Life Isn’t Fair—But You Can Still Create Your Own Happiness

If life were truly fair, many of us would be in trouble.

Have you ever secretly envied someone because they have more than you? More money, a
nicer house or car, a better body, or a better job?

Most of us probably have, because we’re human and have access to the internet.

The reality is, for everything in our lives that we feel isn’t good enough, someone else has even less. Just take a look around…you can always find someone else who has less money, no house or car, or a disability.

So do we really wish life was fair?

It’s About Us, Not Them

When we say “life isn’t fair”, what we really mean is “I should have more than I do”.

That type of thinking comes from our own scarcity mindset, and it keeps us from creating the happiness we think we’re missing.

For example:

Thought:
“That’s not fair.”

Feelings We Generate From That Thought:

Anger
Resentment
Self-pity

Actions We Might Take When Feeling Those Feelings:

Indulge in negative emotions
Shut down or withdrawal
Seek more evidence that life isn’t fair

Here’s What We’re Not Doing While Stuck in Those Feelings:

Taking care of ourselves or our mental health
Looking for ways to improve our situation
Appreciating what we do have

The Result:
We’re the ones being unfair to ourselves.

The reason we focus so much attention on someone else’s situation is that taking responsibility for our own circumstances feels so much harder (it actually isn’t), but it’s the work we need to do if we want to be truly happy.

We Create Our Own Happiness

Happiness is within our power to create.

Looking outward isn’t the answer.

What someone else has or doesn’t have is irrelevant to our situation. It’s not their life that’s causing us pain, it’s our thoughts about their life. And thoughts can be changed.

The first step to creating our own happiness is recognizing when we’re in a scarcity mindset.

Most of us have had negative mindsets running on autopilot in our brains for years (yours truly included), but it is possible to change that.

We need to recognize when we’re choosing negative thoughts, and intentionally choose a thought that feels better in our bodies. Instead of the default thought “I don’t have enough”, which feels horrible, try something that feels more neutral such as “This is what I have right now”, “This is just my starting point”.

It’s a matter of re-training our brains. When we find our brain reverting back to the scarcity thoughts, gently re-direct it to the new thoughts we’re trying to cultivate. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Second, get to work. Write a list of what you have in your life that is enough. It could be “I have a job”, “I have a roof over my head”, “I have a body that has accomplished ‘x’”, or “I have family and friends that I love, and who love me”.

Try to come up with at least as many positive aspects of your life as your perceived negative ones.

Third, and most importantly, work on improving your relationship with yourself.

You have enough.

You are enough.

Give yourself credit for everything in your life you’ve accomplished and built so far, no matter how big or small. Look at all you’ve created, what you’ve accomplished, and ways you’ve helped other people.

Your old, negative thoughts have occupied your brain for years if not decades, so be patient, we won’t adopt new thoughts overnight. For the best results, write them in a journal every day to remind yourself of the intentional thoughts you’re choosing to think now.

Using our perception of other people’s lives to beat ourselves up doesn’t serve us. It may feel easier now, but it only holds us down in the long run, and prevents us from creating our own happiness.

Instead of focusing on how unfair the world is to us, we need to focus on how unfair we are to ourselves.

That’s where we need to start.

I love you, and I believe in you.

Discover What’s Possible

We’re Still Looking for That A+

But who’s doing the grading now?

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

When I was a kid I sucked at math.

I mean really sucked. Like, never–made–eye–contact, left–the–class–in–tears, had–to–cheat–my–way–to–a–D–in–geometry kind of sucked.

By the 6th grade, I had convinced myself that I wasn’t smart enough to understand math and I never would be.

Not only had I accepted that as a fact (instead of just a thought), I also made it mean that I wasn’t as smart as everyone else who did understand math, in spite of the consistent A’s I had been getting in English and biology.

Walking into algebra class every day with the belief that I wasn’t as smart as everyone else did not set me up for success. I felt defeated, resentful, and angry, and as a result, I resisted the instruction and blocked myself from even trying to understand it. It was a cycle that I perpetuated throughout high school.

When we were kids we had someone outside of ourselves constantly judging or grading us…teachers, parents, or family figures. I understand their jobs were to teach us, but as kids, it was difficult to separate the grades we were given on paper (or verbally) from our worth as a person. A’s = (We were) Good. B’s = (We were) Okay. C’s = (We were) Average (but more like less-than). D’s = (We were) Bad. F = (We were a) Failure.

