The Day I Walked Away at the DMV — and What It Taught Me About My Fear of Confrontation in Midlife

by Vicki Pike

After dragging my feet for weeks, I finally went into the DMV to transfer the title on my car.

My paperwork had already been submitted and approved online, and the instructions said I could either mail them in (mail an original pink-slip? I don’t think so), or bring them in to an office.

I chose the latter.

When I arrived at the DMV that afternoon I was in luck, there were maybe 3 people in the waiting room, and no one in line.

I was called up to the window and handed my paperwork to the DMV representative, letting them know what I needed. They took it without looking up from their computer.

My expectation was they would confirm the originals, enter everything into the system, and I would walk away feeling accomplished. In my mind it was already done.

But I could tell right away that wasn’t going to be the case. My confidence took an immediate dive.

After flipping through a few of the pages the rep asked “Didn’t they say to mail the originals?”

I said “Yes, that was one of the options. The other was to submit them in person”.

They rep didn’t respond, and instead continued to flip through the paperwork. Still not looking at me.

I sensed they were less than thrilled.

After a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, I heard myself say “So, would it just be better to go home and mail in the originals?”.

“Yes, that would be better” they said, eagerly handing back all of my paperwork and returning to their computer screen. I could practically feel their relief.

I actually THANKED THEM, then turned around and went home. Paperwork still in hand. Mission still not accomplished. Self-confidence tanked.

On my way home I told myself that it was easier to just leave…that I was “keeping the peace”, and avoiding the hassle of standing around and waiting for them to file the paperwork.

But those were lies.

In truth, I left to avoid confrontation.

It felt ‘safer’ to shut down and walk away, than to risk the potential reaction of speaking up for myself.

After all, what if I was wrong? What if they got upset with me?

What if they didn’t like me?

It was fear, and the uncertainty of another person’s reaction, that made me abandon my purpose.

And it wasn’t the first time.

THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOOK

From a young age I’ve believed that confrontation was scary and unpredictable. I never knew when one innocent sentence or action from me could provoke someone else to anger, or worse.

Not always, but often enough.

As a result I became an expert at people-pleasing and reading the room, I knew when to back down and stay quiet.

I also learned that I could sometimes influence another person’s reactions by my words and demeanor. The less confrontational I was, the better the chance I had of avoiding fear, or pain (and maybe even the risk of rejection?).

But I’m in my fifties now.

And after many years (and thousands of dollars) of coaching and self-help discovery, I’ve come to understand myself much better – what drives my actions and causes my results – and I’ve gained a confidence in myself that I’ve never had before.

But this.

My fear of confrontation still lurks beneath the surface.

It’s why I put off going to the DMV for weeks in the first place.

It’s why I put off responding to my apartment manager after they over-charged me hundreds of dollars in “repairs” that were not my responsibility.

It’s why I stay in relationships long after it’s time to leave.

It may feel safer to stay small, and quiet, and not speak up for myself in the simplest of ways, but it doesn’t serve me in the long run.

It keeps me stuck, and unproductive.

And I’ve come too far in my life to feel like that anymore.

What I want to feel is confident and empowered. I want to be respectful to others, but also respectful to myself, and speak up for what I want.

CHANGING THE NARRATIVE

The truth is, I don’t know what the DMV rep was thinking. I don’t know their reason for not wanting to process my paperwork…maybe they were already late for their lunch break? Maybe they were short-handed and no one else knew how to enter everything into the system?

Maybe, it had nothing to do with me.

The bottom line is: how someone else acts isn’t within my control.

How I react, is.

Normally, when I sense a possible confrontation, my nervous systems prickles up. …I become flushed and anxious, triggered into an instant fight or flight response.

But it’s just a conversation. Just words.

Nothing has gone wrong, and I know I’m capable of reasonable thought.

Instead of giving into fight or flight, what I might have done instead was stay present, take a deep breath, have patience, and trust myself.

I could have suggested taking a number and waiting in the lobby until someone else could help me. Or politely point out the case number on the paperwork to let them know that everything was already approved and just had to submit the originals under that case number.

I could have put more effort into standing up for myself, instead of walking away to “keep the peace”, while secretly feeling like I had been rejected.

The truth is I rejected myself first by not even trying.

