re good parents. If they seem happy and love us back then we’re “doing it right”.

And what about those of us whose children are grown and no longer live at home?

How many of us have had the thought “They’re not talking or texting me enough. They don’t want to spend time with me, which means they don’t love me. I did it wrong. I must have been a bad parent” –?

We apply that same thought process to our spouses and even our friends.
A lot of us also carry it into our jobs. We believe the more we do, the harder we hustle, the more appreciated we will be. And appreciation = validation, right? The feeling that we’re doing it right, that we’re worthy.

We’re repeatedly applying that same equation, that same thought error, to the people around us now, just as we did when we were kids, in the hopes that we’ll achieve the same results.

But what served us then does not serve us now.

How Do We Get to There?

Imagine if we no longer gave other people power over our feelings of self-worth.

What if we were the only ones responsible for how we felt and acted?

What if we were the only ones who could provide ourselves with feelings of worthiness and “enoughness”?

(Okay spoiler alert – we are. We totally are).

No one else can give us something that we are unwilling or unable to give ourselves.

No amount of external affirmation or validation, from anyone, could ever fill the void if our internal belief is that we’re not enough.

I am willing to die on that hill, my friends.

So how do we go about changing our internal dialogue? How do we turn off that negative belief of “not enoughness”?

I don’t believe that we should, or even could, ban negative thoughts completely. Mine have been running in the background of my primal brain for 50+ years, so that neural pathway is well-worn my friends. It’s become a part of who I am.

But we can develop new thought loops, new neural pathways (because, science). And, now that we’re adults, we get to choose those new thoughts.

On purpose.

I’m not talking about repeating daily affirmations about being worthy and enough (although I would highly recommend journaling them as part of the process).

I’m talking about taking a step back, looking at your current thoughts – without judgment – and just getting curious.

Discover the unintentional, negative thought loops that are running unchecked through your brain, thousands of times a day, and see how those thoughts are currently affecting your life:

Do you constantly second-guess everything you say and do?
Hustle all day to prove your self-worth?
Obsess over the reactions of others to determine what they might mean about you?

The thoughts running unchecked in my brain sound like this:

“I’m not good enough”
“I did that wrong”
“This isn’t going to work anyway so why try”

Instead of ignoring my unintentional thoughts and pretending they don’t exist, I try to choose a thought that makes me feel a little better, one that feels true in my body:

“I’ve gotten myself this far”
“What if there is no right or wrong way?” or “I can learn how to do it better next time”
“But what if it does work?” or “What if I just try it another way?”

And I won’t lie, it takes work and commitment to change the thoughts you’ve been holding on to for most of your life.

It takes looking at the unintentional/unwanted results you’ve achieved so far, and deciding to do something different going forward to achieve intentional results.

Intentional thoughts = intentional results.

The only thing holding you back from living your fullest life is your thoughts.

But I believe you can change that.

Because you are beautiful and you’re worthy of an incredible life.

We all are.

Discover what’s possible

It’s Time to Let Go of the Past

And start creating your present

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Recently I was talking to some women whose marriages ended unexpectedly because of spousal infidelity. In one case it was the woman who decided to end the relationship, and in other cases, it was the man.

Regardless, the pain they were going through was devastating.

Losing a spouse, whether by infidelity, death, or even choice, is one of the most difficult circumstances a family can go through,

What surprised me while talking with these women is that at least a couple of them had gone through their initial breakup YEARS ago, but the pain they were experiencing was as fresh as if the separation was happening in the present.

My own marriage ended when I lost my husband to multiple sclerosis, eight months before our 25th wedding anniversary.

His death wasn’t exactly unexpected, I knew I would eventually lose him to the disease, but that knowledge didn’t make the ending any easier.

And while losing my husband was hard enough, much like the women I mentioned above, I unknowingly added to my own pain by believing a single thought: “It wasn’t supposed to end like this.”

In my mind, probably like most women who get married, I had the rest of my life planned out. My husband and I were supposed to finish raising our three children, then retire to Oregon and live out our lives in rocking chairs on the porch. That’s just how it was supposed to be.

But there I was, twenty-four years into my marriage, two of our children still teenagers barely out of high school, and I was suddenly no longer married.

No one tells us that there’s no such thing as “supposed to” when it comes to our future, especially when it comes to our marriages. Growing up they only tell us “happily ever after”.

It Was Always Going to Happen That Way

I’m grateful that I found coaching during the hardest time of my husband’s illness.

When I brought up my “supposed to” thoughts to my coach, she gave me the most valuable piece of advice I had ever received: What if things were supposed to turn out that way? What if I was always going to lose my husband to MS 24 years into our marriage, I just didn’t know it?

None of us can see into the future, we have to take for granted that our lives will happen according to our plans.

So when something unexpected does happen, our brains naturally come up with thoughts like “This wasn’t supposed to happen”, or “This shouldn’t have happened”.

But believing that thought causes us to pile unnecessary pain on top of the necessary pain.

I can stay angry that I lost my husband too soon, and we can stay angry at that person who hurt us in the past for as long as we want. We can hold on to it forever even, that’s totally our choice.

But let’s look at that progression:

We hold on to the feelings of anger and resentment towards the person or thing that wronged us.
While we’re in that feeling of anger or resentment, what actions are we taking? Are we eating too much? Drinking too much? Overconsuming TV, or shopping? Are we taking that anger out on the people or things around us, withdrawing from friends, or avoiding other possible relationships because “what if it happens again?” Are we seeking validation from others by re-telling and re-living the past?
And when we’re taking those actions…aren’t we the ones hurting ourselves now?

I would like to offer that it’s causing you unnecessary pain in the present.