It was cut and dry. It said right there on the paper – you were good enough, or you weren’t.

What are you still grading yourself on?

It took me a long time to challenge the belief that I was dumb when it came to math.

Some math makes sense to me now, especially as it applies to things I’m actually interested in. I began to understand basic fractions when I started baking, and I discovered that I was fascinated with physics when I started studying exercise science (Power = Work/Time, Work = Force x Distance).

As kids we were raised believing that the Power of Approval needs to come from outside of ourselves – teachers, parents, and authority figures, because we had no power of our own back then.

But many of us are still living our lives in pursuit of that external A+.

Only now we’re giving the Power of Approval to our bosses, our spouses, and even our own kids.

And that’s because we never learned that we could transition into creating our own approval.

What’s your current “math class”? Where are you giving yourself a ‘D’ or an ‘F’?

Losing weight?

Stopping overdrinking?

Going for that new job?

How does the grade you’re giving yourself make you feel?

Afraid?

Less than?

Defeated?

What actions do you take when you’re feeling that way? Do you avoid? Overeat? Overdrink?

What are the unwanted results of those actions?

If choose to believe that we’re not good enough at something our brains will be happy to produce plenty of evidence that the thought is true. That’s our brain’s job. It’s trying to keep us safe by protecting us from disappointment.

But what if we challenge that negative belief? What if we chose to believe something different, to believe “Maybe this IS possible for me?” What if we just need to figure out another way that makes sense to us?

Maybe if someone had taught me basic math in a cooking class I would have understood it and had the confidence to go on and learn even more. Instead, there was one person teaching it one way and my not understanding it led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough.

You Control the Gradebook Now

It’s time to stop grading yourself on a pass/fail basis, and start grading on a (GENEROUS) curve.

Life is not an exam, it’s a learning experience. There are no fill-in-the-blank, black-and-white answers.

And you’re not doing it wrong.

Get curious. Instead of focusing on what hasn’t worked in the past, ask your brain questions that will move you to future-forward action:

What if you could figure out how to stop overeating, overdrinking, or overconsuming? What way might look right for you?

What thoughts do YOU need to think, and what questions could you ask your brain, that would help you move forward towards that goal, instead of focusing on past evidence of what hasn’t worked?

Take some time, right now, to acknowledge what has worked for you in the past and everywhere you have succeeded. Give yourself ALL the credit for getting where you are and achieving what you have.

All of us have the knowledge and the power to teach ourselves anything we want to now, it’s no longer dependent on anyone outside of us. We control the grade book.

We just need to get curious and start asking good questions: What do I want to do next? What would success at that look like? And what might be the next right step to getting there?

You have everything you need right now. You’re good enough to start, right now. You can – and you will – figure out the rest as you go.

Discover what’s possible.

How to Feel Like You Belong

(Hint: It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you)

Photo by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash

When was the last time you felt accepted, like you truly belonged?

Would you feel comfortable going into a room full of strangers and hanging out by yourself?

I can say I would, but not for the reasons you might think.

It’s definitely not because I thrive in that type of environment (um, HELL no). In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I could do it because I’m a professional at making myself invisible in a crowd. I mean like Houdini-level disappearing.

It’s a trait I learned early, out of necessity.

When I was a teenager my family moved around a lot, I went to 3 different high schools in 4 years. And trust me, if there was one place I definitely didn’t want to stand out as an awkward teenager, it was high school.

Fortunately for me, I’m 4’11 so all I had to do to was keep my head down, hover on the outskirts of large groups, and avoid eye contact. I could go all day without anyone even noticing I was around.

(That sounded a lot less sad when it was just in my head).

Anyway, to say I felt like I didn’t belong would be an understatement. As far as my brain was concerned it was a concrete fact.

Looking back it’s easy to see how my lifelong pattern of not belonging was developed:

I didn’t believe I would be accepted so I acted small and invisible to avoid attention
By avoiding attention (and thereby, connection) I made sure I was by myself all the time
Being by myself all the time guaranteed that I wouldn’t fit in, which proved my belief that I didn’t belong

See what my brain did there?

I used to think hiding and playing small served me. And maybe it did when I was younger, in unfamiliar surroundings with no knowledge of how to protect myself. I wasn’t able to make choices for myself back then so naturally I felt powerless.

And I know my brain was just trying to keep me safe by convincing me to stay hidden.