But that doesn’t have to be the case anymore. I’m aware now of why I feel what I feel. And the next time I feel my fight or flight response starts to prickle up, I can recognize it, take a breath, and change my reaction.

In doing so, I change my own narrative.

And so can you.

We deserve to stand up for ourselves, and have our own back.

And when we start taking ourselves seriously, others will do the same.

Discover What’s Possible

Confidence, Self-Esteem, and the Missing Piece: Inner Authority

Photo by Jordan Donaldson | @jordi.d on Unsplash

I typically write about self-confidence – what it means and how we can build more of it.

But this week during a Google search I came across the word ‘self-esteem’. Of course I’ve heard the term a thousand times, but I always assumed that self-esteem and self-confidence were the same thing. So I got curious and started digging.

Turns out they’re not.

Self-confidence = trusting in one’s skills or abilities.

Self-esteem = a sense of one’s own worthiness as a person.

Seems simple enough? But I felt like there was something in between that was missing. So I decided to pursue it further (yes, because I’m that kind of nerd).

Let me give you a recent example from my own life.

I started drumming in my 40’s. I’m self-taught and obviously don’t have the skills (yet) of someone who has been playing their whole lives. But I have confidence in my skills because I can already play at a certain level, which gives me a personal “proof of concept”.

And, even though I trust my skill level, performing in front of people still requires self–esteem to believe I’m good enough, or worthy enough, to occupy a space on stage with other musicians.

Here’s where I encountered the gap between the two:

Last weekend I had the opportunity to hang out downtown with my friend Michael, who I rarely get to see. He had been invited to a “front porch jam”, and thought I might be interested.

In case you’re not familiar: a front porch jam is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of guys (mostly guys) set up various instruments on someone’s front porch, and play music together. This particular house stood about one story above the sidewalk at the entrance of a cul-de-sac. By mid-afternoon, there were more than 100 people on the street and sidewalks watching the musicians play. Lawn chairs, coolers, and adult beverages were in full force.

At this jam, the hosting band played some of their songs first. After they finished, they invited other musicians to come up and play.

I hesitated for just a second, then my friend nudged me, so I raised my hand. The band leader waived me up.

I climbed up the stairs and sat down at the kit.

Every drummer has their own kit that they’re used to, so this one was foreign to me. One of the cymbals was set up so high I had to extend my arm up almost fully to reach it (I’m 4 ’11, so basically child-sized).

Jams are spontaneous, so we didn’t talk about what we were going to play. Normally, the guitar or bass player plays some notes, or a ‘riff’, and everyone else follows. I listen for a rhythm and do my best to fill in the drums. I also try to pay attention to the bass player because we need to be in step as the rhythm section.

I had no idea if I could play with these guys that I’d never met before, I just knew I couldn’t overthink it because my nerves would take over and my playing might fall apart.

So I took a breath and just told myself that, no matter what, I would figure it out.

And I did.

I held the beat, added a few drum fills when it sounded right, and mostly just stayed on lock with the rest of the band. The guitar players took turns playing their solos (if you know, you know), and I hung in there with the drums.

Once I felt like I knew what I was doing I looked down at the crowd and noticed several people smiling, nodding along, and taking videos of us on their phones. I knew we sounded good.

It was the only song I got to play – the original drummer was anxious to reclaim his throne – but as I started walking downstairs, each of the guys in the band smiled and shook my hand. The lead singer introduced himself, asked my name, and said he hoped I’d be back (like I’d be able to stay away after that!).

As I walked back down to Michael, I felt amazing. Like I had crossed an invisible line I hadn’t known I was there.

Later that night I was thinking about what that moment came down to. Was it confidence? Was it self-esteem?

I was confident enough to believe I could hold my own with the other musicians. But I wasn’t thinking about being “good enough” to be on stage with strangers. The thought that pushed me forward was: “Whatever happens I know I’ll figure it out”.

It didn’t feel like pure confidence, but it didn’t feel like self-esteem either.

It felt like something in between – an inner authority.

Like a grounded, internal permission to trust who I am and that, no matter what, I’ll land on my feet. I can adapt and move forward, whatever the situation.

I’m a firm believer that our feelings, actions, and results, are all determined by one thing – our thoughts. We have a thought, which causes a feeling that drives our actions. And it’s our actions that create our ultimate result(s). In everything.

