Tag Archives: overcominganxiety

Life Isn’t Fair—But You Can Still Create Your Own Happiness

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

If life were truly fair, many of us would be in trouble.

Have you ever secretly envied someone because they have more than you? More money, a
nicer house or car, a better body, or a better job? 

Most of us probably have, because we’re human and have access to the internet.

The reality is, for everything in our lives that we feel isn’t good enough, someone else has even less. Just take a look around…you can always find someone else who has less money, no house or car, or a disability. 

So do we really wish life was fair? 

It’s About Us, Not Them

When we say “life isn’t fair”, what we really mean is “I should have more than I do”.

That type of thinking comes from our own scarcity mindset, and it keeps us from creating the happiness we think we’re missing. 

For example:

Thought:
“That’s not fair.”

Feelings We Generate From That Thought:

  • Anger
  • Resentment
  • Self-pity

Actions We Might Take When Feeling Those Feelings:

  • Indulge in negative emotions
  • Shut down or withdrawal
  • Seek more evidence that life isn’t fair

Here’s What We’re Not Doing While Stuck in Those Feelings:

  • Taking care of ourselves or our mental health
  • Looking for ways to improve our situation
  • Appreciating what we do have

The Result:
We’re the ones being unfair to ourselves.

The reason we focus so much attention on someone else’s situation is that taking responsibility for our own circumstances feels so much harder (it actually isn’t), but it’s the work we need to do if we want to be truly happy.

We Create Our Own Happiness

Happiness is within our power to create. 

Looking outward isn’t the answer. 

What someone else has or doesn’t have is irrelevant to our situation. It’s not their life that’s causing us pain, it’s our thoughts about their life. And thoughts can be changed. 

The first step to creating our own happiness is recognizing when we’re in a scarcity mindset. 

Most of us have had negative mindsets running on autopilot in our brains for years (yours truly included), but it is possible to change that. 

We need to recognize when we’re choosing negative thoughts, and intentionally choose a thought that feels better in our bodies. Instead of the default thought “I don’t have enough”, which feels horrible, try something that feels more neutral such as “This is what I have right now”, “This is just my starting point”. 

It’s a matter of re-training our brains. When we find our brain reverting back to the scarcity thoughts, gently re-direct it to the new thoughts we’re trying to cultivate. It takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Second, get to work. Write a list of what you have in your life that is enough. It could be “I have a job”, “I have a roof over my head”, “I have a body that has accomplished ‘x’”, or “I have family and friends that I love, and who love me”. 

Try to come up with at least as many positive aspects of your life as your perceived negative ones.

Third, and most importantly, work on improving your relationship with yourself.

You have enough.

You are enough.

Give yourself credit for everything in your life you’ve accomplished and built so far, no matter how big or small. Look at all you’ve created, what you’ve accomplished, and ways you’ve helped other people. 

Your old, negative thoughts have occupied your brain for years if not decades, so be patient, we won’t adopt new thoughts overnight. For the best results, write them in a journal every day to remind yourself of the intentional thoughts you’re choosing to think now. 

Using our perception of other people’s lives to beat ourselves up doesn’t serve us. It may feel easier now, but it only holds us down in the long run, and prevents us from creating our own happiness.

Instead of focusing on how unfair the world is to us, we need to focus on how unfair we are to ourselves. 

That’s where we need to start.

I love you, and I believe in you.

Discover What’s Possible

How To Feel Like You Belong – Finding Confidence in Any Situation

Picture by author

It was my first time playing drums in front of other people, and I was terrified. 

I was 46 years old and had been playing for just a few years. Up until then, I had only played alone in my garage. Then one day my brother-in-law challenged me to join a program put on by a local music store. Anyone could sign up for the program, no matter their skill level, and at the end of the program, we would all get to play 5 songs on stage at a local venue. 

I know I wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been presented as a direct challenge.

When the day came for tryouts I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I forced myself to walk into the building from the parking lot, the whole time wishing I could turn around and run back home. I mean, no one would notice if I left? No harm, no foul. But I’d have to admit to my brother-in-law that I chickened out, and that was enough to keep me moving forward.

There were roughly 50 musicians crammed into two rooms…guitarists, bass players, drummers, and singers, all milling about. Most of them were around my age. 

I walked in not knowing anyone and having no idea what to expect.

I expected everyone to stare at me – a 4’11” female, almost 50 years old, carrying a pair of drumsticks in my purse. In my head they were thinking “Who does she think she is?”. “Oh look, she thinks she’s cool, carrying drumsticks in her purse”.  “She probably can’t even play”. 