Now I’m not suggesting that we should minimize or ignore past trauma. It should be effectively processed, with a professional’s help if necessary, and time needs to be allowed for grieving and processing through that pain. What I am suggesting is that there’s also a time to heal from the past, then let go of it and start living our lives in the present.

And we can start by recognizing the old, painful thought, and choosing a new one.

We don’t need to go straight to the land of rainbows and unicorns, just find a slightly more helpful, but believable thought.

A more helpful one could be: I didn’t choose this, but I do get to choose what I want to do now.

Or: I may have been hurt in the past, but I can be the one who treats myself with love and respect right now.

Being a widow was my new reality, regardless of how or why it happened (which I would never get an answer for anyway). I never wanted it to happen, and I didn’t have to like it, but it was something I would have to learn to live with.

Moving On

So instead of focusing on the past I can focus on my present and ask a more productive question: “Here we are, so how will I choose to handle it?”

That question gives our brain a far more productive problem to solve.

Since change begins with just a thought, you get to consciously decide what you want your next thought to be.

And here’s where our primal brain will get tricky… Living in the past may be causing us pain, but it’s familiar, so our primal brain will try to balk at the idea of changing it because change is scary, and the unknown (future) is even scarier.

Our brain will tell us that staying stuck in the past is somehow safer than venturing out into the uncertainty of “what’s next”.

But that’s a lie.

So, we can thank our primal brain for trying to keep us safe, then disregard it and instead switch to our prefrontal cortex — the thinking, logical side of our brain. And we can ask it a better question: How can I move my focus to the present? How can I start taking care of myself, right now? What would that look like?

That validation we’re looking for from the past, we can give that to ourselves, right now.

We can acknowledge our “factual” reality (a death, or separation)
Allow that we were hurt
Give ourselves the love and grace that we can’t get from anyone, or anything, outside of ourselves.
Decide to no longer allow our past circumstances to define who we are now.

Part of the fear of moving on might be that we think we don’t know who to be without that person, or without that relationship. But each of us is a whole, worthy, unique person. We were a viable human being before that relationship, and we are just as viable afterward.

And we’re also stronger for having gone through it.

So stop focusing on the past. It doesn’t serve you.

Start focusing on who you want to be, now. On what you want to give yourself, now. Don’t miss out on the incredible life you can start building for yourself.

Discover What’s Possible.

Three Lies My Brain Tells Me Everyday

And How I Manage My Mind Around Them

My alarm goes off at 4:15 a.m.

I look at my phone screen and have to make the dreaded decision – “off”, or “snooze”?

I know what “off” will mean. It will mean falling back asleep and missing my 5 a.m. CrossFit class.

“Snooze” means I can delay that decision for another 10 minutes, but I will ultimately still have to decide.

Meanwhile…outside it’s cold and dark, and I’m inside under my king-sized comforter with my little terrier, Sam, snuggled beside me.

And so the battle begins.

Brain Lie No. 1 – This is Too Hard

Of course I don’t want to get up at 4 a.m. to go to the gym, even though I’m the one that set my alarm and literally labeled it: “Get up and go to the gym”.

My brain tries to convince me:
It’s too cold outside
It would be easier to stay in bed
It would be easier not to put myself through a workout

And I get it (primal) brain, you’re just trying to keep me safe, comfortable, and in the cave.

But I try to give my (prefrontal) brain the chance to rally back:

“That’s true, all of those things would be easier, but would those actions get me the results I want?”

Stronger
Healthier
More fit
Connected to a community of like-minded people

Will “easier” challenge me to move forward towards the goals I’ve set for my life?

(Then I also remember those cute leggings I bought and planned on wearing today – never discount external retail motivation).

I throw back the covers and get moving.

Big Brain Lie No. 2 – This Won’t Work Anyway, Why Bother?

My brain loves to pull this one out of its virtual back pocket anytime I want to do something creative, like write this blog post, create a post on Instagram, or develop my elevator pitch.

And it goes a little something like this:

I’ve tried this before and it didn’t work
No one else cares if I do this or not
No one will like it anyway

All of which adds up to = why bother?

Rally brain: You may be right, it may not work…

But what if it does?
What if my message reaches just one person?
What if my message HELPS just one person?
What if creating this makes me better at creating?

That’s usually enough to get me to pick up a pen and start writing, or pick up my phone and start posting.

Big Brain Lie No. 3 – aka THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL – What if I’m Not Good Enough?

This lie needs no introduction.

In fact, if I were a gambling woman, I would wager (for some reason I hear that in the voice of Captain Jack Sparrow), that half of you reading this right now would also have this as your Biggest Lie of All.

It’s the belief underlying most of my inaction.

This lie usually comes from what we learned to believe about ourselves while we were growing up (which is a whole other blog post in itself, so stay tuned).

But let’s give equal airtime to what could also be true:

How AM I already good enough?
How AM I already capable of doing hard things?
How AM I already capable of evolving into a better version of myself?

You don’t need to make your brain do a complete 180 and go from “I’m not good enough” to “I am good enough”, because it won’t stick if you don’t believe it.

Just pick a 10% better thought:

I have already evolved this far
I have gotten myself through x, y, and z, and I can get myself through this
I know so much more today than I did a year or six months ago

And then ask your brain to find evidence of those truths…did you learn to ride a bike? Drive a car? Start a new job? Raise a child?

I guarantee your brain will find the evidence of the positive if you tell it to.

We all have negative thoughts.

But we don’t have to believe or accept them.

We can ALWAYS choose to rally.

My unhelpful thoughts will always be a part of who I am. And on some days I may not rally. I may decide to sleep in or put off writing that blog post or creating that IG reel. And that’s okay.

But repeating those actions will not get me the results I want for my life.

I want a full life. I want to see what’s possible. I want to see what I am capable of achieving, and who I am capable of becoming.

And I chose to manage my brain in order to get there.

Who’s with me?