So whether it’s confidence, self-esteem, inner authority — they all begin with a thought.

“I believe in my skills.”
“I believe I’m worthy.”
“I’ll figure it out.”

It’s our thoughts that carry us forward to our results.

And the good news is, thoughts aren’t written in stone. They can be changed. And we can choose our new thoughts with intention.

Because in the end, the way we think about ourselves is what lifts us up — or holds us back. And that’s not something we should leave to chance.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S.: If you’re ready to build real self-confidence, deepen your self-worth, and trust yourself in the moments that matter — let’s talk. This is the work I do with clients every day, and I’d love to help you find your own inner authority.

Life Isn’t Fair—But You Can Still Create Your Own Happiness

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

If life were truly fair, many of us would be in trouble.

Have you ever secretly envied someone because they have more than you? More money, a
nicer house or car, a better body, or a better job?

Most of us probably have, because we’re human and have access to the internet.

The reality is, for everything in our lives that we feel isn’t good enough, someone else has even less. Just take a look around…you can always find someone else who has less money, no house or car, or a disability.

So do we really wish life was fair?

It’s About Us, Not Them

When we say “life isn’t fair”, what we really mean is “I should have more than I do”.

That type of thinking comes from our own scarcity mindset, and it keeps us from creating the happiness we think we’re missing.

For example:

Thought:
“That’s not fair.”

Feelings We Generate From That Thought:

Anger
Resentment
Self-pity

Actions We Might Take When Feeling Those Feelings:

Indulge in negative emotions
Shut down or withdrawal
Seek more evidence that life isn’t fair

Here’s What We’re Not Doing While Stuck in Those Feelings:

Taking care of ourselves or our mental health
Looking for ways to improve our situation
Appreciating what we do have

The Result:
We’re the ones being unfair to ourselves.

The reason we focus so much attention on someone else’s situation is that taking responsibility for our own circumstances feels so much harder (it actually isn’t), but it’s the work we need to do if we want to be truly happy.

We Create Our Own Happiness

Happiness is within our power to create.

Looking outward isn’t the answer.

What someone else has or doesn’t have is irrelevant to our situation. It’s not their life that’s causing us pain, it’s our thoughts about their life. And thoughts can be changed.

The first step to creating our own happiness is recognizing when we’re in a scarcity mindset.

Most of us have had negative mindsets running on autopilot in our brains for years (yours truly included), but it is possible to change that.

We need to recognize when we’re choosing negative thoughts, and intentionally choose a thought that feels better in our bodies. Instead of the default thought “I don’t have enough”, which feels horrible, try something that feels more neutral such as “This is what I have right now”, “This is just my starting point”.

It’s a matter of re-training our brains. When we find our brain reverting back to the scarcity thoughts, gently re-direct it to the new thoughts we’re trying to cultivate. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Second, get to work. Write a list of what you have in your life that is enough. It could be “I have a job”, “I have a roof over my head”, “I have a body that has accomplished ‘x’”, or “I have family and friends that I love, and who love me”.

Try to come up with at least as many positive aspects of your life as your perceived negative ones.

Third, and most importantly, work on improving your relationship with yourself.

You have enough.

You are enough.

Give yourself credit for everything in your life you’ve accomplished and built so far, no matter how big or small. Look at all you’ve created, what you’ve accomplished, and ways you’ve helped other people.

Your old, negative thoughts have occupied your brain for years if not decades, so be patient, we won’t adopt new thoughts overnight. For the best results, write them in a journal every day to remind yourself of the intentional thoughts you’re choosing to think now.

Using our perception of other people’s lives to beat ourselves up doesn’t serve us. It may feel easier now, but it only holds us down in the long run, and prevents us from creating our own happiness.

Instead of focusing on how unfair the world is to us, we need to focus on how unfair we are to ourselves.

That’s where we need to start.

I love you, and I believe in you.

Discover What’s Possible

You Can’t Get a Positive Result From a Negative Emotion

Stop trying to shame yourself into success

Photo by Man Chung on Unsplash

When was the last time you celebrated yourself after a failure?

Or gave yourself a pat on the back when you didn’t achieve your goal?