Of course, I only thought they were thinking that because that’s what I was saying to myself.

When I walked up to the front desk to sign my name on the list my hand shook so badly I couldn’t even read my own signature. 

I looked for somewhere to stand while I waited. I found a spot up against the wall, half hidden behind the door frame. I stood there and quietly surveyed the rest of the room.

At first, I was convinced everyone would stare at me because it was clear to them (and myself) that I did not belong in that room. 

But that wasn’t the case. 

No one noticed me at all. I was invisible. 

I didn’t know if that was better than feeling judged by everyone, or worse?

I stayed in my hiding place while group after group of musicians went up and played their songs. 

And I listened. I listened to the drummers who played before me, silently judging their skills against mine. 

I noticed there was a repeating pattern…a lot of the bands played the same song, and there happened to be an odd–timing in the chorus that (I felt) the other drummers were missing. 

Finally, it was my turn. When I sat down at the drum kit my mouth was as dry as my mom’s pork chops. Of course, the kit was too tall for me because it was meant for an adult-sized person, I practically held my arms over my head to reach the top cymbals, and the snare and toms were set way too high, but I was determined to make it work. 

When we started the song my body took over. When I’m playing my mantra is  “Don’t think, just play”, so I listened closely to the music and let my body react. The part in the chorus that every other drummer missed came up, so I relaxed into it and played the song like I heard it in my head, the way I thought it should be played. 

The whole thing was over in an instant, and I was ecstatic.

I JUST PLAYED THE DRUMS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND I DIDN’T DIE.

When I walked away from the stage my hands were shaking for a totally different reason.

I fucking did it. 

I even heard a guitar player walking in front of me say to his friend “She’s the only one who played it right.”

I was on cloud – not even 9 – more like 150.

I remember getting a couple of fist-bumps on my way out, but I don’t remember speaking to anyone.

After tryouts, we were all placed into different bands, and we only had 4 practices before going on stage in a local venue for a concert. 

On the day of our concert, the room was filled with mostly friends and family, but well over 100 people in attendance.

When it was time for my band to get up on that stage, there was no taking away my joy. I wasn’t scared at all, I was so excited, I just wanted to GO! 

My playing wasn’t perfect, I made a few mistakes during our songs on stage (we all did at some point), but I knew without a doubt that I belonged up there. I enjoyed every second and couldn’t wait to do it again! 

When we finished our set I practically floated off stage. People were whooping and clapping, it was the happiest I’d ever been. I hadn’t even made it back to the green room before 3 guys walked up to me and asked if I would be the drummer for their band.

That was more than 10 years ago I’ve never looked back. Now I’m playing in two local cover bands, one classic rock and one 90’s, grunge rock (my dream!).

I can’t imagine how different my life would be now if I had listened to my fear and never taken that chance. 

Our Feelings Don’t Come From Our Circumstances

A woman recently told me  “…I get to an event and feel completely out of place or get ignored.”

In my case, I sought out being ignored. I was so uncomfortable being in an unfamiliar situation I literally tried making myself invisible. 

The reality is that it isn’t the circumstance that makes us feel awkward, it’s our thoughts about that circumstance that cause our feeling of awkwardness.

I walked into that room afraid everyone would think I didn’t belong because I already believed I didn’t belong, and my brain was looking for evidence that I was right.

When we believe we don’t belong we act self-conscious and nervous. Then, we avoid eye contact and (in my case) try to blend into the wallpaper. 

And when someone does talk to us we’re so self-conscious that we bungle our words (my social life in a nutshell). 

The result we create is WE ARE AWKWARD. We create that reality by believing it first, and then acting accordingly, so our brain can prove that we’re right.

It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way

What if you could decide ahead of time how you want to feel at the event?

Decide you’re going to enjoy yourself because you like the people, or were interested in the event itself. 

Decide to keep your eyes up, say Hi to people, or find something interesting to look at or experience. You could make it your mission to find someone else who looked lonely or awkward and strike up a casual conversation. Or start by complimenting their outfit, or picking out something you both have in common.

And yes, you might bumble the conversation (at first), but everyone has at some point. Just laugh it off but keep going.

Most importantly, don’t make it about YOU. Focus on other people, be curious about what they like, how they think, and who they are. Not everyone has to become your best friend, or you theirs, but everyone has a story and you might meet some really interesting people!

There are no rules, and we don’t have to force ourselves to go out and do all the things. We can enjoy staying home just as much as going out.  

Either option is fine, just make sure it’s intentional. 

Discover What’s Possible