Vicki Pike

From Obligation to Intention – How to Start Living Your Life on Purpose

(One simple shift you can make today)

I couldn’t even pick out towels.

A year after my husband passed away, with my kids grown and living on their own, I found myself alone in an apartment that was entirely mine.

I could finally decorate it however I wanted.

Except I couldn’t.

I stood in the bath section at Target for thirty-five minutes staring at a wall of towels, completely stuck. Not because there weren’t enough choices — but because I honestly had no idea what I liked or wanted.

That’s when it hit me.

After years of caring – and making decisions for – a husband, children, and a family, I had no idea how to make a decision for myself.

I spent most of my life focused on others: what they liked, what they didn’t like, what made them comfortable, what made them happy.

But now, at 51years old, that was no longer my role.

It was like being a music conductor after the rest of the orchestra had left the building.

At first I felt disoriented. I didn’t really know who I was, or what I was supposed to do next.

But instead of hiding from that untethered feeling, I sat with it and let it happen. I spent time by myself going on walks, or out for coffee, and journaling. A lot.

And what I found was, even though I didn’t know what the next chapter of my life would look like, I knew that I wanted to be the director of it.

Fast forward a few years – I’m now the drummer in a couple of local cover bands, a writer, and a person who’s is always ready to say Yes to the next adventure.

And I know exactly what color of towels I like.

All it took was one simple shift.

From Obligation to Intention

Since I was no longer managing everyone else’s life, I decided to shift my focus towards myself.

To building my intentional life.

And the first step towards my intentional life was to stop doing things out of obligation.

If something came up that I knew I’d have to fake my way through, or didn’t fit my idea of an intentional life, I wouldn’t do it.

Going to an office party after work just because “everyone else is going”? –– No thank you.

A bridal shower for an acquaintance, especially if games I knew games would be involved? – Hard pass, but I’ll gladly send a thoughtful gift.

At this stage in the game, there’s no more room for “I should”.

Instead, base your decisions on “want”.

I started making decisions that would create the results I wanted for my life – more true friends, a hobby I’m passionate about, a strategic boost to my career – is empowering.

I’ve wanted to be a drummer my whole life, I finally decided to take the steps to make it happen.

I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. And, well, here we are.

Energy is generated from making intentional decisions.

One Decision at a Time

I won’t tell you that your intentional life will be created over night, it’s a progression, made one decision at a time.

But it’s never too late to start exercising your decision–making muscles.

You’ve raised your family. You’ve given most of your life over to your job, or your children, or other obligations, now is the time to turn your focus towards yourself, and start building your intentional life.

A life designed by you, for you.

One decision at a time.

There’s no better person than you, and there’s no better time than now.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S.: If you’ve decided to go after one of your life-long dreams, I’d love to hear about it! Or if there’s something you’re thinking about but not sure if you’re ready to make the decision I’d love to support you in that too.

Drop your comments below, I read every one

Decision Debt

What it’s costing you, and how to get out of it

Photo by Sherise Van Dyk on Unsplash

Last week I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months.

For weeks prior to that I hemed-and-hawed, obsessing over the details…is this what I want? Is now the right time? What should I say? How should I say it? How will he react?

When we spent time together I made things awkward by hiding my feelings and pretending everything was okay when I knew it wasn’t. When I was alone I replayed the same questions on an endless loop in my head.

I couldn’t sleep, I was too tired to go to the gym, and I was consoling myself with food.

I was exhausted.

I was thinking the thoughts in my head but avoiding making a decision, and being in that loop made an already uncomfortable situation even worse.

Decision Debt is the mental, physical, and emotional cost of avoiding a decision we know needs to be made. Whether it’s a relationship, work, or other life circumstance, our unmade-decisions keep us spinning, cost us energy, and – most importantly – produce no results.

Why We Leave Decisions Unmade

I let indecision sabotage my time and energy because making no decision felt safer than making the wrong decision, even though I was miserable in the meantime.

Inaction is based on scarcity and fear – scarcity that there is only ONE right decision, and fear that we might make the wrong one.

But that’s primal brain thinking.

Our primal brain has 3 objectives: avoid pain, seek pleasure, and use the least amount of energy. It convinces us that staying miserable in the cave is still safer than exploring outside of it.

From the view of my primal brain, my impending break up was a life-or-death decision that there was no coming back from. I didn’t trust that I knew what I wanted or that I knew how to make it happen.