I know it sounds counterintuitive…doesn’t rewarding failure only encourage more failure?

Maybe you’ve set a goal to go to the gym 3 days a week, but only made it once.

Or you promised yourself you wouldn’t eat that cupcake during the office party, only to find yourself holding the empty wrapper without remembering having picked it up in the first place.

Once we’ve determined we “failed” everything else is downhill…we mentally beat ourselves up with our familiar, negative thought loops:

“I knew this wouldn’t work”

“I’ll never lose the weight”

“I can’t do this”

“Why do I even try”

“I’ll never be good enough”

Those thoughts leave us feeling dejected.

When we feel dejected we start to avoid and procrastinate. We double up on overconsumption because, why not? We’ve already screwed up, we might as well go all in.

The result is our efforts DO fail, just like we knew they would, and we end up building more evidence for all of the negative thoughts we were thinking in the first place.

We will never get a positive result from a negative thought.

Some of us might be able to shame ourselves into a few small successes, but I can promise you the journey won’t be enjoyable, which means it won’t be sustainable.

Mentally beating ourselves up keeps us stuck in the same negative thought loop–behavior that got us to where we are right now, with the unwanted results of overeating, over-drinking, or overconsuming.

We cannot shame ourselves into success.

In order to achieve the results we want, we need to become the person who can achieve those results.

In order to become that person who achieves those results we need to change our current (negative) thought patterns. We have to manage our minds to become the person who achieves those results.

–No more beating yourself up.

–No more focusing on past failures to determine your future result.

Who you were in the past does not dictate who you are capable of becoming.

Is your goal to lose weight? Eat better? Get healthy? Then figure out what steps a successful person would do to reach that goal, and do them.

Make sure to include a plan for what will happen on the days you ‘fail’ to execute those steps.

If getting up at 5 am every day to go to the gym isn’t realistic, then try 3 days at 6 am. Or set a goal to start walking every Saturday morning. Be creative, what would be a winning formula to help you get closer to your goal? Figure out those steps then plug them into that formula.

Think of it as math, not drama.

Then, celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Give yourself love and grace on the days you fall short because at least you’re trying. Then get up and get after it again the next day, because that’s what a successful person would do.

Think of the steps in your formula as non-negotiable. You need to commit to showing up, not just for your current self, but your future self. The future you who has already achieved that goal already exists, and she is waiting for you at the finish line.

The only true failure is quitting. Everything else is just a learning curve.

Celebrate yourself for trying, for committing to your future self, and know that you’re one step closer to becoming the future you that achieves your goal.

Manage your mind, to manage your results.

Discover What’s Possible

It’s Like Spring Cleaning, But For Your Brain

Photo by Leohoho on Unsplash

It’s Like Spring Cleaning – But For Your Brain

Here in California, we’re beginning to have faith that spring is on the way…the temps are beginning to inch upwards and we’re seeing fewer and fewer rainy days (contrary to popular belief it does rain in California).

It’s the one time of year I actually feel inspired to clean my apartment.

I get to open windows, let fresh air in, clean out cobwebs, put away heavy things, and shine light into dark corners.

So that got me thinking – spring cleaning our homes is “normal”, like a tradition.

But what if we applied that same tradition to our brains?

Might sound weird I know, but stay with me.

Throughout the Fall and Winter, we’ve endured cold, rain, sometimes snow, and fewer hours of sunlight. We’ve closed our homes and covered ourselves in layers of blankets and warm clothing.

We’re mammals so hibernating is in our DNA, we’re conserving energy. But it can also cause things like seasonal depression and eating habits that result in extra weight. Just like our homes need an airing–out and a refresh to wake everything up, so do our brains.

So what might that look like?

For myself, it looks like getting the sun on my face as soon, and as often, as possible. Going outside for a walk, journaling with the windows and doors open.

It looks like shining a light on the negative thoughts that tend to harbor in the corners of my mind, the ones that have built up during the colder, darker days.

In order to shine a light on those negative thoughts, we first need to find and acknowledge them.

For me, that’s journaling.

I don’t do anything fancy. There’s no expensive, color-coded, store–bought journal. I just grab a plain notebook and a pen, and get all my thoughts out of my brain and onto paper.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I write it all down, with NO judgment. We’re all human, we all have ugly thoughts. But thoughts are optional, just because we have one doesn’t mean we need to agree with it, and we definitely don’t need to keep it. We can just write it down, and let it go.

