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It was my first time playing drums in front of other people, and I was terrified.
I was 46 years old and had been playing for just a few years. Up until then, I had only played alone in my garage. Then one day my brother-in-law challenged me to join a program put on by a local music store. Anyone could sign up for the program, no matter their skill level, and at the end of the program, we would all get to play 5 songs on stage at a local venue.
I know I wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been presented as a direct challenge.
When the day came for tryouts I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I forced myself to walk into the building from the parking lot, the whole time wishing I could turn around and run back home. I mean, no one would notice if I left? No harm, no foul. But I’d have to admit to my brother-in-law that I chickened out, and that was enough to keep me moving forward.
There were roughly 50 musicians crammed into two rooms…guitarists, bass players, drummers, and singers, all milling about. Most of them were around my age.
I walked in not knowing anyone and having no idea what to expect.
I expected everyone to stare at me – a 4’11” female, almost 50 years old, carrying a pair of drumsticks in my purse. In my head they were thinking “Who does she think she is?”. “Oh look, she thinks she’s cool, carrying drumsticks in her purse”. “She probably can’t even play”.
Of course, I only thought they were thinking that because that’s what I was saying to myself.
When I walked up to the front desk to sign my name on the list my hand shook so badly I couldn’t even read my own signature.
I looked for somewhere to stand while I waited. I found a spot up against the wall, half hidden behind the door frame. I stood there and quietly surveyed the rest of the room.
At first, I was convinced everyone would stare at me because it was clear to them (and myself) that I did not belong in that room.
But that wasn’t the case.
No one noticed me at all. I was invisible.
I didn’t know if that was better than feeling judged by everyone, or worse?
I stayed in my hiding place while group after group of musicians went up and played their songs.
And I listened. I listened to the drummers who played before me, silently judging their skills against mine.
I noticed there was a repeating pattern…a lot of the bands played the same song, and there happened to be an odd–timing in the chorus that (I felt) the other drummers were missing.
Finally, it was my turn. When I sat down at the drum kit my mouth was as dry as my mom’s pork chops. Of course, the kit was too tall for me because it was meant for an adult-sized person, I practically held my arms over my head to reach the top cymbals, and the snare and toms were set way too high, but I was determined to make it work.
When we started the song my body took over. When I’m playing my mantra is “Don’t think, just play”, so I listened closely to the music and let my body react. The part in the chorus that every other drummer missed came up, so I relaxed into it and played the song like I heard it in my head, the way I thought it should be played.
The whole thing was over in an instant, and I was ecstatic.
I JUST PLAYED THE DRUMS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND I DIDN’T DIE.
When I walked away from the stage my hands were shaking for a totally different reason.
I fucking did it.
I even heard a guitar player walking in front of me say to his friend “She’s the only one who played it right.”
I was on cloud – not even 9 – more like 150.
I remember getting a couple of fist-bumps on my way out, but I don’t remember speaking to anyone.
After tryouts, we were all placed into different bands, and we only had 4 practices before going on stage in a local venue for a concert.
On the day of our concert, the room was filled with mostly friends and family, but well over 100 people in attendance.
When it was time for my band to get up on that stage, there was no taking away my joy. I wasn’t scared at all, I was so excited, I just wanted to GO!
My playing wasn’t perfect, I made a few mistakes during our songs on stage (we all did at some point), but I knew without a doubt that I belonged up there. I enjoyed every second and couldn’t wait to do it again!
When we finished our set I practically floated off stage. People were whooping and clapping, it was the happiest I’d ever been. I hadn’t even made it back to the green room before 3 guys walked up to me and asked if I would be the drummer for their band.
That was more than 10 years ago I’ve never looked back. Now I’m playing in two local cover bands, one classic rock and one 90’s, grunge rock (my dream!).
I can’t imagine how different my life would be now if I had listened to my fear and never taken that chance.
Our Feelings Don’t Come From Our Circumstances
A woman recently told me “…I get to an event and feel completely out of place or get ignored.”
In my case, I sought out being ignored. I was so uncomfortable being in an unfamiliar situation I literally tried making myself invisible.
The reality is that it isn’t the circumstance that makes us feel awkward, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance that cause our feeling of awkwardness.
I walked into that room afraid everyone would think I didn’t belong because I already believed I didn’t belong, and my brain was looking for evidence that I was right.
When we believe we don’t belong we act self-conscious and nervous. Then, we avoid eye contact and (in my case) try to blend into the wallpaper.
And when someone does talk to us we’re so self-conscious that we bungle our words (my social life in a nutshell).
The result we create is WE ARE AWKWARD. We create that reality by believing it first, and then acting accordingly, so our brain can prove that we’re right.
It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way
What if you could decide ahead of time how you want to feel at the event?
Decide you’re going to enjoy yourself because you like the people, or were interested in the event itself.
Decide to keep your eyes up, say Hi to people, or find something interesting to look at or experience. You could make it your mission to find someone else who looked lonely or awkward and strike up a casual conversation. Or start by complimenting their outfit, or picking out something you both have in common.
And yes, you might bumble the conversation (at first), but everyone has at some point. Just laugh it off but keep going.
Most importantly, don’t make it about YOU. Focus on other people, be curious about what they like, how they think, and who they are. Not everyone has to become your best friend, or you theirs, but everyone has a story and you might meet some really interesting people!
There are no rules, and we don’t have to force ourselves to go out and do all the things. We can enjoy staying home just as much as going out.
Either option is fine, just make sure it’s intentional.
Discover What’s Possible