Fortunately, we also have a a prefrontal cortex…the logical part of our brain that knows how to step back and consider information and data. It removes the layers of drama and is a much more solid place to make decisions from.

In my logical brain I knew I couldn’t continue with the current relationship because pretending I was happy left me feeling frustrated and resentful. I was afraid of hurting my boyfriend by speaking up, but staying quiet was hurting both of us, it was just a slower process.

How To Escape Decision Debt

Unmade decisions require energy and produce no results.

Making a decision moves you forward.

When you find yourself stuck in an indecision loop, try these 4 steps:

Instead of running a problem over and over in your head, write it down. Getting it out of your head and onto a page helps to engage the prefrontal cortex and makes the problem easier to see.
Ask yourself “If I know I’ll be happy either way, what would I choose?” In my case, if I knew I would be happy whether I was with my boyfriend, or without him, what would I choose? Don’t overthink it, go with the first answer that comes to you.
After you have your answer, write down your why’s. You have to like your reasons. Liking your reasons for your decision gives you confidence, which you’ll need for the next step. (Note: THERE ARE NO ‘SHOULD’S’ ALLOWED IN THE DECISION MAKING PROCESS. If I hear you using the word ‘should’ to make a decision I will come find you and shake you by the shoulder’s until you delete that word from your vocabulary)
Have your own back. You’ve decided what’s best for you (only YOU know what that is), and you like your reasons. If you have those two things, no one else can talk you down.

And here’s the best part – even if the decision you make doesn’t produce the results you wanted, or expected, at first – YOU’RE STILL MOVING FORWARD BY MAKING A DECISION.

Last week I did finally make the decision to tell my boyfriend I wasn’t happy and I wanted to break up.

We had a good, productive conversation, and he said some things that really made me think.

Plot twist, after a few more conversations I decided to give our relationship another try. (The reason for my change of heart isn’t important, let’s just say it has something to do with my habit of shutting down in a relationship when I feel like someone is getting “too close”. But that’s a story for another day!).

I used the same decision-making process for staying that I used for leaving: I wrote out my thoughts (I had much more to consider after the conversation with my boyfriend and some soul-searching), I liked my reasons, and I had my own back for those reasons.

None of us has a crystal ball. We can only make our decisions based on a hypothesis of what we think the result might be (logical brain), and what we believe what will be best for us.

I’m not saying we should only think from our logical brain, but it bears trying out when we can’t seem to make a decision otherwise.

As cliche as it sounds, we won’t know we’re taking the right action until we take it.

We can spend our energy spinning in indecision for days, weeks, months, or even years. Or we can decide to take the first, best action, and begin moving forward.

It might be the right step on the first try, or we might use that first result and decide to pivot. Either result is infinitely better than hiding in indecision.

The more you make conscious, deliberate decisions, the easier they are to make.

Confidence breeds confidence.

Stop living in Decision Debt, and start making the choices that move you forward.

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The Day I Walked Away at the DMV — and What It Taught Me About My Fear of Confrontation in Midlife

by Vicki Pike

Photo by 🔮🌊💜✨ on Unsplash

After dragging my feet for weeks, I finally went into the DMV to transfer the title on my car.

My paperwork had already been submitted and approved online, and the instructions said I could either mail them in (mail an original pink-slip? I don’t think so), or bring them in to an office.

I chose the latter.

When I arrived at the DMV that afternoon I was in luck, there were maybe 3 people in the waiting room, and no one in line.

I was called up to the window and handed my paperwork to the DMV representative, letting them know what I needed. They took it without looking up from their computer.

My expectation was they would confirm the originals, enter everything into the system, and I would walk away feeling accomplished. In my mind it was already done.

But I could tell right away that wasn’t going to be the case. My confidence took an immediate dive.

After flipping through a few of the pages the rep asked “Didn’t they say to mail the originals?”

I said “Yes, that was one of the options. The other was to submit them in person”.

They rep didn’t respond, and instead continued to flip through the paperwork. Still not looking at me.

I sensed they were less than thrilled.

After a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, I heard myself say “So, would it just be better to go home and mail in the originals?”.

“Yes, that would be better” they said, eagerly handing back all of my paperwork and returning to their computer screen. I could practically feel their relief.

I actually THANKED THEM, then turned around and went home. Paperwork still in hand. Mission still not accomplished. Self-confidence tanked.