Many of us have negative thought loops that play on automatic repeat in our heads unchecked:

I’m not as smart as other people
I’m too much
I’m not enough
I’m too different

We’re been thinking these thoughts for so long we’ve accepted them as facts.

But that’s a lie.

They’re just thoughts. And thoughts are optional.

We can change them, we just have to decide to put in the work.

By work, I mean take a few minutes to LOOK at those thoughts and figure out which ones are hurting you. Write them down, and bring them into the light of day so they can no longer hide in your subconscious.

Note that they are just thoughts, and then choose whether or not you want to keep them.

But that doesn’t mean we can just change a negative thought to another, completely opposite thought. We can’t go from “I’m not enough” to “I’m amazing” because of a little thing called cognitive dissonance. Our brains won’t believe it so it will never stick.

Pick a thought that’s just slightly better than the previous thought.

“I’m not enough” could be “I am capable at some things” (then list at least five)

“I’m too fat” could be “My hair looks good today”, “I like my eyes”, or “I have a strong, capable body”.

Then practice that new, intentional thought. Write it down every day to remind yourself that this is the thought you’re deciding to think from now on. Give it just as much air time as you were giving your previous, unwanted thought.

Let go of the negative thoughts that have been hidden under layers of heaviness. Clean out your mental cobwebs, put away heavy things, shine light into the dark corners, and let the fresh thoughts in.

This spring, while you’re opening up and refreshing your space, remember to let some light and air into your brain as well.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S. Speaking of spring, I’m opening up my coaching to new clients starting in April of 2024. If it’s something you’re interested in or want to know more about, just email me or reach out to me on all the Socials, I’d be happy to chat with you!

Are You Still Choosing To Believe The Worst About Yourself?

(You can stop that now)

Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

When I was around 14 years old I shared a room with my sister. It wasn’t a big room but I enjoyed moving my bed and dresser around just to change things up whenever I got bored with the layout. The bed was heavy so it took a lot of shoving, pushing, and pulling to get it where I wanted, but it was always worth the effort.

One time I had spent most of the day rearranging my bed at the far end of the room, closer to the window, which gave me more space in the middle of the room. It was cozier, and I was happy with it.

When I was done I opened the bedroom door to proudly show my parents what I had accomplished.

My mom nodded and said it looked okay. My dad pointed out that I was blocking the heat from the baseboards because my bed was too close to it. I hadn’t noticed that but I said I was okay with it. We argued back and forth for a minute, and I don’t remember what else was said exactly, but our conversation ended with my dad yelling “Dummy!” at me before storming back down the hallway.

At the time I had a chip on my shoulder so I didn’t think anything my dad could say would bother me.

But my dad telling me I was dumb did bother me. It bothered me so much that I spent the next 40 years trying to prove him wrong, even though I secretly believed he was right.

I think I doubted my intelligence long before that moment, and my dad’s words just confirmed the thoughts I already had.

My brain was very good at providing evidence to back up my belief. I consistently got A’s in advanced English, and A’s and B’s in advanced biology, but those were easy to dismiss.

It’s the D’s and F’s I received in math class – everything from basic algebra to geometry – that my brain focused on. I would see “everyone else” around me (and by everyone I mean the 2 or 3 people who were good at math) answering questions like it all made perfect sense to them. Meanwhile, I stared at the jumble of numbers and symbols on my paper, holding back tears, because none of it made any sense to me and I was too embarrassed to ask for help.

I chose the smallest sample of what my brain had to offer and used it as evidence to prove my thought, and my dad’s words, that I was, indeed, dumb.

But why? Why do so many of us choose to believe the worst about ourselves?

Thinking back now it might have been that I was afraid of being smart. According to my primal brain smart people stood out. Parents and teachers expected things from them. If I wasn’t smart I didn’t have that kind of responsibility, no one would expect anything from me, and I could blend in and not get noticed.

Whatever the reason, I spent the majority of my life hiding, playing small, and not believing in myself. I never took the time to learn who I was and what I was capable of, so I was left with believing another person’s opinion of me.

