by Vicki Pike
After dragging my feet for weeks, I finally went into the DMV to transfer the title on my car.
My paperwork had already been submitted and approved online, and the instructions said I could either mail them in (mail an original pink-slip? I don’t think so), or bring them in to an office.
I chose the latter.
When I arrived at the DMV that afternoon I was in luck, there were maybe 3 people in the waiting room, and no one in line.
I was called up to the window and handed my paperwork to the DMV representative, letting them know what I needed. They took it without looking up from their computer.
My expectation was they would confirm the originals, enter everything into the system, and I would walk away feeling accomplished. In my mind it was already done.
But I could tell right away that wasn’t going to be the case. My confidence took an immediate dive.
After flipping through a few of the pages the rep asked “Didn’t they say to mail the originals?”
I said “Yes, that was one of the options. The other was to submit them in person”.
They rep didn’t respond, and instead continued to flip through the paperwork. Still not looking at me.
I sensed they were less than thrilled.
After a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, I heard myself say “So, would it just be better to go home and mail in the originals?”.
“Yes, that would be better” they said, eagerly handing back all of my paperwork and returning to their computer screen. I could practically feel their relief.
I actually THANKED THEM, then turned around and went home. Paperwork still in hand. Mission still not accomplished. Self-confidence tanked.
On my way home I told myself that it was easier to just leave…that I was “keeping the peace”, and avoiding the hassle of standing around and waiting for them to file the paperwork.
But those were lies.
In truth, I left to avoid confrontation.
It felt ‘safer’ to shut down and walk away, than to risk the potential reaction of speaking up for myself.
After all, what if I was wrong? What if they got upset with me?
What if they didn’t like me?
It was fear, and the uncertainty of another person’s reaction, that made me abandon my purpose.
And it wasn’t the first time.
THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOOK
From a young age I’ve believed that confrontation was scary and unpredictable. I never knew when one innocent sentence or action from me could provoke someone else to anger, or worse.
Not always, but often enough.
As a result I became an expert at people-pleasing and reading the room, I knew when to back down and stay quiet.
I also learned that I could sometimes influence another person’s reactions by my words and demeanor. The less confrontational I was, the better the chance I had of avoiding fear, or pain (and maybe even the risk of rejection?).
But I’m in my fifties now.
And after many years (and thousands of dollars) of coaching and self-help discovery, I’ve come to understand myself much better – what drives my actions and causes my results – and I’ve gained a confidence in myself that I’ve never had before.
But this.
My fear of confrontation still lurks beneath the surface.
It’s why I put off going to the DMV for weeks in the first place.
It’s why I put off responding to my apartment manager after they over-charged me hundreds of dollars in “repairs” that were not my responsibility.
It’s why I stay in relationships long after it’s time to leave.
It may feel safer to stay small, and quiet, and not speak up for myself in the simplest of ways, but it doesn’t serve me in the long run.
It keeps me stuck, and unproductive.
And I’ve come too far in my life to feel like that anymore.
What I want to feel is confident and empowered. I want to be respectful to others, but also respectful to myself, and speak up for what I want.
CHANGING THE NARRATIVE
The truth is, I don’t know what the DMV rep was thinking. I don’t know their reason for not wanting to process my paperwork…maybe they were already late for their lunch break? Maybe they were short-handed and no one else knew how to enter everything into the system?
Maybe, it had nothing to do with me.
The bottom line is: how someone else acts isn’t within my control.
How I react, is.
Normally, when I sense a possible confrontation, my nervous systems prickles up. …I become flushed and anxious, triggered into an instant fight or flight response.
But it’s just a conversation. Just words.
Nothing has gone wrong, and I know I’m capable of reasonable thought.
Instead of giving into fight or flight, what I might have done instead was stay present, take a deep breath, have patience, and trust myself.
I could have suggested taking a number and waiting in the lobby until someone else could help me. Or politely point out the case number on the paperwork to let them know that everything was already approved and just had to submit the originals under that case number.
I could have put more effort into standing up for myself, instead of walking away to “keep the peace”, while secretly feeling like I had been rejected.
The truth is I rejected myself first by not even trying.
But that doesn’t have to be the case anymore. I’m aware now of why I feel what I feel. And the next time I feel my fight or flight response starts to prickle up, I can recognize it, take a breath, and change my reaction.
In doing so, I change my own narrative.
And so can you.
We deserve to stand up for ourselves, and have our own back.
And when we start taking ourselves seriously, others will do the same.
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