On my way home I told myself that it was easier to just leave…that I was “keeping the peace”, and avoiding the hassle of standing around and waiting for them to file the paperwork.

But those were lies.

In truth, I left to avoid confrontation.

It felt ‘safer’ to shut down and walk away, than to risk the potential reaction of speaking up for myself.

After all, what if I was wrong? What if they got upset with me?

What if they didn’t like me?

It was fear, and the uncertainty of another person’s reaction, that made me abandon my purpose.

And it wasn’t the first time.

THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOOK

From a young age I’ve believed that confrontation was scary and unpredictable. I never knew when one innocent sentence or action from me could provoke someone else to anger, or worse.

Not always, but often enough.

As a result I became an expert at people-pleasing and reading the room, I knew when to back down and stay quiet.

I also learned that I could sometimes influence another person’s reactions by my words and demeanor. The less confrontational I was, the better the chance I had of avoiding fear, or pain (and maybe even the risk of rejection?).

But I’m in my fifties now.

And after many years (and thousands of dollars) of coaching and self-help discovery, I’ve come to understand myself much better – what drives my actions and causes my results – and I’ve gained a confidence in myself that I’ve never had before.

But this.

My fear of confrontation still lurks beneath the surface.

It’s why I put off going to the DMV for weeks in the first place.

It’s why I put off responding to my apartment manager after they over-charged me hundreds of dollars in “repairs” that were not my responsibility.

It’s why I stay in relationships long after it’s time to leave.

It may feel safer to stay small, and quiet, and not speak up for myself in the simplest of ways, but it doesn’t serve me in the long run.

It keeps me stuck, and unproductive.

And I’ve come too far in my life to feel like that anymore.

What I want to feel is confident and empowered. I want to be respectful to others, but also respectful to myself, and speak up for what I want.

CHANGING THE NARRATIVE

The truth is, I don’t know what the DMV rep was thinking. I don’t know their reason for not wanting to process my paperwork…maybe they were already late for their lunch break? Maybe they were short-handed and no one else knew how to enter everything into the system?

Maybe, it had nothing to do with me.

The bottom line is: how someone else acts isn’t within my control.

How I react, is.

Normally, when I sense a possible confrontation, my nervous systems prickles up. …I become flushed and anxious, triggered into an instant fight or flight response.

But it’s just a conversation. Just words.

Nothing has gone wrong, and I know I’m capable of reasonable thought.

Instead of giving into fight or flight, what I might have done instead was stay present, take a deep breath, have patience, and trust myself.

I could have suggested taking a number and waiting in the lobby until someone else could help me. Or politely point out the case number on the paperwork to let them know that everything was already approved and just had to submit the originals under that case number.

I could have put more effort into standing up for myself, instead of walking away to “keep the peace”, while secretly feeling like I had been rejected.

The truth is I rejected myself first by not even trying.

But that doesn’t have to be the case anymore. I’m aware now of why I feel what I feel. And the next time I feel my fight or flight response starts to prickle up, I can recognize it, take a breath, and change my reaction.

In doing so, I change my own narrative.

And so can you.

We deserve to stand up for ourselves, and have our own back.

And when we start taking ourselves seriously, others will do the same.

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Confidence, Self-Esteem, and the Missing Piece: Inner Authority

Photo by Jordan Donaldson | @jordi.d on Unsplash

I typically write about self-confidence – what it means and how we can build more of it.

But this week during a Google search I came across the word ‘self-esteem’. Of course I’ve heard the term a thousand times, but I always assumed that self-esteem and self-confidence were the same thing. So I got curious and started digging.

Turns out they’re not.

Self-confidence = trusting in one’s skills or abilities.

Self-esteem = a sense of one’s own worthiness as a person.

Seems simple enough? But I felt like there was something in between that was missing. So I decided to pursue it further (yes, because I’m that kind of nerd).

Let me give you a recent example from my own life.

I started drumming in my 40’s. I’m self-taught and obviously don’t have the skills (yet) of someone who has been playing their whole lives. But I have confidence in my skills because I can already play at a certain level, which gives me a personal “proof of concept”.

And, even though I trust my skill level, performing in front of people still requires self–esteem to believe I’m good enough, or worthy enough, to occupy a space on stage with other musicians.

Here’s where I encountered the gap between the two:

Last weekend I had the opportunity to hang out downtown with my friend Michael, who I rarely get to see. He had been invited to a “front porch jam”, and thought I might be interested.