But now I’m a 55-year-old adult woman, and I am no longer powerless. I get to make decisions about where I live and how I decide to show up. I get to choose what circumstances I put myself into and which ones don’t serve me or my goals.

But changing old patterns and beliefs definitely isn’t easy, they don’t go away just because we grow up.

One of the things we need to learn as adults (and that I continue to work on) is how the feeling of acceptance and belonging doesn’t come from circumstances outside of ourselves.

In the case of me as a teenager, it was my thought “I don’t belong” that lead me to feel like I didn’t belong, which made me act like I didn’t belong, which lead me to “un-belonging myself”, if you follow.

It’s the same for us as adults.

If we show up believing that we don’t belong, that we’re somehow less than the other people around us — at a job, the gym, or a party — then how do we act? And what will be our end result because of those actions?

Our belief in ourselves has to come from ourselves. The call needs to come from inside the house, as they say.

No one can make us feel accepted, or unaccepted, it comes from our beliefs first.

“Our sense of belonging will never be greater than our own self-acceptance”

-Brooke Castillo

We can decide ahead of time to accept ourselves and “belong” ourselves, no matter what happens outside of us.

It takes practice, but I’m willing to do it.

And you can too, I promise.

Discover What’s Possible

P.S.

I hear from a lot of women over 50 who want to make friends but don’t know quite how to get started, so I created a free pdf “3 Simple Ways to Make Friends in Your 50s”. You can grab yours here https://skilled-trader-6387.ck.page/eff75275a1

On a Scale of 1-10, How Would You Rate the Quality of Your Life, Right Now?

How you can improve the quality of your life if you do this one thing – and it won’t cost you a penny.

Photo by Marc Najera on Unsplash

We might be familiar with the term “quality of life” as it relates to someone who may be elderly or ill. I know it came up often when my husband was nearing the end of his battle with MS.

But we sometimes forget that every living person has a quality of life…whether good, bad, so–so, or awesome.

So how would you rate the quality of your life, right now…do you have what you want? Do you want what you have? Are you happy where you are at this stage of your life?

Rate each of the following statements on a scale of 1-10, 10 being best:

You’re happy with the material items you have and you don’t want more (clothes, car, house, electronics)

You’re doing what you want to day–to–day (job, routine)

Overall, you’re happy with where you are in life (physically, financially, living situation)

You’re happy with your relationships (spouse, partner, relatives)

Now total your score…was it a 20, or above? Was it average, or below?

Are you satisfied with your score, or do you think it could be better? Do you WANT it to be better?

Many of us grew up believing, and still believe, that our circumstances create our feelings —if we could just get that job, house, car, or person, then we could finally be happy (advertisers spend billions of dollars every year to keep that belief alive and well).

But what if the opposite were true?

What if we need to be happy first in order to create that desired job, house, car, or relationship?

Here’s an example:

I used to live in a big, bright, 2-bedroom apartment in an expensive, urban neighborhood that I thought I could afford.

It lasted about a year and a half before I had to admit that, mathematically, I actually COULDN’T afford it.

The apartment had a full garage, big, bright windows, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, and an in-apartment washer and dryer (industrial size–be still my heart).

The new apartment I chose had one bedroom, one tiny bathroom, no dishwasher, no in-unit washer and dryer, and on-street parking only. Also, being in the city, had a much higher propensity for crime.

BUT, it was also about $700 cheaper a month.

If I had decided to leave my fancy apartment based on thoughts like “I have to leave”, “This isn’t fair”, “This place shouldn’t cost so much”, or “I shouldn’t have to do this”, I would have felt completely miserable about the circumstance of moving and would probably have resented the move.

But instead, I knew that I didn’t want to continue going deeper into debt for no reason. The extra amenities just weren’t that important to me, and I was tired of the constant stress of having to come up with the rent every month.

Initially, I was drawn to the city because the rents were so much cheaper. But what happened was I fell in love with the charm of the place.

My thoughts about it were: “I’m choosing to do this to save money and stress”, “I live alone so washing dishes by hand won’t bother me”, “the laundry room is only a few steps away from my apartment”, and “parking isn’t a big deal because there are so many awesome places within walking distance”.

I chose to be happy about it first.

Most importantly I believed those thoughts, they all felt true to me so I didn’t have to lie to myself first and then struggle later to make the lies feel true.

The result of liking my situation ahead of time was that I got to actually enjoy my new space, which created the circumstance of me having a more desirable living space by choosing my thoughts about it.