Here’s the reality – negative words are just words, they only hurt when part of us believes them to be true.

Are you also believing – and finding validation for – something negative about yourself, and using select, outside opinions to confirm your internal bias? Have you been hiding and playing small, for whatever reason?

If you are, I can promise it isn’t serving you. And it isn’t serving the people around you who love you.

No one else is like you…no one before you was, and no one after you will be. You are, and will always be the only amazing, beautiful, unique, you. You deserve to know yourself and to share your true self with your loved ones around you.

You deserve to discover how capable you truly are, decide what you want and who you want to be, and then go out and create it.

Artist, writer, dancer, architect, investor, lawyer, teacher, it’s all open to you.

Discover What’s Possible.

P.S. If any of this resonates with you – I can help! Let’s connect and let me show you how to discover who you are and how to create your full, intentional life.

Your Thoughts Are Not Facts

Learn how to tell the difference

Photo by Andrew George on Unsplash

Many of us mistake our thoughts for actual facts:

“I’ll never make that much money” (thought).

“I’m fat” (thought).

When we believe those thoughts to be true, we feel locked into our current circumstances:

“I’ll never make that much money” = “I’ll always be struggling financially”.

“I’m fat” = “I’ll never lose weight”.

But thoughts are not facts. They’re negative thought loops in our brains that we’ve believed for so long that they feel true in our bodies.

My own go-to thought is “I’m not good enough” = “Life will always be like this”.

It’s one of the top 3 lies my brain tells me every day.

The trick is to notice these negative thought loops and question them.

How might that thought not be true?

If you could make more money, how might you do it?

What could you do for yourself to make losing weight easily obtainable?

How might I already be good enough? How am I even defining “good enough”?

Recognize the difference between a thought and a fact.

Question the thought, is it serving you?

If not, change it.

You can learn to manage your thoughts.

Discover What’s Possible.

We’re Still Looking for That A+

But who’s doing the grading now?

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

When I was a kid I sucked at math.

I mean really sucked. Like, never–made–eye–contact, left–the–class–in–tears, had–to–cheat–my–way–to–a–D–in–geometry kind of sucked.

By the 6th grade, I had convinced myself that I wasn’t smart enough to understand math and I never would be.

Not only had I accepted that as a fact (instead of just a thought), I also made it mean that I wasn’t as smart as everyone else who did understand math, in spite of the consistent A’s I had been getting in English and biology.

Walking into algebra class every day with the belief that I wasn’t as smart as everyone else did not set me up for success. I felt defeated, resentful, and angry, and as a result, I resisted the instruction and blocked myself from even trying to understand it. It was a cycle that I perpetuated throughout high school.

When we were kids we had someone outside of ourselves constantly judging or grading us…teachers, parents, or family figures. I understand their jobs were to teach us, but as kids, it was difficult to separate the grades we were given on paper (or verbally) from our worth as a person. A’s = (We were) Good. B’s = (We were) Okay. C’s = (We were) Average (but more like less-than). D’s = (We were) Bad. F = (We were a) Failure.

It was cut and dry. It said right there on the paper – you were good enough, or you weren’t.

What are you still grading yourself on?

It took me a long time to challenge the belief that I was dumb when it came to math.

Some math makes sense to me now, especially as it applies to things I’m actually interested in. I began to understand basic fractions when I started baking, and I discovered that I was fascinated with physics when I started studying exercise science (Power = Work/Time, Work = Force x Distance).

As kids we were raised believing that the Power of Approval needs to come from outside of ourselves – teachers, parents, and authority figures, because we had no power of our own back then.

But many of us are still living our lives in pursuit of that external A+.

Only now we’re giving the Power of Approval to our bosses, our spouses, and even our own kids.

And that’s because we never learned that we could transition into creating our own approval.

What’s your current “math class”? Where are you giving yourself a ‘D’ or an ‘F’?

Losing weight?

Stopping overdrinking?

Going for that new job?

How does the grade you’re giving yourself make you feel?

Afraid?

Less than?

Defeated?

What actions do you take when you’re feeling that way? Do you avoid? Overeat? Overdrink?

What are the unwanted results of those actions?

If choose to believe that we’re not good enough at something our brains will be happy to produce plenty of evidence that the thought is true. That’s our brain’s job. It’s trying to keep us safe by protecting us from disappointment.