In case you’re not familiar: a front porch jam is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of guys (mostly guys) set up various instruments on someone’s front porch, and play music together. This particular house stood about one story above the sidewalk at the entrance of a cul-de-sac. By mid-afternoon, there were more than 100 people on the street and sidewalks watching the musicians play. Lawn chairs, coolers, and adult beverages were in full force.

At this jam, the hosting band played some of their songs first. After they finished, they invited other musicians to come up and play.

I hesitated for just a second, then my friend nudged me, so I raised my hand. The band leader waived me up.

I climbed up the stairs and sat down at the kit.

Every drummer has their own kit that they’re used to, so this one was foreign to me. One of the cymbals was set up so high I had to extend my arm up almost fully to reach it (I’m 4 ’11, so basically child-sized).

Jams are spontaneous, so we didn’t talk about what we were going to play. Normally, the guitar or bass player plays some notes, or a ‘riff’, and everyone else follows. I listen for a rhythm and do my best to fill in the drums. I also try to pay attention to the bass player because we need to be in step as the rhythm section.

I had no idea if I could play with these guys that I’d never met before, I just knew I couldn’t overthink it because my nerves would take over and my playing might fall apart.

So I took a breath and just told myself that, no matter what, I would figure it out.

And I did.

I held the beat, added a few drum fills when it sounded right, and mostly just stayed on lock with the rest of the band. The guitar players took turns playing their solos (if you know, you know), and I hung in there with the drums.

Once I felt like I knew what I was doing I looked down at the crowd and noticed several people smiling, nodding along, and taking videos of us on their phones. I knew we sounded good.

It was the only song I got to play – the original drummer was anxious to reclaim his throne – but as I started walking downstairs, each of the guys in the band smiled and shook my hand. The lead singer introduced himself, asked my name, and said he hoped I’d be back (like I’d be able to stay away after that!).

As I walked back down to Michael, I felt amazing. Like I had crossed an invisible line I hadn’t known I was there.

Later that night I was thinking about what that moment came down to. Was it confidence? Was it self-esteem?

I was confident enough to believe I could hold my own with the other musicians. But I wasn’t thinking about being “good enough” to be on stage with strangers. The thought that pushed me forward was: “Whatever happens I know I’ll figure it out”.

It didn’t feel like pure confidence, but it didn’t feel like self-esteem either.

It felt like something in between – an inner authority.

Like a grounded, internal permission to trust who I am and that, no matter what, I’ll land on my feet. I can adapt and move forward, whatever the situation.

I’m a firm believer that our feelings, actions, and results, are all determined by one thing – our thoughts. We have a thought, which causes a feeling that drives our actions. And it’s our actions that create our ultimate result(s). In everything.

So whether it’s confidence, self-esteem, inner authority — they all begin with a thought.

“I believe in my skills.”
“I believe I’m worthy.”
“I’ll figure it out.”

It’s our thoughts that carry us forward to our results.

And the good news is, thoughts aren’t written in stone. They can be changed. And we can choose our new thoughts with intention.

Because in the end, the way we think about ourselves is what lifts us up — or holds us back. And that’s not something we should leave to chance.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S.: If you’re ready to build real self-confidence, deepen your self-worth, and trust yourself in the moments that matter — let’s talk. This is the work I do with clients every day, and I’d love to help you find your own inner authority.

Life Isn’t Fair—But You Can Still Create Your Own Happiness

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

If life were truly fair, many of us would be in trouble.

Have you ever secretly envied someone because they have more than you? More money, a
nicer house or car, a better body, or a better job?

Most of us probably have, because we’re human and have access to the internet.

The reality is, for everything in our lives that we feel isn’t good enough, someone else has even less. Just take a look around…you can always find someone else who has less money, no house or car, or a disability.

So do we really wish life was fair?

It’s About Us, Not Them

When we say “life isn’t fair”, what we really mean is “I should have more than I do”.

That type of thinking comes from our own scarcity mindset, and it keeps us from creating the happiness we think we’re missing.

For example:

Thought:
“That’s not fair.”

Feelings We Generate From That Thought:

Anger
Resentment
Self-pity

Actions We Might Take When Feeling Those Feelings:

Indulge in negative emotions
Shut down or withdrawal
Seek more evidence that life isn’t fair

Here’s What We’re Not Doing While Stuck in Those Feelings:

Taking care of ourselves or our mental health
Looking for ways to improve our situation
Appreciating what we do have

The Result:
We’re the ones being unfair to ourselves.