These new thoughts also helped create the circumstance of being able to finally start getting out of debt (I’d trade the in-apartment washer and dryer for that any day, thank you!).

It’s not the circumstances that dictate our feelings, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance.

Based on that equation it’s possible to change the quality of your life without changing anything but your thoughts.

Better yet, you can IMPROVE the quality of our lives, just by improving your thoughts.

The next time you feel angry, sad, or not good enough because of your circumstances, step back and get curious about the thoughts you’re thinking that are causing your feelings.

You don’t have to trick yourself into believing your circumstances are rainbows and daisies, you just have to drop into a thought that feels a little bit better. A thought that gets you to a place where can at least feel more neutral.

And please don’t wait until you’re elderly or – God forbid – have a critical illness to start paying attention to your quality of life.

Start now.

Discover What’s Possible.

Click here if you want to learn more about how to not just improve your life, but live a fuller life than you ever thought possible!

Three Lies My Brain Tells Me Everyday

And How I Manage My Mind Around Them

My alarm goes off at 4:15 a.m.

I look at my phone screen and have to make the dreaded decision – “off”, or “snooze”?

I know what “off” will mean. It will mean falling back asleep and missing my 5 a.m. CrossFit class.

“Snooze” means I can delay that decision for another 10 minutes, but I will ultimately still have to decide.

Meanwhile…outside it’s cold and dark, and I’m inside under my king-sized comforter with my little terrier, Sam, snuggled beside me.

And so the battle begins.

Brain Lie No. 1 – This is Too Hard

Of course I don’t want to get up at 4 a.m. to go to the gym, even though I’m the one that set my alarm and literally labeled it: “Get up and go to the gym”.

My brain tries to convince me:
It’s too cold outside
It would be easier to stay in bed
It would be easier not to put myself through a workout

And I get it (primal) brain, you’re just trying to keep me safe, comfortable, and in the cave.

But I try to give my (prefrontal) brain the chance to rally back:

“That’s true, all of those things would be easier, but would those actions get me the results I want?”

Stronger
Healthier
More fit
Connected to a community of like-minded people

Will “easier” challenge me to move forward towards the goals I’ve set for my life?

(Then I also remember those cute leggings I bought and planned on wearing today – never discount external retail motivation).

I throw back the covers and get moving.

Big Brain Lie No. 2 – This Won’t Work Anyway, Why Bother?

My brain loves to pull this one out of its virtual back pocket anytime I want to do something creative, like write this blog post, create a post on Instagram, or develop my elevator pitch.

And it goes a little something like this:

I’ve tried this before and it didn’t work
No one else cares if I do this or not
No one will like it anyway

All of which adds up to = why bother?

Rally brain: You may be right, it may not work…

But what if it does?
What if my message reaches just one person?
What if my message HELPS just one person?
What if creating this makes me better at creating?

That’s usually enough to get me to pick up a pen and start writing, or pick up my phone and start posting.

Big Brain Lie No. 3 – aka THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL – What if I’m Not Good Enough?

This lie needs no introduction.

In fact, if I were a gambling woman, I would wager (for some reason I hear that in the voice of Captain Jack Sparrow), that half of you reading this right now would also have this as your Biggest Lie of All.

It’s the belief underlying most of my inaction.

This lie usually comes from what we learned to believe about ourselves while we were growing up (which is a whole other blog post in itself, so stay tuned).

But let’s give equal airtime to what could also be true:

How AM I already good enough?
How AM I already capable of doing hard things?
How AM I already capable of evolving into a better version of myself?

You don’t need to make your brain do a complete 180 and go from “I’m not good enough” to “I am good enough”, because it won’t stick if you don’t believe it.

Just pick a 10% better thought:

I have already evolved this far
I have gotten myself through x, y, and z, and I can get myself through this
I know so much more today than I did a year or six months ago

And then ask your brain to find evidence of those truths…did you learn to ride a bike? Drive a car? Start a new job? Raise a child?

I guarantee your brain will find the evidence of the positive if you tell it to.

We all have negative thoughts.

But we don’t have to believe or accept them.

We can ALWAYS choose to rally.

My unhelpful thoughts will always be a part of who I am. And on some days I may not rally. I may decide to sleep in or put off writing that blog post or creating that IG reel. And that’s okay.

But repeating those actions will not get me the results I want for my life.

I want a full life. I want to see what’s possible. I want to see what I am capable of achieving, and who I am capable of becoming.

And I chose to manage my brain in order to get there.

Who’s with me?