But what if we challenge that negative belief? What if we chose to believe something different, to believe “Maybe this IS possible for me?” What if we just need to figure out another way that makes sense to us?

Maybe if someone had taught me basic math in a cooking class I would have understood it and had the confidence to go on and learn even more. Instead, there was one person teaching it one way and my not understanding it led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough.

You Control the Gradebook Now

It’s time to stop grading yourself on a pass/fail basis, and start grading on a (GENEROUS) curve.

Life is not an exam, it’s a learning experience. There are no fill-in-the-blank, black-and-white answers.

And you’re not doing it wrong.

Get curious. Instead of focusing on what hasn’t worked in the past, ask your brain questions that will move you to future-forward action:

What if you could figure out how to stop overeating, overdrinking, or overconsuming? What way might look right for you?

What thoughts do YOU need to think, and what questions could you ask your brain, that would help you move forward towards that goal, instead of focusing on past evidence of what hasn’t worked?

Take some time, right now, to acknowledge what has worked for you in the past and everywhere you have succeeded. Give yourself ALL the credit for getting where you are and achieving what you have.

All of us have the knowledge and the power to teach ourselves anything we want to now, it’s no longer dependent on anyone outside of us. We control the grade book.

We just need to get curious and start asking good questions: What do I want to do next? What would success at that look like? And what might be the next right step to getting there?

You have everything you need right now. You’re good enough to start, right now. You can – and you will – figure out the rest as you go.

Discover what’s possible.

How to Feel Like You Belong

(Hint: It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you)

Photo by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash

When was the last time you felt accepted, like you truly belonged?

Would you feel comfortable going into a room full of strangers and hanging out by yourself?

I can say I would, but not for the reasons you might think.

It’s definitely not because I thrive in that type of environment (um, HELL no). In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I could do it because I’m a professional at making myself invisible in a crowd. I mean like Houdini-level disappearing.

It’s a trait I learned early, out of necessity.

When I was a teenager my family moved around a lot, I went to 3 different high schools in 4 years. And trust me, if there was one place I definitely didn’t want to stand out as an awkward teenager, it was high school.

Fortunately for me, I’m 4’11 so all I had to do to was keep my head down, hover on the outskirts of large groups, and avoid eye contact. I could go all day without anyone even noticing I was around.

(That sounded a lot less sad when it was just in my head).

Anyway, to say I felt like I didn’t belong would be an understatement. As far as my brain was concerned it was a concrete fact.

Looking back it’s easy to see how my lifelong pattern of not belonging was developed:

I didn’t believe I would be accepted so I acted small and invisible to avoid attention
By avoiding attention (and thereby, connection) I made sure I was by myself all the time
Being by myself all the time guaranteed that I wouldn’t fit in, which proved my belief that I didn’t belong

See what my brain did there?

I used to think hiding and playing small served me. And maybe it did when I was younger, in unfamiliar surroundings with no knowledge of how to protect myself. I wasn’t able to make choices for myself back then so naturally I felt powerless.

And I know my brain was just trying to keep me safe by convincing me to stay hidden.

But now I’m a 55-year-old adult woman, and I am no longer powerless. I get to make decisions about where I live and how I decide to show up. I get to choose what circumstances I put myself into and which ones don’t serve me or my goals.

But changing old patterns and beliefs definitely isn’t easy, they don’t go away just because we grow up.

One of the things we need to learn as adults (and that I continue to work on) is how the feeling of acceptance and belonging doesn’t come from circumstances outside of ourselves.

In the case of me as a teenager, it was my thought “I don’t belong” that lead me to feel like I didn’t belong, which made me act like I didn’t belong, which lead me to “un-belonging myself”, if you follow.

It’s the same for us as adults.

If we show up believing that we don’t belong, that we’re somehow less than the other people around us — at a job, the gym, or a party — then how do we act? And what will be our end result because of those actions?

Our belief in ourselves has to come from ourselves. The call needs to come from inside the house, as they say.

No one can make us feel accepted, or unaccepted, it comes from our beliefs first.

“Our sense of belonging will never be greater than our own self-acceptance”

-Brooke Castillo

We can decide ahead of time to accept ourselves and “belong” ourselves, no matter what happens outside of us.