The reason we focus so much attention on someone else’s situation is that taking responsibility for our own circumstances feels so much harder (it actually isn’t), but it’s the work we need to do if we want to be truly happy.

We Create Our Own Happiness

Happiness is within our power to create.

Looking outward isn’t the answer.

What someone else has or doesn’t have is irrelevant to our situation. It’s not their life that’s causing us pain, it’s our thoughts about their life. And thoughts can be changed.

The first step to creating our own happiness is recognizing when we’re in a scarcity mindset.

Most of us have had negative mindsets running on autopilot in our brains for years (yours truly included), but it is possible to change that.

We need to recognize when we’re choosing negative thoughts, and intentionally choose a thought that feels better in our bodies. Instead of the default thought “I don’t have enough”, which feels horrible, try something that feels more neutral such as “This is what I have right now”, “This is just my starting point”.

It’s a matter of re-training our brains. When we find our brain reverting back to the scarcity thoughts, gently re-direct it to the new thoughts we’re trying to cultivate. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Second, get to work. Write a list of what you have in your life that is enough. It could be “I have a job”, “I have a roof over my head”, “I have a body that has accomplished ‘x’”, or “I have family and friends that I love, and who love me”.

Try to come up with at least as many positive aspects of your life as your perceived negative ones.

Third, and most importantly, work on improving your relationship with yourself.

You have enough.

You are enough.

Give yourself credit for everything in your life you’ve accomplished and built so far, no matter how big or small. Look at all you’ve created, what you’ve accomplished, and ways you’ve helped other people.

Your old, negative thoughts have occupied your brain for years if not decades, so be patient, we won’t adopt new thoughts overnight. For the best results, write them in a journal every day to remind yourself of the intentional thoughts you’re choosing to think now.

Using our perception of other people’s lives to beat ourselves up doesn’t serve us. It may feel easier now, but it only holds us down in the long run, and prevents us from creating our own happiness.

Instead of focusing on how unfair the world is to us, we need to focus on how unfair we are to ourselves.

That’s where we need to start.

I love you, and I believe in you.

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The Power of Choice: Deciding Our Emotions Ahead of Time

Photo by Wei Wang on Unsplash

I grew up hating parties.

My experience with them has always entailed the following:

Small talk
Avoiding small talk
Avoiding eye contact
Seeing how long I can go without putting my foot in my mouth or tripping over my words
Finding the nearest family pet to distract myself while still making it seem like I’m participating in a group activity

If I did talk myself into attending a party — out of guilt, obligation, or a genuine desire that, ‘this time’, I would show up and wow people with my conversational prowess — it would always end with me regretting my decision.

I felt like people were judging me for being awkward. I felt unlikable because no one talked to me or included me in their conversations, I could leave the room and no one would even notice.

But I understand a lot more now than I did back then.

Back then I didn’t realize that I was creating my own result.

Before going into any party I already held the belief that I wasn’t as good as everyone else and that I didn’t belong.

That belief made me extremely self-conscious.

Feeling self-conscious caused me to hide from attention, avoid eye contact, and rethink every word coming out of my mouth.

Those actions created the result that I didn’t belong.

(Can you say ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’?).

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

What I finally know now, is that I can decide ahead of time how I want to feel at that party.

Instead of going into it looking to get validation that I’m liked or accepted, I can focus my attention on giving connection. Being truly curious about other humans, getting to know their life stories, and their personalities, and not making it about me.

When I decide ahead of time that my purpose for showing up is connection and keeping an open mind to see what the event brings, those thoughts allow me to feel more relaxed

When I’m relaxed, I act more like myself.

And when I’m acting more like myself, I create the result of belonging.

Instead of basing your self-worth on the reaction of other people (which you have no control over), you can take control by deciding ahead of time how you want to feel. Choose the thoughts that will cause you to take better actions, show up with intention, and create a better result.

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When Dreams Change: Rising Strong After Loss

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

My husband and I married in 1996.

We had two awesome children, in addition to my amazing daughter from a previous marriage.

We had planned on retiring to Oregon after the kids were grown, living out our days in rocking chairs on the front porch.

We just didn’t know.

We didn’t know my husband would get sick.

We didn’t know he would eventually pass away in 2020, at the age of 57, after 24 years of marriage, and 21 years of being a father.

We didn’t know.

Following my husband’s death, after all of the grief, and anger, and sadness, and resentment I went through, here’s what I believe now:

It was always going to happen that way.

We can dream our dreams, and plan our lives, but the truth is we don’t know what the future holds, and how, or when, something will end. There’s no guarantee that life will go how we think it should, or how we planned it would, whether it’s through death, divorce, or unexpected breakup.

But that’s how it has always been, and how it will always be.

In spite of all our knowledge, and all our modern technology, we can never predict the future.

And that’s how it was meant to be.

It’s okay to feel sad about that. And angry. And disappointed. And resentful. And hurt.

It’s okay to grieve, for as long as it takes.

But one day, when you’re ready, take a step back and look around you.

The trees are the same as they were yesterday.

So is the sky.

And the grass.

And the lakes, and rivers, and oceans, and flowers.

So are our kids, friends, family, and loved ones that are still with us.

One piece may have ended, but many others still go on.

Grieving is necessary. But try to spend an equal amount of time looking for the good, because it’s still all around you.

There will always be a reason to go on.

Find yours.

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How To Feel Like You Belong – Finding Confidence in Any Situation

Picture by author

It was my first time playing drums in front of other people, and I was terrified.

I was 46 years old and had been playing for just a few years. Up until then, I had only played alone in my garage. Then one day my brother-in-law challenged me to join a program put on by a local music store. Anyone could sign up for the program, no matter their skill level, and at the end of the program, we would all get to play 5 songs on stage at a local venue.

I know I wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been presented as a direct challenge.

When the day came for tryouts I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I forced myself to walk into the building from the parking lot, the whole time wishing I could turn around and run back home. I mean, no one would notice if I left? No harm, no foul. But I’d have to admit to my brother-in-law that I chickened out, and that was enough to keep me moving forward.

There were roughly 50 musicians crammed into two rooms…guitarists, bass players, drummers, and singers, all milling about. Most of them were around my age.

I walked in not knowing anyone and having no idea what to expect.

I expected everyone to stare at me – a 4’11” female, almost 50 years old, carrying a pair of drumsticks in my purse. In my head they were thinking “Who does she think she is?”. “Oh look, she thinks she’s cool, carrying drumsticks in her purse”. “She probably can’t even play”.

Of course, I only thought they were thinking that because that’s what I was saying to myself.

When I walked up to the front desk to sign my name on the list my hand shook so badly I couldn’t even read my own signature.

I looked for somewhere to stand while I waited. I found a spot up against the wall, half hidden behind the door frame. I stood there and quietly surveyed the rest of the room.

At first, I was convinced everyone would stare at me because it was clear to them (and myself) that I did not belong in that room.

But that wasn’t the case.

No one noticed me at all. I was invisible.

I didn’t know if that was better than feeling judged by everyone, or worse?

I stayed in my hiding place while group after group of musicians went up and played their songs.

And I listened. I listened to the drummers who played before me, silently judging their skills against mine.

I noticed there was a repeating pattern…a lot of the bands played the same song, and there happened to be an odd–timing in the chorus that (I felt) the other drummers were missing.

Finally, it was my turn. When I sat down at the drum kit my mouth was as dry as my mom’s pork chops. Of course, the kit was too tall for me because it was meant for an adult-sized person, I practically held my arms over my head to reach the top cymbals, and the snare and toms were set way too high, but I was determined to make it work.

When we started the song my body took over. When I’m playing my mantra is “Don’t think, just play”, so I listened closely to the music and let my body react. The part in the chorus that every other drummer missed came up, so I relaxed into it and played the song like I heard it in my head, the way I thought it should be played.

The whole thing was over in an instant, and I was ecstatic.

I JUST PLAYED THE DRUMS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND I DIDN’T DIE.

When I walked away from the stage my hands were shaking for a totally different reason.

I fucking did it.

I even heard a guitar player walking in front of me say to his friend “She’s the only one who played it right.”

I was on cloud – not even 9 – more like 150.

I remember getting a couple of fist-bumps on my way out, but I don’t remember speaking to anyone.

After tryouts, we were all placed into different bands, and we only had 4 practices before going on stage in a local venue for a concert.

On the day of our concert, the room was filled with mostly friends and family, but well over 100 people in attendance.