It takes practice, but I’m willing to do it.

And you can too, I promise.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S.

I hear from a lot of women over 50 who want to make friends but don’t know quite how to get started, so I created a free pdf “3 Simple Ways to Make Friends in Your 50s”. You can grab yours here https://skilled-trader-6387.ck.page/eff75275a1

On a Scale of 1-10, How Would You Rate the Quality of Your Life, Right Now?

How you can improve the quality of your life if you do this one thing – and it won’t cost you a penny.

Photo by Marc Najera on Unsplash

We might be familiar with the term “quality of life” as it relates to someone who may be elderly or ill. I know it came up often when my husband was nearing the end of his battle with MS.

But we sometimes forget that every living person has a quality of life…whether good, bad, so–so, or awesome.

So how would you rate the quality of your life, right now…do you have what you want? Do you want what you have? Are you happy where you are at this stage of your life?

Rate each of the following statements on a scale of 1-10, 10 being best:

You’re happy with the material items you have and you don’t want more (clothes, car, house, electronics)

You’re doing what you want to day–to–day (job, routine)

Overall, you’re happy with where you are in life (physically, financially, living situation)

You’re happy with your relationships (spouse, partner, relatives)

Now total your score…was it a 20, or above? Was it average, or below?

Are you satisfied with your score, or do you think it could be better? Do you WANT it to be better?

Many of us grew up believing, and still believe, that our circumstances create our feelings —if we could just get that job, house, car, or person, then we could finally be happy (advertisers spend billions of dollars every year to keep that belief alive and well).

But what if the opposite were true?

What if we need to be happy first in order to create that desired job, house, car, or relationship?

Here’s an example:

I used to live in a big, bright, 2-bedroom apartment in an expensive, urban neighborhood that I thought I could afford.

It lasted about a year and a half before I had to admit that, mathematically, I actually COULDN’T afford it.

The apartment had a full garage, big, bright windows, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, and an in-apartment washer and dryer (industrial size–be still my heart).

The new apartment I chose had one bedroom, one tiny bathroom, no dishwasher, no in-unit washer and dryer, and on-street parking only. Also, being in the city, had a much higher propensity for crime.

BUT, it was also about $700 cheaper a month.

If I had decided to leave my fancy apartment based on thoughts like “I have to leave”, “This isn’t fair”, “This place shouldn’t cost so much”, or “I shouldn’t have to do this”, I would have felt completely miserable about the circumstance of moving and would probably have resented the move.

But instead, I knew that I didn’t want to continue going deeper into debt for no reason. The extra amenities just weren’t that important to me, and I was tired of the constant stress of having to come up with the rent every month.

Initially, I was drawn to the city because the rents were so much cheaper. But what happened was I fell in love with the charm of the place.

My thoughts about it were: “I’m choosing to do this to save money and stress”, “I live alone so washing dishes by hand won’t bother me”, “the laundry room is only a few steps away from my apartment”, and “parking isn’t a big deal because there are so many awesome places within walking distance”.

I chose to be happy about it first.

Most importantly I believed those thoughts, they all felt true to me so I didn’t have to lie to myself first and then struggle later to make the lies feel true.

The result of liking my situation ahead of time was that I got to actually enjoy my new space, which created the circumstance of me having a more desirable living space by choosing my thoughts about it.

These new thoughts also helped create the circumstance of being able to finally start getting out of debt (I’d trade the in-apartment washer and dryer for that any day, thank you!).

It’s not the circumstances that dictate our feelings, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance.

Based on that equation it’s possible to change the quality of your life without changing anything but your thoughts.

Better yet, you can IMPROVE the quality of our lives, just by improving your thoughts.

The next time you feel angry, sad, or not good enough because of your circumstances, step back and get curious about the thoughts you’re thinking that are causing your feelings.

You don’t have to trick yourself into believing your circumstances are rainbows and daisies, you just have to drop into a thought that feels a little bit better. A thought that gets you to a place where can at least feel more neutral.

And please don’t wait until you’re elderly or – God forbid – have a critical illness to start paying attention to your quality of life.

Start now.

Discover What’s Possible.

Click here if you want to learn more about how to not just improve your life, but live a fuller life than you ever thought possible!