When it was time for my band to get up on that stage, there was no taking away my joy. I wasn’t scared at all, I was so excited, I just wanted to GO!

My playing wasn’t perfect, I made a few mistakes during our songs on stage (we all did at some point), but I knew without a doubt that I belonged up there. I enjoyed every second and couldn’t wait to do it again!

When we finished our set I practically floated off stage. People were whooping and clapping, it was the happiest I’d ever been. I hadn’t even made it back to the green room before 3 guys walked up to me and asked if I would be the drummer for their band.

That was more than 10 years ago I’ve never looked back. Now I’m playing in two local cover bands, one classic rock and one 90’s, grunge rock (my dream!).

I can’t imagine how different my life would be now if I had listened to my fear and never taken that chance.

Our Feelings Don’t Come From Our Circumstances

A woman recently told me “…I get to an event and feel completely out of place or get ignored.”

In my case, I sought out being ignored. I was so uncomfortable being in an unfamiliar situation I literally tried making myself invisible.

The reality is that it isn’t the circumstance that makes us feel awkward, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance that cause our feeling of awkwardness.

I walked into that room afraid everyone would think I didn’t belong because I already believed I didn’t belong, and my brain was looking for evidence that I was right.

When we believe we don’t belong we act self-conscious and nervous. Then, we avoid eye contact and (in my case) try to blend into the wallpaper.

And when someone does talk to us we’re so self-conscious that we bungle our words (my social life in a nutshell).

The result we create is WE ARE AWKWARD. We create that reality by believing it first, and then acting accordingly, so our brain can prove that we’re right.

It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way

What if you could decide ahead of time how you want to feel at the event?

Decide you’re going to enjoy yourself because you like the people, or were interested in the event itself.

Decide to keep your eyes up, say Hi to people, or find something interesting to look at or experience. You could make it your mission to find someone else who looked lonely or awkward and strike up a casual conversation. Or start by complimenting their outfit, or picking out something you both have in common.

And yes, you might bumble the conversation (at first), but everyone has at some point. Just laugh it off but keep going.

Most importantly, don’t make it about YOU. Focus on other people, be curious about what they like, how they think, and who they are. Not everyone has to become your best friend, or you theirs, but everyone has a story and you might meet some really interesting people!

There are no rules, and we don’t have to force ourselves to go out and do all the things. We can enjoy staying home just as much as going out.

Either option is fine, just make sure it’s intentional.

Discover What’s Possible

You Can’t Get a Positive Result From a Negative Emotion

Stop trying to shame yourself into success

Photo by Man Chung on Unsplash

When was the last time you celebrated yourself after a failure?

Or gave yourself a pat on the back when you didn’t achieve your goal?

I know it sounds counterintuitive…doesn’t rewarding failure only encourage more failure?

Maybe you’ve set a goal to go to the gym 3 days a week, but only made it once.

Or you promised yourself you wouldn’t eat that cupcake during the office party, only to find yourself holding the empty wrapper without remembering having picked it up in the first place.

Once we’ve determined we “failed” everything else is downhill…we mentally beat ourselves up with our familiar, negative thought loops:

“I knew this wouldn’t work”

“I’ll never lose the weight”

“I can’t do this”

“Why do I even try”

“I’ll never be good enough”

Those thoughts leave us feeling dejected.

When we feel dejected we start to avoid and procrastinate. We double up on overconsumption because, why not? We’ve already screwed up, we might as well go all in.

The result is our efforts DO fail, just like we knew they would, and we end up building more evidence for all of the negative thoughts we were thinking in the first place.

We will never get a positive result from a negative thought.

Some of us might be able to shame ourselves into a few small successes, but I can promise you the journey won’t be enjoyable, which means it won’t be sustainable.

Mentally beating ourselves up keeps us stuck in the same negative thought loop–behavior that got us to where we are right now, with the unwanted results of overeating, over-drinking, or overconsuming.

We cannot shame ourselves into success.

In order to achieve the results we want, we need to become the person who can achieve those results.

In order to become that person who achieves those results we need to change our current (negative) thought patterns. We have to manage our minds to become the person who achieves those results.

–No more beating yourself up.

–No more focusing on past failures to determine your future result.

Who you were in the past does not dictate who you are capable of becoming.

Is your goal to lose weight? Eat better? Get healthy? Then figure out what steps a successful person would do to reach that goal, and do them.

Make sure to include a plan for what will happen on the days you ‘fail’ to execute those steps.

If getting up at 5 am every day to go to the gym isn’t realistic, then try 3 days at 6 am. Or set a goal to start walking every Saturday morning. Be creative, what would be a winning formula to help you get closer to your goal? Figure out those steps then plug them into that formula.

Think of it as math, not drama.

Then, celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Give yourself love and grace on the days you fall short because at least you’re trying. Then get up and get after it again the next day, because that’s what a successful person would do.

Think of the steps in your formula as non-negotiable. You need to commit to showing up, not just for your current self, but your future self. The future you who has already achieved that goal already exists, and she is waiting for you at the finish line.

The only true failure is quitting. Everything else is just a learning curve.

Celebrate yourself for trying, for committing to your future self, and know that you’re one step closer to becoming the future you that achieves your goal.

Manage your mind, to manage your results.

Discover What’s Possible

It’s Like Spring Cleaning, But For Your Brain

Photo by Leohoho on Unsplash

It’s Like Spring Cleaning – But For Your Brain

Here in California, we’re beginning to have faith that spring is on the way…the temps are beginning to inch upwards and we’re seeing fewer and fewer rainy days (contrary to popular belief it does rain in California).

It’s the one time of year I actually feel inspired to clean my apartment.

I get to open windows, let fresh air in, clean out cobwebs, put away heavy things, and shine light into dark corners.

So that got me thinking – spring cleaning our homes is “normal”, like a tradition.

But what if we applied that same tradition to our brains?

Might sound weird I know, but stay with me.

Throughout the Fall and Winter, we’ve endured cold, rain, sometimes snow, and fewer hours of sunlight. We’ve closed our homes and covered ourselves in layers of blankets and warm clothing.

We’re mammals so hibernating is in our DNA, we’re conserving energy. But it can also cause things like seasonal depression and eating habits that result in extra weight. Just like our homes need an airing–out and a refresh to wake everything up, so do our brains.

So what might that look like?

For myself, it looks like getting the sun on my face as soon, and as often, as possible. Going outside for a walk, journaling with the windows and doors open.

It looks like shining a light on the negative thoughts that tend to harbor in the corners of my mind, the ones that have built up during the colder, darker days.

In order to shine a light on those negative thoughts, we first need to find and acknowledge them.

For me, that’s journaling.

I don’t do anything fancy. There’s no expensive, color-coded, store–bought journal. I just grab a plain notebook and a pen, and get all my thoughts out of my brain and onto paper.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I write it all down, with NO judgment. We’re all human, we all have ugly thoughts. But thoughts are optional, just because we have one doesn’t mean we need to agree with it, and we definitely don’t need to keep it. We can just write it down, and let it go.

Many of us have negative thought loops that play on automatic repeat in our heads unchecked:

I’m not as smart as other people
I’m too much
I’m not enough
I’m too different

We’re been thinking these thoughts for so long we’ve accepted them as facts.

But that’s a lie.

They’re just thoughts. And thoughts are optional.

We can change them, we just have to decide to put in the work.

By work, I mean take a few minutes to LOOK at those thoughts and figure out which ones are hurting you. Write them down, and bring them into the light of day so they can no longer hide in your subconscious.

Note that they are just thoughts, and then choose whether or not you want to keep them.

But that doesn’t mean we can just change a negative thought to another, completely opposite thought. We can’t go from “I’m not enough” to “I’m amazing” because of a little thing called cognitive dissonance. Our brains won’t believe it so it will never stick.

Pick a thought that’s just slightly better than the previous thought.

“I’m not enough” could be “I am capable at some things” (then list at least five)

“I’m too fat” could be “My hair looks good today”, “I like my eyes”, or “I have a strong, capable body”.

Then practice that new, intentional thought. Write it down every day to remind yourself that this is the thought you’re deciding to think from now on. Give it just as much air time as you were giving your previous, unwanted thought.

Let go of the negative thoughts that have been hidden under layers of heaviness. Clean out your mental cobwebs, put away heavy things, shine light into the dark corners, and let the fresh thoughts in.

This spring, while you’re opening up and refreshing your space, remember to let some light and air into your brain as well.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S. Speaking of spring, I’m opening up my coaching to new clients starting in April of 2024. If it’s something you’re interested in or want to know more about, just email me or reach out to me on all the Socials, I’d be happy to chat with you!